NOT WORRYING ABOUT PEOPLE’S OPINIONS

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If you're somebody who wants to be free from caring what people think. This episode is for you. In today's episode, we're gonna talk about why we worry what other people think, why and how we get so distracted, even though we know that we shouldn't care why. It's part of our human programming, but more importantly, how to get beyond it, how to get past it. The thing I want you to know is you are not alone. You are not the only one who struggles no matter how confident you are. This is going to be a theme that we are going to be continually monitoring in our lives, to not get put into the bondage of worrying about other people's opinions being held back in life seeking approval from anywhere other than within. Yes, we can like the affirmation, the applause, the support of others, but we don't need it, and this episode is going to help you finally be free from the burden of caring too much what people think you're listening to the confidence podcast. Your go to for boldness, motivation and actionable confidence tips. I'm your host. Trish Blackwell, confidence coach, Best Selling Author and founder of the College of confidence. I help go getters like you master self talk, quiet self doubt and step into the life you were created for you're here for more, and today's episode will help you claim it. Let's dive in and let's train those confidence busses. Hey guys, I'm Trish Blackwell, and you're listening to the confidence podcast. This is episode 615 How to Stop worrying about other people's opinions. Reality is that we are wired as humans to want to be connected, and we are wired for community and opinions matter, because when we were not in modern society, you needed to stay in the tribe, and people's opinions of you helped keep you secure and safe. And so it's a natural programming that we don't have to stay in because our social survival mechanisms aren't as absolutely critical as they used to be. They are important, but we have this fear of rejection, this need for belonging. And what I want you to do, and I want to invite you into a conversation today where we can shift our internal self talk, from what do they think to rather, what do I think? Now this goes into learning how to trust yourself in order to be free from overthinking about what someone thinks of you, what they think of your new water bottle or your clothing style or your preferences, is that we have to first acknowledge that we care. It's okay to care what people think. What we want to do is to not attach to what people think. It's when we are over attached to a thought and to an opinion that we then become prisoner to it. In general, we are either always attaching to a thought or we are inquiring about it. What does that mean? Every thought that you think creates an emotion, an emotion then creates action, right? So we teach that in my coaching program, I teach it in the College of confidence, and that's called the T method, T, E, A, our thoughts create our emotions, our emotions create our actions. And when we look at a thought and we either attach to it or we separate from it. That is where the inquiry comes. We have to ask ourselves, does this thought help me? And when we care what someone thinks, we have to ask ourselves, why am I putting so much value in their opinion? And remember, the quality of the questions that you're willing to ask yourself will determine the quality of the life that you have and fulfillment that you feel. And so being curious enough and and not judging yourself in your curiosity, but being curious enough to say, I am concerned about what fill in the blanks say the person's name is thinking and now without judging myself. Because what happens is so many of us stop and we go, I shouldn't judge myself. I shouldn't care. I'm not supposed to worry about this. Instead of that, I want you to release that and say, okay, so I am caring what my neighbor thinks. I'm worried about, what they think about how I behave here, or the car I drive, or the way I parent.

Speaker 1 4:17

What am I making it mean? You see, every time we attach to someone's opinions. We are making it mean something. There's a story that you are telling yourself about what their opinion means or doesn't mean, and that's where you have power. That's where we can lean in. One thing that happened to me recently, as many of you know, I have an adorable puppy, but he's a puppy. He's a nine month old Irish terrier puppy. And if you know anything about dogs, you know that terriers are, I think the kind word is, highly opinionated. They are. They are very, very high energy and stubborn. And I love my dog, his Sherlock is his name, and we have invested in a really great. Trainer in a great support network, and the whole family's all in and then just yesterday, I was taking my dog, taking him to the bus stop to pick up my kids. Now this bus stop has 29 kids who get on the bus. This is like, it's like the corner. Hang out. When I say it's like a bus stop, a school bus stop. Please don't think that we have three neighbors. We have 29 kids that get on this bus stop. Plus, you know, this is elementary school, so 20 parents that are also there, and half of those parents bring a dog and so little Sherlock is doing a good job. He was behaving himself. He was laying in a hold while he waited for the bus. You know, we were really working on his patients and all of his things and good socialization. And then as we're walking back home, my son gets off the bus. We're excited. We start walking back, and Sherlock was doing so good. I was so I was such a proud dog mama. And then Sherlock saw one of the dogs that had been waiting further down the sidewalk, and he lost it in a good way. It was a little puppy. Just wanted to say, can I go be a puppy with you? Like, let's be puppies together. And when he was basically, he just over he was over enthusiastic, and then that was, like, a little aggressive, but there, you know? And honestly, it was nothing, nothing went wrong. But I walked away, and I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed that my dog, quote, unquote misbehaved. I over personalized it. I felt like my neighbors. I started worrying, like, oh, do my neighbors think that this, he's not a great puppy. Do they think we're not doing a good job? And I say this, I wanted to give you such a throwaway example. In fact, an example I just do is with a client, because I want to show you how seemingly innocent these thoughts creep up in our brains, but how dangerous they can be. You see, because I then for the rest of the afternoon, felt a little on edge until I started asking myself questions. There were two neighbors in particular who also had dogs, and I thought they're better than these were the thoughts guys, they're better than me because they're dogs behaving like Okay, so here's where we can get laughable. Sometimes the breakthrough in your own personal development is is to have the willingness to laugh at yourself and your your thoughts. And no, it's not we're judging them, and we're not discounting them as silly, but we go, oh my goodness, like I know not to care what people think. In fact, I literally make a living helping people with formulaic strategy that really works on how to not care what people think, and here I am in a funk, kind of bummed. My day was going great, but now I'm worried that my puppy wasn't perfect, because I cared what people thought. So again, this is why I coach. I coach so transparently. I want you guys to know this work never stops. It does get easier, but the work is worth it, and the breakthrough and the freedom that comes when you don't care what people think is absolutely life giving. But I have been doing this work for 12 years, and I really am free in so many ways from caring what people think. But I want to be really, really direct with you and tell you, you still have to do the work. There's going to be times what your human brain that wants people to like you, that has this attachment to community, it's going to offer you thoughts like, Oh no, they're thinking this about me. That doesn't mean I'm attached to what my neighbors think. It doesn't mean I'm I'm stuck in the prison the way I used to. But I immediately felt my minute had the thought, Oh no. What is Jennifer thinking of me? What is Jill thinking of me. I felt remember our thoughts create our emotions. I felt shame. Then I felt sadness and shame over myself being critical and judgmental of my amazing puppy. Then I beat myself like, do you see how these these thoughts Domino and the dominoes with an emotion that creates a negative emotion, that then creates a negative thought, and before you know it, you're in a spiral and you're in a funk, and nothing has actually gone wrong. This is why it's so critical to work on caring and being curious about when I start worrying about someone else's opinion. What is it that is actually happening? And so here's what I did. I noticed the emotion, I noticed the mood change, and then I said, What? What? What am I going to do about it? And this is where we have power. We get curious. What? First curious question you ask yourself is, what is the story I'm telling myself? What is the story I'm telling myself? The second question we ask is, what do I want to make this mean? And so when I did that for myself in this situation, the story I was telling myself is that my neighbors don't think I'm a good dog owner. And then I was able to look at that and go, that's just not true. I know I'm a great dog owner, or my neighbors don't like my dog I don't think that's true either. And even if it was true, we have to then ask ourselves, even if this is true, does it matter? Is it a problem? Is it a problem? And the answer is no. But then I was able to change the story. And if you haven't yet gotten my narrative intelligence bundle, we it's a bundle that I teach a course that I have. Yeah, you can go check it out at Trish blackwell.com, forward slash n Q. Narrative intelligence, we abbreviate with a word, n q and it is a the narrative intelligence is your ability to tell yourself a different story. Your narrative intelligence is your flexible thinking to reframe and re narrate every scenario and situation in your life, so that you can see that life is not working against you, but it is working for you, that every every opportunity, even the ones where your brain goes a little haywire, or your toddler thoughts kind of come out, that you can then say, It's okay, it's it's okay. And so I was able to to lean into my narrative intelligence and say, Okay, what? What is what am I telling myself, and is this a helpful story to tell? So we want to ask ourselves, What am I making this mean? What is the story I'm telling myself, if that person, if we're going into opinions, if they really think that, what am I making it mean? And is it okay? If, what would happen if they were wrong? In order to be free from people's opinions, you have to acknowledge that it is possible, it is highly probable, that there are people in the world who have made

Speaker 1 11:12

a quick opinion about you, and it's not correct. They might think that you're impatient, that you're standoffish, but you might be the most extroverted, patient, outgoing person. They just saw you in the wrong context. And the same way, if somebody saw me wearing a hat, and they were like, well, that girl only wears hats, and they said, Oh, Trish, I thought you always wore hats. And they said that to me, I would say, No, I don't. And I would never take offense at their opinion or their thought about me, because, remember, an opinion is simply a thought about you. We attach so much emotional weight and judgment to someone's opinion. What do they think of me? Do they think less of me? Anytime you worry about someone thinking less of you, you are giving them more power. Can we just can we neutralize and equalize the field? We are all just humans, and there are people and different opinions are part of the beautiful tapestry of the world, and so it is okay for two opinions to be in conflict. The core here is you have to have enough opinion of yourself in order to counter the opinion that might be different, that somebody might have of you to be unbothered by the opinion that someone has of you that might be wrong. You have to first have a higher opinion of yourself. Now, how do we do this? You do this by getting to know yourself. You do this by understanding who you are. We there's five pillars of confidence that I teach. It's how to it's you have to know who you are. You have to know what you want. You have to know how to think. You have to know that your future is better than your past, and you have to know that you are amazing, that you have to know that you matter, those five pillars, knowing that you matter, knowing who you are, knowing what you want, knowing how to think, knowing that your future is better than your past when you have those five pillars. And these the five pillars I teach in my group coaching program, the College of confidence that will help you lean in in a really powerful way to go, this is who I am, because when you know who you are, it doesn't matter what other people think about you, it doesn't matter if other people are wrong. When you know who you are, you can live with no fear. You can live with nothing to fear and nothing to prove. You get lumped into and wrapped around in people's opinions when we feel like we have something to prove. Can I release you from that today? You have nothing to prove, nothing to prove. With this dog training example, like there's really nothing to prove here. And once I often give myself self validation, once I acknowledge what's happened in my thought and I realize I'm creating my own suffering, remember our thoughts create our emotions. And if you're suffering, you are creating your own suffering from your thoughts. So look into and go. Why am I worried about this person's opinion? And if you're finding yourself wrapped up in people's opinions, whether it's your boss or your neighbors or maybe your friend group, or what people think of you at church, or maybe it's just the passerby, what do they think of me? It's a distracting thought, but it's a normal thought, I want you to first interrupt the thought with a question, why does that person's opinion matter to me? And sometimes it is going to matter. It's because, hey, that person has the authority in my life to give me a promotion. Okay, so let's acknowledge that. But maybe it's because, when you answer that question, you can say, Why does their opinion matter? And the answer might be, it doesn't. You can break through a lot of the burden of caring what people think and over attaching to people's opinions by saying it doesn't another way that we streamline this process of really going above and beyond and freeing yourself from what people think is to know that not only do you like yourself and you know who you are. Right, but then to know that you're good at making decisions. So one of the things I coach a lot of people on is indecision, indecision and overwhelming. Often we stay stuck in it because we're so worried, and again, we don't acknowledge it. This is sort of those like, why am I bothered? Why am I putting so much pressure on myself? Often it's because we're worried. What people are going to think? Are my parents going to be proud of me? Is this going to be the right move, or are there, you know, I was just walking my daughter through this. She's, you know, on trend with the new A Walla water bottle. And, you know, being the entrepreneur mom that I am in I said, Hey, I'll cover this much of it. I need you if you really want this new water bottle, I want you to pay for half of it. And so she had some skin in the game. And because she had skin in the game, she had to then really be sure about what what color she wanted, right? And there's a plethora, like 27 colors to choose from, and she narrowed it down to two, and she went back and forth and went back and forth and went back and forth. And by the way, one of the reasons I'm having her, I have my kids put some skin in the game, and some of the things that they buy, it's because they lose at which stuff. So it's an added boundary for increasing their responsibility and ownership of the things that they have in their life. And I want them to appreciate what they have, and then I wanted them to learn what the value of hard work and money is. And, you know, there's actually, if you go back in the podcast episodes, we have some podcast episodes on money confidence and then teaching your kids how to have confidence with money. But going back to this is, you know, she said, Hey, which color is better? And she went back and forth between these two colors, like a rainforest and then a forest green. And I said, Hey, babe, both are good. You see, when we she when we start worrying about the perfect choice, we lose control, and we start in the same way, when we start worrying about people's opinions, you're giving away your control. And when you give away your control, you're giving away your joy. You're giving away your confidence. You're you're kind of opening the doors to your the your, your house, and saying, come steal from me. Come steal my joy. Come steal my confidence. Come, come steal my peace. And so what we want to do is focus on what we can control. And what we can control is what we tell ourselves in this say, in this scenario, I like both colors. There's no such thing as a wrong choice here. I make. I told her to say to herself, I make good choices. I like this color. Some of it was, hey, do you think my friends are gonna like this color that I picked? And I was able to coach her and say, of course they will, because if you like it, they'll like it. And so in the same way, we have power when we know what we have control over and when we release what we don't have control over, and that's why I want you just be start practicing your self validating voice. The more you practice self validating, which is cheering yourself on. These are your positive reframes. This is the building yourself up, giving yourself some added girls and atta boys along the way. The more you will be able to say, Hey, this is what I like. It's okay that somebody else doesn't, you know I I have worked with a lot of people who are stuck in life because they want everyone in their life to agree with the path that they're taking. And I want to tell you that if you are following that methodology, and you want your everyone's support, first, go back and listen to episode 614 which was last week's episode, what to do when people don't support you or understand you, and how to give yourself support. Fundamentally, I want you to tell yourself, this is my path, and I'm the only one to know the right path.

Speaker 1 18:27

I have what it takes. It's okay if people don't understand my path, as long as I support me, they will come along along the way. But the reality is that so many of us get held back by what people think, particularly people who are close to us, or people who we see in passing, right? Like, why did I care what my neighbors thought? And I had to do some deep digging and reflection and honest openness with myself to go, oh, because I want them to think highly of us. Okay, once I acknowledge that, I was able to release it and go, you know, that's good if they think that of me, but actually, it also doesn't have any importance or bearing on my life if they think I'm a good dog owner or not, because I know I'm a great dog owner, and that's how we start whapping away. What we don't do is we don't shame ourselves and say, I shouldn't care what they think, because then what we're doing is we're doubling down on our negativity and our judgment towards ourself, it doesn't serve you. So let's have compassion. Of Of course I care because I see them all the time. That makes sense. Now, what am I? What am I currently making it mean? And what do I want to make it mean instead? That's where the work gets done. That's where the breakthrough happens. If you don't yet know how to self validate, how to build yourself up, I want to invite you in to my coaching program, the College of confidence. Here's why, because this next month that's coming up, if you're watching or listening live, next month, in the month of September, the entire month of the College of confidence is dedicated to how to stop caring what people think. I am teaching a new approach to it. It's called the formula I am giving. You an absolute formula to freedom. It is step by step, formulaic and easy to implement, and we're starting it. That first workshop launches very soon, and then we have eight workshops about how to stop caring what people think. We're gonna take the concepts I'm coached on here and expand them even more. We're talking massive breakthrough on the horizon for you and I just want to normalize. There's no judgment here, because everyone we are wired to care what people think. What we do is we give ourselves the freedom to not be weighed down, held back, burdened, distracted, judged, criticized, feel shame because of what someone may or may not think. But in order to do that, you've got to be willing to be self reflective. You've got to be willing to be self curious, and then you've got to be willing to cheer yourself on, to self validate. When I took the five minutes, it was yesterday, to analyze, hey, what? Why am I why am I feeling icky? Why am I judging myself over a small interaction? Why am I bothered? Why am I embarrassed when you notice you have a an emotion that is negative, and you know that it was attached to, oh, they might think this about me. Be proud of yourself, not judgmental of yourself. Be proud I was proud of myself for saying, Look at you. Take a minute. Let's figure out what my brain is, what's what's the story my brain is saying, and then how can I tell the story better? And how can I grow from this? And I'll tell you, breakthrough is on the horizon. I want to help you break through more in this area of your life. Come and join me in the College of confidence. It's month to month, cancel at any time, absolutely risk free. In fact, there's a two week, 14 day money back guarantee. If it doesn't absolutely blow and exceed your expectations, just let me know and my team and I will send you your money back. So that is the most affordable life coaching there is on the internet. Come and join us, College of confidence.com, and if you're not ready for that, go grab my narrative intelligence course, I will teach you how to self validate. I will teach you how to change the story so that every part of your day is an opportunity to tell yourself a better story. When we tell ourselves better stories, we walk in confidence, free from judgment. You have nothing to prove. You have nothing to fear, and you're not dependent on what other people think. You'll be able to build a really, really powerful self image and walk with confidence. And before we close out, I want to say thank you so much for listening to this podcast, for being a part of this podcast community. You are giving me the privilege to be a voice of encouragement in your life, and I do not take that lightly. Make sure you come back every Tuesday. Hit that follow button. It's my commitment to provide you very practical, quick tips that you can implement in your life right away. This work that you're doing will pay off the way the your willingness to work on your thoughts will transform the way you think about life, the way you feel in life, and the way you show up in life. And I'm here to cheer you on every step of the way. I want to thank our listeners who take the time to text a friend, who forward the show to a friend who leave a review or who recommend the show. You guys, this is how we go bless and encourage more people. I think what was just key for me in my life as I began this personal development journey was to know that I wasn't alone, that I wasn't the only one struggling with thoughts or scenarios like this and the overwhelm and the stress and so please, by sharing the show with someone that you care about, you're telling them, Hey, I'm with you. You're not alone, you're not your brain's not broken, you're not gonna live in stress the rest of your life. You don't have to keep settling in life. You were made for more. And so thank you also to those of you who write reviews. That is how, honestly, when people are scrolling and deciding, should I try this podcast, it's what makes people say, you know, I'll give it a go. Look at all these reviews. So I want to read a review of the week from clarity waning. They said this. I don't want to miss a word. Five stars. Thank you so much. I'm going to read that, and then we will close out. I've been listening backwards from the newest to the oldest, and that would be my recommendation to a new listener. She says, the podcast, this podcast is life giving. I just finished episode 500 and the what if we'd never met? Question prompted me that it was time to write a review. Trish, if I'd never found your podcast and the College of confidence, I would still be on anxiety meds. I would still wake up every morning in the throes of grief, depression and dread. I am so thankful for the day I found you. You You are a missionary in the truest sense of the word, of you, and you've made a difference in my life. I'm look forward to achieving a BS in accounting next year. At the age of 57 I now run four miles a week, and this is just for me, the sheer sheer joy of being like I I want to pause. I'm not even done reading this review, and I'm so joyful. I'm keeping my eyes and heart open for ways I can lift others up as you have lifted me up. Looking forward to reading your straight, your newest book straight, in your crown soon. Thank you so much for all that you freely give and sister, thank you for writing that review. Thank you for investing in yourself and listening. You could be listening to music, but you. Listening to a podcast like this, can we just acknowledge and be proud of ourselves for that? Because there's so many opportunities that we have to self validate, self encourage and self acknowledge, and that is that you have done the work, and now your domino effect in your life, and you're going to build and lift up others with your joy, with your example, with how you walk in the world and how you're an example of that. It is never too late, and our brains are always in transformation and renewal. We have so much goodness ahead of us. I want you to have confidence and joy about the future to come, and that's why that is one of our pillars of confidence. And again, if you want me to walk you through the five pillars of confidence and to help you level up in your life, the College of confidence is the way to go. So stay tuned. I'll see you guys next week here on the confidence podcast. Thank you for being a listener. Thank you for sharing the show. Thank you for being you in this world. Go, author Jay. Go, be more of who God created you to be. Be you. Be free. Thanks for listening to the confidence podcast and allowing me to be your coach today in your life. If you love the show, please let us know by leaving a review in iTunes. Are you encouraged by what you learned? Share this episode with a friend and let us know that the show is changing your life by saying hi to us on social media and Instagram, Trish_Blackwell or on Facebook. Trish Blackwell coaching. Ready to take what I teach and really take it to the next level? Join us today in the College of confidence. It's our group coaching program that you can join, risk free and cancel anytime. In the COC, you'll scale your confidence, your courage and the changes you make in your life. It's the coaching, support and community you've been looking for. Go to www.collegeofconfidence.com to get started, if you love the podcast, you will love the College of confidence even more and see even more transformation in your life. Come and see you for yourself. I'm cheering you on, friend.

Unknown Speaker 26:56

See you soon. You

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