The base of an eating disorder is grounded in a need for control, so, as someone with a past stained by bulimia, I would be lying to say that I don’t like control. The funny thing about control is that it is an unpredictable entity; it can be both one of the most positive or destructive qualities about someone. Self-control and self-discipline are wonderful tools to personal success and goal achievement. These attributes, taken to the extreme, can also become obsessive and controlling in and of themselves.
I like to define the world around me, and I crave to understand the “why” about everything that happens in life, but really, all I am doing is desperately trying to maintain some semblance of control over circumstances in life that are more often than not out of my control. As a friend pointed out to me last night, we just don’t have to understand everything. Sometimes life can’t be understood, and sometimes, no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves, we will never have control. We must remember that in some aspects of life, not having (or worrying about having) control is the ticket to freedom.
If you want to just live and live without abandon, then stop trying to control everything in your life. For me this means that I must let go of certain past experiences in which my life spiraled downwards due to lack of control — because of those moments, circumstances of abuse that truly were beyond my control, I crave control. There is a balance to control and losing control to gain this balance of freedom is a beautiful gift to yourself. It is the choice that life can just be lived, not explained, and that you can just be you, and not the controlled image of you that you like to present to the world.