Trish Blackwell

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AVOID THIS PHRASE IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY

By TrishBlackwell on September 14, 2018 in Blog

 

I have a secret mom confession. Or maybe it’s the confession of just being a woman, or perhaps a recovering perfectionist, but whatever category this fall into, I think it’s something that I’m not alone in feeling.  I just want to know that I’m doing good enough. Am I right? I mean, theoretically, I know I am good enough. God tells me that I am. Jesus covers my not-enoughness and makes me whole.  

 

Let’s be real though, it’s a lot easier to know something than to really believe it.  I have been coaching people for years on embracing this truth as I myself as learning to do the same, and there’s something beautiful in that sisterhood solidarity when we start telling our truths more and when we spend less time worrying about what other people might think of us and instead use that energy to build those “others” up.  Sometime I think we hold our breath, waiting for happiness, waiting to give ourselves permission to be happy, for that feeling of “enoughness” to feel real.  

 

The real real is that happiness is what everyone wants, but it is something, that, though available to everyone, very few actually get. Billion dollar industries are built on promising us happiness with the next purchase we make, or the next diet we try and we are bombarded with uncountable messages about how to be happier and about what we should and should not be doing to reach this said state of happiness. Why is it then that most people are still chasing what seems unreachable? Why it is that they can’t reach the finish line of happiness?

 

It’s not because happiness is that difficult to experience or feel. Happiness is simple. And it is available. It has no price tag and no prerequisites. It does not see race, color, age, gender, background, bank accounts, job titles or preferences. It just exists. For everyone.But I really believe that there is a phrase that keeps people from it. It is a simple phrase, but noxious…

 

The deadly phrase?

 

“I should ________”.

 

There are a million ways this phrase gets delivered in the minds and through the mouths of people across the world. Here are some:

 

I should be further than where I am. I should be skinnier. I should be happier. I should be more thankful. I should be more disciplined. I should be with him. I should be with her. I should be more successful. I should be the best. I should be in a better car. I should be in a bigger house. I should be more mindful of my sugar. I should exercise more. I should be able to figure this out on my own. I should make more money. I should have that job title. I should get more sleep. I should be taller. I should be more confident. I should be less stressed. I should be better at this than I am. I should be more helpful. I should be more motivated. I should eat gluten-free. I should be vegan. I should be paleo. I should write a book. I should walk more. I should speak up for myself. I should be better in bed. I should get into therapy. I should like being around people more. I should learn to be alone. I should be bigger. I should be smaller. I should be funnier. I should stop talking so much. I should cut back on social media. I should pay attention to my feelings. I should journal. I should floss my teeth. I should stop eating after 8PM. I should be more attractive. I should be a better parent. I should be more patient. I should be more observant. I should have a higher sex drive. I should have a lower sex drive. I should be a better dancer. I should like to workout more. I should like small talk. I should be less awkward. I should be more organized. I should watch less TV. I should read more. I should be like him / her. 

 

Now, any number of these can be valid, and as long as the phrase is said with an authentic desire to take action, execute change or do that thing. More often than not though, they are said in the context of shame. We say these things to ourselves to guilt ourselves into action, but what happens is the opposite. We don’t take action. Instead, we crumble into ourselves, collapsing from the inside out into a lump of resignation that feels a lot like averageness. And happiness feels like a polarized magnet, pushing far, far away from where we sit slumped over with our “not-enoughness.” 

 

The truth is that sometimes we are primed for this not-enoughness. We don’t get the affirmation we crave from someone we love. We get told offhandedly that we aren’t that special. We start believing the lie that marketing companies are feeding us that we would just be happier, prettier, healthier if just …”.

 

Additionally, we are prey to the messages of society that we should be able to be it all and do it all, and well, that’s just exhausting and leaves us mentally depleted and constantly questioning whether or not we deserve to relax or just be present.  I certainly haven’t mastered this conundrum, but admittedly have made some modest progress in this area over a few years of intentionality, and what I have learned is that I don’t have to listen to the suggestions of self-imposed, performance-based perfectionism that my mind seems wired for. I’ve learned that when I feel like I am behind because I “should” be doing something that I need to resist.  

 

Resist. “Should” I really be doing X,Y and Z?  Are X, Y and Z really increasing my happiness, my value, or my ability to be present and grateful for the moment I have today? Oh, and before you think I’m on a soapbox, you need to know that every time, every single time, that I put my foot down in this way, I feel silly, and like an imposter, and unsure of whether or not it will shake the mental cloudiness and pressure I feel.  And, likewise, every time I mentally resist in this way, I feel better. I feel empowered, grounded, confident, free, present … alive.  

 

You might be wondering what a real-life example of this looks like, well, don’t you worry, these happen all.the.time for me, so here is the most recent occurrence; I hope it resonates for you and encourages you…

 

The other day I walked away from the gym feeling guilty. I had intended to lift, but I ran out of time and, to be honest, I didn’t want to lift, I wanted to run, and I honored that intention. I felt unsettled though, like I was out of my own body, and like my body wasn’t good enough because I didn’t do what I was “supposed” to do.  Then I realized what was happening. I was playing the “should” game and it was shaming me into insecurity. I had to break it down and keep it simple in my brain to shake the “shoulds” away. I asked myself “do you feel good?”  Then, “did you sweat and honor your body through movement?” And then, “would doing a lift today really have made you happier, healthier and to have more days to your life, or was doing what you enjoyed more life-giving and self-honoring?”

 

For me, the obvious resolution was: “okay, I’m okay.”

 

The secret to having the healthiest body possible isn’t based in how many times you lift, or run, or cross-train per week, it isn’t found in your macronutrients or whether you eat gluten or not.  It’s more simple, more accessible.  It’s about our stress levels, and about how we want to think about the life – the day-to-day lives – we live. It is about being body autonomous; about listening to what messages your body is communicating to you and then honoring those with kindness and action.

 

So, the next time you start “should-ing” all over yourself, slow down and choose the path of less stress and more happiness. And if I peptalk about “not shoulding” yourself doesn’t do the trick, affirm to yourself that you are doing better than you think you are, and if that’s not enough, tell yourself that Trish is proud of you and is virtually cheering you on.

 

Free yourself from your “shoulds’ and from what others “may or may not think about you” and use your energy for something you want, for something that improves the world and your experience in it.  (And if you haven’t yet listened to my podcast episode on how to stop caring about what people think of you, you’ll want to check this out: www.trishblackwell.com/283). Worrying about what people think of you is like trying to catch the ocean with your hands – it’s futile and just a plain ridiculous waste of attention and effort.

 

You are enough. I may not know your circumstances, but I do know that you are where you are supposed to be right now. I pray that your heart will overflow with kindness and gratitude to remember that life is not about what happens to us, but rather about what we experience and how we react to what we receive.  It’s time to hang up the quest for perfection and to stop shaming ourselves into a corner of smallness.I love that I am not where I want to be, because I am not where I was yesterday and I still have something to lean into and look forward to as I grow into tomorrow. Growth is exciting, and it’s pressure-free, because all I need to do is use my energy to show up as my best self that day, and that will be enough. God will take my enough and make it more than enough, and that is enough for me.
 

Confidently yours,
Trish

 

PPS:Need a pep talk today?(Don’t we all?!) Pop your earphones in and listen to this week’s #TheConfidencePodcast,which is hot-off-the-presses and FREE, anywhere you listen to podcasts! You can also listen directly at www.trishblackwell.com/283.

 

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