Podcast #722

HOW TO BE OKAY WITH SOMEONE BEING DISAPPOINTED IN YOU (AND  HOW TO STOP FEELING DISAPPOINTED IN YOURSELF)

Apple Podcasts Episode Description

What if someone being disappointed in you… isn’t actually a problem?

If you’re a people-pleaser, high achiever, perfectionist, or someone who prides yourself on being dependable, disappointment can feel unbearable. So you over-explain. You say yes when you mean no. You lower your standards. You change your plans. You manage everyone else’s emotions.

In this episode of The Confidence Podcast, you’ll learn how to stop confusing someone else’s disappointment with your wrongdoing, how to tolerate the discomfort of letting people down, and how to choose self-respect without becoming selfish or uncaring.

You’ll learn:

• Why disappointment feels so threatening
• The difference between disappointing someone and hurting someone
• How people-pleasing quietly erodes self-trust
• What to say when someone doesn’t like your decision
• How to stop over-explaining your boundaries
• Why disappointing others may be necessary to stop disappointing yourself

You are allowed to be kind without making everyone happy.

WHY DISAPPOINTMENT FEELS SO DANGEROUS

Start with the deeper problem:

We don’t actually fear their disappointment. We fear what we think their disappointment means.

Someone is disappointed → your brain translates it:
“They’re mad at me.”
“They don’t like me.”
“They think I’m selfish.”
“I’ve damaged the relationship.”
“I might lose them.”
“I am a bad person.”

For high achievers especially, being “good” often became part of our identity.
Reliable. Helpful. Easy. Impressive. Low maintenance. The one who gets it done.

Teaching point: Approval became evidence of safety.
So when somebody withdraws approval, your nervous system interprets it as danger.

POWER PHRASE:
Disappointment is uncomfortable. It is not dangerous.
You don’t have to eliminate the feeling.
You have to increase your capacity to experience it.

“You cannot live a life that is true to you and never disappoint anyone.”
“Someone being disappointed in your decision does not mean you made the wrong decision.”
“Stop disappointing yourself just to keep other people from being disappointed in you.”
“Their disappointment is a feeling they’re allowed to have—not an instruction you’re required to follow.”
“Sometimes the price of self-respect is letting someone else be unhappy with your choice.”

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” — Paulo Coelho
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” — Lao Tzu (commonly attributed; attribution is disputed)
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” — Brené Brown
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” — Carl Jung (commonly attributed)

DISAPPOINTING SOMEONE ≠ HURTING SOMEONE

This distinction is huge.
If I lie to you, betray you, intentionally embarrass you, or violate an agreement we’ve made, I may owe you accountability.
But:
You wanted me to come and I said no.
You wanted me to agree and I disagreed.
You expected access to my time and I created a boundary.
You wanted me to stay the same and I changed.
You wanted me to prioritize your preference and I chose mine.

Those things may disappoint you without me having wronged you.

Ask yourself:
“Did I violate my values, or did I violate their expectations?”
Those are VERY different things.

THE QUESTION THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING

Instead of asking:
“Will they be disappointed in me?”

Ask:
“Will I be disappointed in myself if I keep doing this?”

Because there are two possible disappointments.
Their disappointment.
Or yours.

And for years, many people choose to disappoint themselves because it feels easier.
That’s the pattern we’re breaking.
You are allowed to become someone you don’t have to keep apologizing to yourself for abandoning.

And if this episode hit something deep for you, this is exactly what we’re working on inside the College of Confidence.

Podcast listeners can join me for their first 30 days for just $27.
You’ll get access to our coaching, workshops, course library, community — and I’m giving you the next step from today’s episode:

Permission to Disappoint: Stop Lowering Your Standards to Keep the Peace.
It’s the COC workbook extension for this episode, and we’re going to help you identify exactly where you’re still trading self-respect for approval and give you practical exercises to change it.

Come join us.
I’ll see you inside the College of Confidence.
www.trishblackwell.com/listener