Podcast #721

STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS PEOPLE YOU DON’T LIKE

What if the person you’re trying hardest to impress isn’t even someone whose opinion should be running your life?

In this episode of The Confidence Podcast, we’re talking about the exhausting pressure to look successful, capable, attractive, accomplished, interesting — and like you have it all together.

You’ll learn how to stop outsourcing your self-respect to other people’s reactions, why compliments can accidentally create pressure, what intimidation is really telling you, and how to know whether you’re pursuing something because you genuinely want it or because you want to be impressive.

The question we’re coming back to is simple:

Would I still want this if nobody was impressed by it?

It’s time to stop building a life that looks impressive and start becoming someone YOU respect.

1. THE IMPRESSIVE LIFE VS. THE RESPECTABLE LIFE

Start with:

Would you still want this if nobody was impressed by it?

This doesn’t mean ambition is bad.

You can want to:

• make a lot of money
• have an amazing body
• build an incredible career
• dress beautifully
• accomplish hard things
• raise incredible kids
• travel
• win
• be excellent

The question isn’t whether you should want impressive things.

The question is:

Who’s the audience?

There’s a massive difference between:

“I want to do this because I respect what it requires of me.”

and

“I want to do this because I want people to respect me for doing it.”

You can have an impressive life and still not respect yourself.

Because self-respect doesn’t come from the résumé.

It comes from the relationship you have with yourself while you’re building it.

2. WHY WE WANT TO IMPRESS PEOPLE

Don’t shame this impulse.

Humans naturally want belonging, approval and recognition.

And for many high achievers, approval became connected to achievement very early:

Do well → get praised → feel valuable.

So your brain learns:

If I can be impressive enough, I’ll feel secure enough.

But there’s a problem:

The finish line keeps moving.

You lose five pounds → now you need ten.

You make six figures → now someone makes seven.

You run the marathon → someone qualifies for Boston.

You build the business → someone has a bigger business.

You become a great mom → now you need your kids to perform well so other people know you’re a great mom.

Great distinction:

Achievement isn’t the problem. Using achievement to regulate your worth is.

3. THE PRESSURE OF COMPLIMENTS

Sometimes compliments don’t just feel good.

They become assignments.

Someone says:

“You’re always so disciplined.”

Now you think:

I can’t be undisciplined.

“You’re such an amazing mom.”

Now:

My kids can’t struggle.

“You’re so confident.”

Now:

I can’t feel insecure.

“You’re such an athlete.”

Now:

I can’t be slow.

“You have so much energy.”

Now:

I can’t be tired.

“You’re so successful.”

Now:

I can’t let anyone see me struggling.

The double standard:

We give everyone else permission to be multidimensional.

But once people admire something about us, we think we have to perform that identity perfectly.

A compliment is an observation, not a contract.

You don’t owe anyone the permanent performance of the version of you they admired.

4. WHEN ADMIRATION BECOMES INTIMIDATION

Bring in your note about being intimidated by people.

Mention #720 

Who makes you shrink a little?

Who makes you:

• rehearse what you’re going to say?
• overexplain?
• name-drop?
• mention accomplishments?
• try to sound smarter?
• become unusually agreeable?
• compare your body?
• question your success?
• suddenly feel behind?

Intimidation often reveals where you’ve created a hierarchy.

You decided:

They’re up there. I’m down here.

And once you put someone on a pedestal, you start auditioning.

The moment I decide I need to impress you, I’ve accidentally decided you’re qualified to determine my value.

That’s why intimidation and impressing are connected.

Reframe

Instead of:

“How do I get them to respect me?”

Ask:

“How do I want to show up in this room so that I respect myself when I leave?”

That is a HUGE shift.

5. THE QUESTIONS THAT EXPOSE PERFORMING

rapid-fire audit.

Ask yourself:

Would I still want this if nobody knew I had it?

Would I still do this if I couldn’t post about it?

Would I still choose this if nobody complimented me?

Am I trying to experience this — or be seen experiencing this?

Am I trying to become better — or look better?

Do I actually admire the person whose approval I’m trying to earn?

And:

What would I stop doing if I weren’t trying to impress anybody?

That’s a powerful journal prompt.

6. BECOME SOMEONE YOU RESPECT

Now pivot away from what we’re stopping.

Because the goal isn’t:

Stop caring what everyone thinks.

It’s:

Start caring more about what YOU think.

Self-respect is built privately.

It’s:

• doing what you said you’d do
• telling the truth
• leaving what you know isn’t right for you
• apologizing when you’re wrong
• keeping promises to yourself
• resting without needing to justify it
• doing hard things without needing applause
• having boundaries people don’t understand
• being a beginner
• saying no
• changing your mind
• maintaining your standards when nobody is watching

Impressive is public. Self-respect is private.

The person I most want to impress is the version of me who goes to bed tonight.

7. INTRODUCE THE SELF-TRUST STANDARD

Define it:

THE SELF-TRUST STANDARD

I behave in ways that make it easier for me to believe myself.

If I say I’m going to do something, I take that seriously.

If I repeatedly break commitments to myself, I don’t shame myself.

I either:

keep the promise — or make a better promise.

Because self-trust isn’t built by making huge declarations.

It’s built through evidence.

Three standards:

1. I don’t casually break promises to myself.

2. I don’t require other people’s approval to validate my decisions.

3. I choose what makes me respect myself over what makes me look impressive.

8. THE SELF-RESPECT DECISION FILTER

Give them something immediately actionable.

When making a decision this week, ask:

The Three Questions

Do I actually want this?

Would I still want it if nobody were impressed?

Which choice will make me respect myself more?

Not:

Which one makes me look successful?

Not:

Which one will people understand?

Not:

Which one gets me praised?

Which choice strengthens my relationship with myself?

COC Invitation:

And if this conversation is hitting you, I want you to go deeper with me on it.

Because becoming someone you respect isn’t just a mindset shift. It’s a standard you practice.

Inside the College of Confidence, we’re working on exactly this.

We’ve been talking about NOTHING TO PROVE. We’re raising our standards. We’re building self-respect. We’re learning how to stop living according to what gets approval and start living according to what creates self-trust.

And I especially want you to get your hands on our Raise Your Standards workshop, because it will help you identify what you’re currently tolerating that is keeping you stuck.

Podcast listeners can come spend 30 days with me inside the College of Confidence for just $27.

That’s less than a dollar a day.

Come to the workshops. Listen to the private podcast. Get the workbooks. Use the entire course library. And actually practice this stuff with us instead of just thinking about it.

Go to trishblackwell.com/listener.

Thirty days. Twenty-seven dollars.

Come become someone YOU respect.