REDEFINING FAILURE

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[00:00:00] Let's talk about failure because most of us were taught to fear it or make it mean something that it doesn't, and we feel ashamed by it. We dismiss it, we get discouraged. We start playing small and drifting rather than doing big things in our life. Somewhere along the way, failure became evidence that something was wrong with us instead of evidence that we were willing to try.

And that belief is expensive because it costs people confidence. It costs momentum. It costs you breakthrough experience and the life of your dreams. It, it keeps people that who are incredibly capable playing small. And today I wanna redefine failure with you, not to make it better, not to tell you you're not gonna experience it, but to make it more accurate.

Because when you understand what failure actually means, you stop making it personal and you start building real confidence. Hey guys, I'm Trish Blackwell. [00:01:00] Welcome to the Confidence Podcast. You are listening to episode 689. We're talking today about. Defining failure. This is a conversation that I wish I had had when I was an adolescent and a young athlete.

And now even in my, in, in my twenties and thirties, I was still a lesson that I was learning to reinterpret because I was so defeated, so discouraged, so dismayed by past quote, unquote failures that I felt sidelined. I felt like there was something wrong with me, and it turns out there wasn't anything wrong with me.

There was something wrong with my definition. For failure. So in today's episode, we're gonna be talking about how to redefine it so you actually believe it. Why failure is not the opposite of success, but actually a essential stepping stone and part of success and how willingness matters more than outcome.

More than that, I want you to stay proud of yourself for stepping in and showing up. Uh, before we get any further into today's [00:02:00] episode, it's critical that I let you know this is. Be my friend month in the College of Confidence. We haven't done this in years. I don't know if I'm gonna do it again, so if you're listening live, you can come and join me for an entire month, 30 days free in the College of Confidence.

It's that simple. No strings attached. Stay as long as you like. Uh, after 30 days, you become a member. If you don't wanna become a member, you just cancel before your day 30, and you're not gonna be charged a penny. You're going to get access. Get all the information@trishblackwell.com slash friend. This ends February 10th, so if you wanna do it, come in, hop in now.

You get full access to absolutely everything. Let's get to the coaching. If you fail. I think the first thing to start is we have to start saying to ourselves, congratulations, you failed. Good. Most people don't even try. I recently posted something on my Instagram, which if you're not following me on Insta, it's Trish Blackwell.[00:03:00]

And there on that, it's, it's, I, I posted, um, a reel that talks about take the risk. If it goes well, great. You're winning. If it doesn't go well, great. You got wisdom. You're either winning or getting wisdom no matter what you're, you're, you're, you are winning. And the problem is that we define failure incorrectly.

Henry Ford said failure is simply the opportunity to begin again this time more intelligently. Albert Hubbard said there's no failure except in no longer trying. Winston Churchill so famously said that success is stumbling from one failure to from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. Uh, mistakes are proof that you are trying.

Zig Ziglar said that failure is a detour, not a dead end hummus. Edison said, I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. Failure isn't the opposite. [00:04:00] Opposite of success. It's part of success is what Arianna Huffington said, you guys, we've been taught the wrong thing about failure. The truth is, we weren't taught anything.

We just experienced it, felt shame, felt discouragement, and didn't know how to process it. I just posted a YouTube video this week on this. If you're not hanging with me on YouTube, it's Trish Blackwell over there. But I talked about the difference in that video of people who do and, and achieve, and people who drift, who want, but don't achieve.

And the main thing is, is what we do with failure when things don't go our way. Now, failure can be anything from a disappointment, um, an outcome that didn't work, weight loss that didn't, that, that, that the scale that hasn't moved, a business that isn't succeeding a, a pitch that went wrong. A, a, an ad campaign that didn't profit, wasn't profitable.

Whatever it is, we have to, this is what distinguishes those who win versus those who suffer and struggle and give up is your willingness to look at failure as something good, and how do we get something good from it? We have to [00:05:00] extract data. We have to say, how is this for me? How does this not define me?

Rather than be, but rather give me. As Henry Ford said, the opportunity to begin again this time more intelligently, and we do that with what we call the three questions. If you're in my coaching group or if you've listened to the podcast a lot, you already know these three questions, but I will sing these from the top of the mountain.

These are such deep, reflective questions that will I, whenever I ask myself these, it emotionally regulates me and they're simple. What did I do well? What could I have done better? What will I do different next time? If you approach something that doesn't go wrong, right, according to how you want it to be, and you go, cool.

Opportunity for me to ask the three questions. Hey, what went well? What didn't go well? What needs to be different? It's that simple. You will always get data. You will extract growth, you will get wisdom, you will get what you need to [00:06:00] know. Whereas what we were taught before was we thought, um, failure was a character flaw.

Instead, I need you to know it's a normal part of growth. It is actually the critical. Element to the level of success that you want. As long as you're willing to feel your feelings and and fail, you can achieve anything. Most of us are too afraid of feeling discouraged, feeling disappointed, feeling embarrassed, feeling vulnerable, and we're afraid to fail 'cause we don't know how to feel.

So we just go, uh, you know, I don't really want that goal. It's fine. You've gotta be willing to feel and know that you can process your feelings. We teach this in the COC, so if you want help with that, I got you. That emotions will pass and that you can always grow from them. And then if you're willing to fail and you look at failure as good and we can extract wisdom from it, then you are literally always winning.

So how does failure bad? And if the goal is experience. You'll always be winning. We have to stop making the goal, the [00:07:00] outcome. Now I'm driven by outcome goals for sure, but fundamentally, when you're showing up every day, you go, I want you to ask yourself, how will I define if today is a success? I define the day as a success.

If I showed up, if I lived loud, if lived, lived well, loved, well, and learned well, did I learn something? Have I grown? Did I love my people? Was I challenged and did I show up? I don't wanna send, in the days of my life, I, I don't wanna drift. I wanna show up. And as long as I'm showing up and I'm open to the lessons versus protective and like protecting my ego about them, then I'm winning.

And so, failure, we, I used to feel like it would meant that I wasn't enough when I, I had so much shame when I, I didn't achieve a goal, but, uh. And, and, and it performance reviews, grades. We have this comparison culture that has trained us to equate results with worth. And so when we feel like we failed our, our [00:08:00] self-worth takes a nosedive.

And that's why most people avoid starting businesses, raising their hand. Trying something new. Really committing all into a goal and saying no matter, and believing in a goal and, and being seen before they feel ready. Most people don't feel often because they don't try often 'cause they're more afraid of failure.

I want you to be more afraid of not having a life fully lived, of not maximizing your potential than you are afraid of failing. We, we, and we don't try because we're so focused on protecting our ego, and that's why we have to redefine failure. That's why our current definition is keeping us stuck. And the reason failure feels so personal is because we attach it to our identity.

We attach it to our worth. There's this, this silent inner dialogue that says, what if I'm not cut out for this? What if I can't improve? What if people think I I, if, what will they think if I mess this up? And the brain starts treating risk, uh, social risk, like physical danger. And then [00:09:00] you start tracking in your, your reticular activating system, which is what you, if you focus on something, you see more of it.

You start looking for all the other times you've been criticized, felt embarrassed, felt rejected, and then you go, something's wrong with me. And I just want you to know if failure isn't painful, because the outcome. Failure. It's painful because of the story we tell ourselves afterwards, and I wanna offer to you today that changing the story is where your power is changing.

The story is, I'm so proud that I showed up and now I know I can get better. You've gotta talk back to that. What if I can't? What if I can't improve? Literally, anybody that works at something will get better. You will improve. You've gotta talk back to the self-doubt that you can't. If you don't know how to talk about self-doubt, I've got a course Self-Doubt detox.

It's linked in the show notes, so that would be a great place to start if that's where you're stuck. But what failure is and what it isn't, failure is feedback. Failure is participation. It's proof of participation in life. It's not [00:10:00] disqualification. Failure is not proof that you lack ability, proof that you weren't smart enough.

It's not evidence that you shouldn't try again. It's not a signal to quit. The number of people that I have sat down. Now, this will get me on my soapbox. I sit down and they go, well, I tried that. It didn't work. I'm like, you tried it once, tried a hundred times and tell me it doesn't work. Thomas Edison it like 10,000 times.

We would not have a light bulb if he had been. I tried 10,000 times. 10,000 fails. So to get the one that worked, are you willing to keep showing up with unwavering enthusiasm? Because you know, the people that succeed, they are not different than you. They are not more special. They are not smarter or more talented, more connected.

They just didn't give up. They just had grit, and that grit is available to you too because it's a choice. Failure is proof that you are willing. Failure is proof that you have information now that you didn't have before. As long as you're [00:11:00] willing to ask those three questions, you're willing to look and go, what can I extrapolate from this?

What can I extract and use for wisdom to make myself better versus personalize it and feel dejected by it? Honestly, failure is a normal step in skill building. Uh, uh, the so many of you know I'm obsessed with snowboarding, so in my free time, it's kind of what we do all the time. And if you like snow, here's a little plug.

If you like snowboarding, if you like skiing, if you like people who like. The cold weather. I have a new Instagram. It's called signin snowboarding. My married name is Cyan. S-Y-N-A-N, signin, snowboarding, it's snowboarding, memes, all the things. So go over there, hang out with me over there if you love snow sports.

But if I'm thinking about snowboarding, like I, it's so funny, uh, new and intermediate snowboarders go, I didn't fold today. I'm like, then you're not drying. Like when you start snowboarding, the curve, the learning curve is really hard. You fall a lot, you get bruised a [00:12:00] lot. The first week is really hard, and then, then you don't as much once you stop and you can link your turns and, but the truth is, I fall all the time and I'm 13 years into snowboarding.

I'm hitting jumps. I'm working on my, my, my park. I'm, I'm trying to keep up with my kids who jump off of rocks and do crazy baker to learn a tame dog, which is a front flip. He's eight. My point is when he, he's learning his friend flip and he is learning this on the snow. He's gonna fall. He fell a lot. He failed a lot.

You have to fail. In order to succeed. You need to fall down in order to learn how not to fall down. Failure is proof that you're trying, you're stretching yourself, you're stretching your comfort zone. I'm working on this backside 180 right now, and it's just an opposite. Uh, rotation that I'm used to, and it's hard and I'm having to think about my sight line and where I'm going and I'm like, uh, I'm 42.

What am I doing? You look like an idiot. You're falling in these weird places. I'm like, I don't, I don't care. I will [00:13:00] be forever committed to being a person who says. I'm going to fail. I'm chasing failure. I'm collecting little failures as trophies. 'cause if I do it enough and I fail enough, it's gonna click, it's gonna come in and it's going to be what I am able, it's gonna accelerate and level up everything I'm able to do.

You cannot build confidence without first being willing to fail. Let's sidebar the, the definition of of of, of how you wanna relate with failure for a minute. And I just wanna really emphasize that willingness matters more than outcomes. I want you to to to know that willingness. The desire to make effort, the willingness to try is one of the rarest and most valuable traits in the world because talent without willingness means nothing.

Willingness creates momentum. Self-trust, resilience, the, the, the. I will win no matter what. If I try and I win, it's a [00:14:00] win. If I try and I fail, it's still a win because I'm growing. There's feedback and, and willingness is the difference between people who wait to feel confident and, and, and want all the things to be perfect before they go in.

They wanna be completely ready and the people who are willing to act before they feel ready, who are willing to take a risk, and honestly, the people that you admire the most in history. Didn't avoid failure. They normalized it. And if you're willing to try. You've already won something. Regardless of the result.

Make experience the goal. Make willingness to try the goal and it takes, what's so beautiful about this is takes all the pressure off and listen, if you are new to the show, you might not know this, but just a few episodes ago, um, we actually did a whole. Um, a whole episode on willingness and it's episode.

So I want you to scroll back. It's episode 687 and it's called Believe It Matters. Why, um, how to [00:15:00] Stop Believing That Your Small Efforts Don't Count. How to really believe that Little by little big things get done, because if you can believe that little by little big things get done, you will always be willing to go and say, I, I don't have to worry about what if I don't have what it takes.

I know already I have what it takes. Now, it might take me longer to show myself that I have what it takes, but I have. What it takes. It's critical that you keep reminding yourself you have what it takes to do anything. Breathe that in. Let that settle in because failure, if I were to give you a new definition, it is evidence of willingness.

Not of inadequacy. Failure means you were in the arena, not on the sidelines. If you failed, you participated. If you participated, you practiced courage. And if you practiced courage, your confidence is forming and growing. And so when you, uh, when you experience a setback, a disappointment, a failure, an outcome, a, a plateau, [00:16:00] a a, honestly, just that, ugh, bummer.

I wish it was different. You go to the three questions. What did I do well? What could I do better? What could I have done better? And what will I do different? Did well, could have done better, do different. You can also ask yourself, what did I learn here? What I learned, maybe I learned that I need to look at the data better.

Maybe I learned I need, you know, uh, a hundred hours more of practice on, on this. Maybe I learned that I was too in my head and I, I overthought and I showed up Awkward. Maybe I learned that I need a little bit more conditioning at this pace to hit that marathon goal. The next thing you need to ask yourself is, what does this say about my willingness?

We have to pause and give ourselves a, a, a, a proud of. I talk about this, this one of my mind games I play with myself and I play with my kids, is we call it the pods proud ofs of the day. What, what am I proud of? And I'm proud of my willingness. I want you to slow down and say, I'm proud of my willing. And then how do I wanna show up [00:17:00] next?

Fundamentally, your confidence grows when your pride becomes internal, not conditional, not contingent on how the outcome was. This is how you separate yourself from being happy with the result. Because you won versus, Hey, I put it all out there. I did my best. I put it all out there. Um, and if you want more games, like the pods one I mentioned, I actually have 27 more than 27.

And, um, they're all bundled up for you. They're a dollar per game to really, and they're, they're less than 20 seconds, 30 seconds to play. But they, you could integrate them throughout the day. Go to trish blackwell.com/mind games to learn more about them. But, uh, what were, were people. Making a mistake with their relationship with failure is they often only validate themselves after success after it goes well, when the scale moves, when they get the trophy, when you hit the marathon pace, when you get the sale.

And that, what that does is it's training you to have outcome based [00:18:00] pride. And the outcome based pride will keep your confidence fragile. It's, there's this emotional cost to, I'll be proud when. And you keep having conditional confidence, you're gonna set yourself up to be on shaky ground. And it be feels more safe to avoid taking risks, to avoid showing up.

And that's why we want to focus on going, I'm, I'm gonna focus instead on celebrating, showing up, celebrating, taking the risk, celebrating. Did I show up, asking myself, did I show up? Did I stretch myself? And did I act in alignment with who I want to be? This is the question I want you to ask yourself. Did I act in alignment with who I want to be?

That way, if you can say, I acted in alignment with who I wanted to be, who I wanna become, who I know is within me, what I know is possible for me, then I can feel successful, even if. The [00:19:00] success that I wanted looks different than the outcome is my validation can come even with failure. I can validate and be proud of myself in the process, not just after the finish line.

And so I, I hope that this, that you can say to yourself today, if I failed. Well done. Me. Look at me. Look at me. Show up. I want that to be your internal self-talk. Look at me, show up. Congratulations. Because if you fell failed, you tried, and most people never do. I want you to be willing and brave enough to do what stretches you, to stretch your comfort zone to say, I'm going to give it a go.

I. I made a decision that I, in life, I wanna be a try hard. I wanna be somebody that people look at and go, man, Trish, listen, that girl is always doing something new. She tries. She is trying to squeeze the juice outta life and out of her potential. Like I'm a [00:20:00] maximizer. I am, but I also have a perfectionistic brain, so I have to overcome past definitions of failure to remind myself, no, no.

I value being a person who's willing to show up, who's willing to live life, and roll with the waves, the ebbs and the flow of that, come with it and know that it's not always gonna look perfect. I'm not always gonna look like I know what I'm doing. But I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna live life to the fullest.

I'm going all out, and as a result, I will experience a lot more success than the version of me that always wanted to look a certain way, look like she knew what she was doing. Always looked the best. Always achieved the most, but it was doing it because I wanted the validation after I got the finish line, after I got the trophy, after I got the win, and when I changed what I was celebrating.

Everything changed. I gotta tell you, my potential is so much greater than I ever thought. Once I've released the need to do it right, and I instead decided I'm just gonna do it, how about I celebrate [00:21:00] showing up? I celebrate willingness. I celebrate effort. And I stop worrying about what people think. I wanna invite you into that as well.

So hopefully you'll see some of you guys in the College of Confidence. We can go deeper on this and how to give internal validation. We're doing that the entire month. I'm teaching my students the internal validation blueprint and there's three pillars that we go in depth on and I wanna make sure you get them again.

You can join us free for the entire month for 30 days. Go to trish blackwell.com. Slash friend guys, I'll see you next week on our next episode. So privileged to be a voice of encouragement in your life. If this show resonated, please hit, um, follow it, write a review. Um, if you haven't yet, share with a friend, say hi to me on YouTube or Spotify.

I love your comments. I love being part of your, your life every Tuesday, and I'll see you guys very soon.