GUILT AND BEING TOO HARD ON YOURSELF

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Do you feel the pressure of too many expectations and too much to do? There's a tug of war feeling like you're never doing enough in any particular role, and there's conflict and demand for your attention. You feel guilty all the time. It's mom guilt. It's not doing enough guilt. It's feeling inconsistent guilt, or maybe it's guilt about that cookie that you ate that wasn't on your planned meal plan, or your planned eating for the day. Listen, I don't know what the guilt is for you, but the guilt is real, and you're not alone. Look, you're balancing work, family, personal passions, and on top of that, a lot of societal expectations, and that's a lot. This episode will help air out some of that, like, gosh, it's like a dirt cloud of guilt that feels like it's following you around. So I'm gonna share exactly how to stop being so hard on yourself so you can start feeling better, lighter, more joyful and more present today. Buckle up. This is going to be an episode I think you're going to want to re listen to just a few times you're listening to the confidence podcast your go to for boldness, motivation and actionable confidence tips. I'm your host. Trish Blackwell, confidence coach, Best Selling Author and founder of the College of confidence. I help go getters like you, Master self talk, quiet self doubt and step into the life you were created for. You're here for more, and today's episode will help you claim it. Let's dive in and let's train those confidence muscles. Hey guys, I'm Trish Blackwell, and you're listening to the confidence Podcast. I'm so happy you are here. We are in Episode 619, and we're talking about guilt and being too hard on yourself. We're doing all kinds of guilt. We're gonna be covering mom, guilt, work, guilt, self care, guilt, mistake, guilt, expectations. Guilt, guilt that you're not doing enough, guilt that you ate the wrong thing, guilt over the extra glass of wine that you shouldn't have had, so to speak. Like, let's call it out for what it is, the word should. Every time you say it to yourself, you are creating your own suffering. So please know that when you ever hear me say should, there are air quotes happening here. Because I think the narrative we say to ourselves is that we should be doing so much more or so differently than we are. Listen, if you're new to the show, I have a big, warm welcome. We show up every Tuesday. I am committed to making sure you have something to look forward to on Tuesdays that you can apply right away, and if you are a loyal listener, I'm so happy that I have the privilege of being a voice of encouragement in your life. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Today, I want to make sure that you stick around to the end of this episode for three strategies that have been so game changing for me and for so many hundreds of my students, on reducing the guilt and being hard on yourself if you don't know me well, I need you to know this. This is the one thing you need to know. If this this topic is resonating, I know what it feels like to put way too much pressure on myself. I understand that self anxiety evoking guilt, and that is why these strategies and what I'm going to coach on today like I want you to know I'm not just preaching. I'm walking the walk. I'm walking this out. And the reason we're doing this episode is actually one of our listeners, long time, a little loyal listener, renelle actually asked me on Instagram, hey, can you do an episode on guilt? And I want to tell you this for two things. One, renelle, thank you for the great question. Two, if you're not following me on Insta, come hang out with me. I'm Trish underscore Blackwell over there. I also hang on on Facebook a little bit, so you can find me at Trish Blackwell coaching over there. But the other thing I want you to know is I really take your recommendations to heart. I want to know how to better serve you. What topics you need more coaching on? What do you want me to go deeper on? And if you are listening on Spotify? One Two things to know. You can leave comments. I did a little poll. I'm playing around with all the fun Spotify features, so check that out. And we have a video podcast version of this on Spotify. If you're an Apple user, I love my apple podcast too. Wherever you are listening, I'm so happy you are here. But renell reached out, and here's what she said, I can you do an episode on guilt? And I said, of course, but what type of guilt? What are we talking about? She said, Well, guilt, that when I'm with my kids, I should be working because I have orders to fulfill on a to do list that never ends. But then, but then guilt. That when I'm not working, I should be with my kids, that I have set aside times, and then when I haven't worked enough, that I should be doing more guilt that I haven't done enough of my own personal hobbies this summer. And renelle mentions horses that she has, and now we have busy season, and I'm not sure if I'm gonna give my passions the time that I want to give them, and that makes me feel guilty, and then guilt that I should want to be a stay at home mom when I don't, in other words, guilt that I'm living and designing my life. But it's not, quote, unquote, what I'm supposed to be doing, right? It's guilt. And you know, she phrased this, well, maybe it's more guilt that I love to work and then guilt that it's hard to turn work off, girl and everyone else listening. I get it. I think that we have so many shoulds and societal expectations that we we feel guilty for loving what we love. Guilty if you don't want to be stay at home mom, or maybe you don't even want to have kids, and there's a lot of pressure too. Maybe you feel guilty that you didn't go to the specific school, or you don't want to send your kids to private school. You really have wonderful public schools. Or maybe you feel guilty going sending your kids to public school because all of your friends are, are are doing private school like there's so much comparison that's happening, and that's where it becomes problematic. Our guilt is stemming from our comparison. And so I think the first breakthrough to letting go of the guilt is that you have to know and acknowledge that it's there. One of the things that I teach my students, and that I've been working on with myself, is understanding my feelings. This sounds simple. It's actually really harder than you think, because all often that we know is we just feel yucky, we feel frustrated, we feel stressed, we feel like disingenuous, we feel like we should be wanting something different than we do. And and that becomes complicated. We feel guilty that we did something, quote, unquote wrong, or maybe you skipped a workout, and so you then you beating yourself up. I'm not sure how your guilt is expressing itself, but I can tell you is that it doesn't it's not helpful. It's not helpful. But what we can do is look at our feeling of guilt. Guilt is a feeling, and feelings are indicators, not dictators. I think I used to think, Well, I feel this way, so therefore it's going to dictate and dominate how I behave and act after that, right? I can't help that. I feel guilty. I used to say that, but, but we can, and I'm not talking at a deeper if, for those of you who share a faith background, like I do. I'm not talking deeper spiritual conviction over guilt, over wrongdoing or sin, like I'm keeping this like, let's talk about how we behave in life, kind of guilt. Because I think what happens is we get the feeling of guilt. Either I feel guilty I forgot something for my for my from school. Maybe you felt guilty this week. I felt guilty because my daughter had a pre school activity, not preschool, because she's in fourth grade, but a before school activity that she loves. I was supposed to drop her off and I forgot. We both forgot. We also forgot her allergy shots this week, like I felt guilty and I started beating myself up. I should know better. I should do better. I should be better organized. So how do you know if you're feeling guilty, other than you just you know it, if you're shooting yourself, that's often an indicator to go and reflect a little bit deeper about, hey, hold on, like, let's, let's investigate this here. Let's investigate and be curious about why am I saying I should or shouldn't do something or I should have done it better? One of the breakthrough things you can say is, what did I do? Well, what could I do better? What will I do differently? Next time those three questions I have their core questions I love sharing with people like, anytime you feel stuck or you're frustrated or you're beating yourself up, ask yourself those three questions, what did I do? Well, here, even if you're like nothing, find something there is something you've done. Well, what would I do differently?

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Or what did i What? What can I do better? And what will I do differently? So we acknowledge that, and you say, Gosh, I'm feeling guilty. What do I want to do with this guilt? Often, if we feel guilty, we then go and we start beating ourselves up. And I don't want you to go to that. So we want to make sure the guilt doesn't then transfer into self judgment and beating yourself up. And so why do we feel so guilty? Let's talk about that for a minute. One, there's all these societal expectations we we and then we compare ourselves to others, and we have this expectation of our self, of perfectionism, out of nature. Nowhere like I'm not supposed to be a perfect mom. It's okay that I'm overdoing and I've spread and that things sometimes get forgotten. And we want to learn to start talking back to ourselves that now for me, I had, I have some mom guilt. I had some mom guilt that that that, that that very similar to our our listener who shared in a this conflict of saying, I sometimes feel guilty that I really love to work I should. Shouldn't I want to spend more time not working or more time doing something else? Then here's what I want you to give yourself freedom. You have full permission to love what you love, to enjoy what you enjoy. And I think that's where breakthrough happens. In fact, in my group coaching program, the College of confidence, we are actually spending this next coming month entirely dedicated to more, to one, tapping more into your fullest potential, to being more, but to desiring more. We often don't allow ourselves to have desires, to have passion, to have preferences, and we can cut through a lot of the guilt by saying I just found it pleasurable. It was really I love working. It's okay that I love working, and that's that I'm that I'm happy my my kids are in school, that's okay and it's okay if you feel the opposite. Now, the guilt that really wrecked my confidence for years was the guilt I put my on myself when I wasn't perfect, not being like, I think I'm perfect. More like Trish, you didn't, you didn't have the perfect workout, or you shouldn't have had that extra glass of wine last night, or you should know better, and you should have done this, and you should have done this, and you you need to do better. This is where, for me, the guilt was. I thought, if I could use guilt that I could spin it to myself in a positive way. Seems positive. It's a negative approach. Anytime you use a negative approach, listen, you're gonna get a negative result. But I didn't know that. So I used guilt to try to beat myself up, to motivate myself to then, like, almost like white knuckle, it to force change. I thought, well, if I make myself feel bad enough, and I just know I need to do better, then I will do better. Then I won't struggle with the extra glass of wine or the extra ice cream that I shouldn't have served myself, or the overeating or the over scrolling I should like, the guilt that I should have read my book last night instead of scrolling Instagram. None of that helps. It's I mean, you can keep doing that, but as somebody who did it for decades, I'm just going to tell you, it's not it's not worth your time. It's just not right. And so there's so many ways. I don't know how your guilt expresses itself, but what I want you to do is call it out. Identify that it's happening. Be that once you identify an emotion the way we can use it as an indicator. It's an indicator, not a dictator. It's an invitation for us to reflect inward and say, Hey, what's going on here? So if you feel emotion, the emotion of guilt, I want you to get curious, what am I thinking? What am I making it mean? What am I telling myself? Often you're saying I should have or shouldn't have, and then we have to remind ourselves, anytime we should on ourselves, we create suffering. So instead, we could get curious and say, Gosh, why was that extra glass of wine? Not a good idea. It's a good reminder today that I just don't sleep well when I have a glass of wine after 9pm I'm so grateful. I'm reminded of this lesson you've seen now we're not beating ourselves up. Now we're looking at this through a growth mindset and saying, Wow, what? You know, it didn't go the way I wanted. I'm not like, delighted that I didn't sleep well, or I didn't that. Here's my, you know, making an analogy up, but that I didn't do, quote, unquote, exactly what I said I was going to do. I should have done better. I should have been more disciplined. And instead of leaning into that guilt, the should or I should be different, or I should want something different, we can go, Gosh, I wonder why I didn't go with the plan. What did I do well? What did I not do well? And what will I do differently next time? This is how we stay in a place of positive growth mindset. Alright, guys, let's get to the nitty gritty. I've got these three strategies that I promised that you can, you can use that will really take the the pressure and the self critical voice, the guilt, the shame, the all of that, that dirt cloud of self judgment that really, here's the thing, if it was helpful, if I thought it was helpful to beat yourself up, I would say, keep doing it. Yeah. Yeah, but it doesn't. It's not how we create positive change, positive growth. We have to come from a place of compassion and curiosity and positivity and and and kindness and grace. And so these three strategies I'm going to give you are really easy to apply right away. I've already actually insinuated to one, and then don't forget to listen all the way to the end of the episode, because I have a couple other I have my three core thoughts that I want you to write down this week. Your power phrase pyramid that is, we're going to give you a beginner thought, a medium thought, and a top thought for your for reinforcing this freedom from putting pressure on yourself, this freedom from beating yourself up. That is really what it does, is when you, when you when you lean into the guilt, and you start being beating yourself up and feeling really bad and then wondering, how can you do better? All it does is it robs your distraction. It robs you of attention and your ability to focus. And what you start doing is you focus on what is negative in your life and what you're not doing, which is one of the fastest ways to Slippery slope yourself into insecurity, into showing up as a watered down, Meek version of yourself versus an abundant, vibrant, bold version of yourself. And so the freedom here that you're giving yourself by just being curious about your thoughts is so so huge. Let's do the three strategies. The one I've already shared with you is what I call the three questions. Now, if you're a student of mine in the College of confidence, you know that we coach on this. You know that this is one of our core go to strategies. It's so simple. I have the three questions written out for you in the show notes, but I do believe these will be easy to remember.

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What did I do? Well,

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what could I have done better?

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What will I do differently next time? Now, what if you're in present tense? What if you are maybe you've said no to a group activity, right? We sometimes say no to a social event that we want to go to with friends that we love, and we say no as a family because maybe our we've been exhausted. We the kids are fighting off colds, we've been traveling, we've had no time as a family, right? So we sometimes say no to the super fun thing at risk of potentially like hurting someone's feelings, or saying maybe, you know, any sort of social complication. And sometimes you go, Gosh, I want to say yes to that, but like, really want to say yes to my core needs. I feel guilty if I say no to them because they're making this effort. What you could do is use these questions in the present tense. What am I doing well here? Well, let's answer that what I am doing well is honoring I'm honoring the fact that our core needs come first. I'm honoring our family. I'm honoring our priorities. I'm honoring rest and recovery. When I say no to the other thing what I am doing well is I'm honoring myself. I'm listening and I'm willing to do and speak up for what I want. I'm giving myself permission. That is what I'm doing. Well now what am i What can I do better? I can what I can do better in that scenario is I can release overthinking, what they might be thinking about me by me saying no to that invite, right? Like I can do that better. And what am I going to do differently next time? Next time, when I have to turn down a social situation in order to honor myself, but then I feel guilty because like when they say, What are you doing? And I just say, I just need to hang out and take a bath, that what I'm going to do better next time is I'm just going to remind myself that I don't need to over explain myself. I'm going to remind myself that I can say yes sometimes, and it works and no sometimes, and it doesn't change the level of belonging that I have, the level of the relationship I have. But what matters is that I'm understanding my own needs and advocating for myself. So that's like a social situation, because I know that that comes up we often feel guilty of like, oh, I said no to them, yes to them, or break you feel guilty that maybe you you need to say no to something because of another priority. But both are priorities. This is happening all the time in our minds, and that's why these three questions are so critical for something past tense. What did I do well, what could I have done better? What will I do differently next time? What am I doing? Well, what can I do better? What am I going to do differently next time? So create great strategy, and even if you are struggling to find something, if you're feeling guilty over something you've done, or you feel like you've disappointed yourself or not followed through on something, or that you shouldn't love to work and enjoy the break from your your baby when they're napping, you still need to say, like, Hey, what did I do? Well, here, like, I'm being present. Like, find something. This is we are training the brain to be growth mindset oriented. When we say, like, I'm going to task you to go find the good. Alright, the next method is called. The 333, method. Now many of you have heard this. I mention it often on the podcast, and I have a free training and downloads a 10 minute training because I know you're busy. It's a 10 minute video that I will send you. It's absolutely free, and it's my you'll get my one page worksheet. This is a technique I do literally every night. It takes three minutes, and what it does is it creates a consistent habit of you reflecting at night and then and then giving yourself credit. One of the ways we break the pattern of self critical, self pressure, feeling bad, feeling guilty talk is because that's so so rooted in a current of negativity, we have to train the undercurrent of positive self talk, positive affirmation, validation on what we are doing versus on focusing on what we are not doing. And the three through your method will help you do that very briefly. Again, I'll give you the full training. Go to Trish blackwell.com, forward slash, 333, method you will learn it's just three minutes at night, you write down your three gratitudes from the day, three wins from the day, and three wins from tomorrow. I'll go more in detail on that, on that training, on how that works, why it works, and how game changing it is. But this is the number one strategy that I get the most consistent feedback from my students that it is like, absolutely game changing. And then the final thing, the final strategy for guilt and for being too hard on yourself, is inquiry. This is the state of inquiry. I want you to have a conversation with your seven year old self, particularly when you're beating yourself up and you're thinking, I should do better, you know, and I have the privilege of, right now having a seven year old, and he's so funny when he does beat himself up. It's like, like, as his mom, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? What, Babe, what are you worried about? Like, that's not a big deal. It's okay. Tell me why you're disappointed. Tell me what's going on. What are you thinking? Why are you feeling bad about that? And I want I lean into compassion and curiosity, and then I give perspective. I go, but hey, like, do you think it's necessary? My daughter, same conversation, right? She missed one question. She we are working on proactively breaking down the those like natural tendencies for perfectionism. But she was beating herself up. She was disappointed because she didn't get 100 on something. And of course, opens up the conversation. Instead of me as a parent, saying, Don't worry about it. Nobody cares. She cares. And so I gotta ask her. I got to get curious and compassionate. Hey, babe, why do you care? Tell me why it's important to you. Tell me what you're making it mean that your teacher might be thinking about you if you missed one question. Like, let's explore this. Like, there's no judgment, there's no dismissal of it. Like, oh, don't worry about it. You've still got a good grade. But I lean in because I want to understand her. I want her to know that it's okay to feel the emotion, but that she gets to not be dictated by the emotion, as we said. So I I ask myself this like, what would your sometimes with her? I say, Well, what would your teacher say if she knew you were beating yourself up? What would you what do you think she would say to encourage you? Right? What is and we I ask my kids overtly and very directly, hey, does beating yourself up work? Is this working? Do you feel better? Of course, they look at me like, No, I feel worse, right? But we have to ask ourselves, the same thing, but we start with inquiry. We get curious, hey, hey, why? Why am I making this a big deal? Why am I so disappointed in myself for that extra for the piece of pie that I shouldn't have eaten last night, for the text message that I feel awkward about now that I shouldn't have sent last night? Well, maybe I'm afraid that I'm not going to reach my weight loss goals, or maybe I'm afraid that they're going to think something weird about me. Okay, so once you acknowledge what the fear is, we get freedom. So much of guilt, so much of beating ourselves up, comes down to we're afraid that what we're doing isn't enough. And once you acknowledge the fear, and you can talk to it, and you can talk to the little seven year old of you that's inside, you can then go, okay, like it's actually okay. This is okay. I'm okay. I'm gonna be okay, and I can use this to improve myself. I can use this to be a better version of myself. So those are our three methods. It's inquiry, slash, you could call it a conversation with your seven year old self. I just talk to seven year old Trish all the time. The three through your method, which is a method of self crediting. You're self validating. You're so yeah, like, can I improve here? Absolutely. But you know why I am doing well, I'm also doing this here and here, and I'm proud of myself. And then the three questions, if you don't know how to do the self crediting, I actually have a course. I'll link it in the in the notes. Is, it's a seven day mindset reset. It's seven bucks. It's how to start self validating, self affirming. It's huge you can I think that the pretty link for it is Trish blackwell.com, forward slash self talk. Before I share some other episodes, if this topic resonates, I've got four other specific episodes that I want you to scroll back and listen to. I know that they will serve you well. I just wanted to thank all of you who have been showing up. You're leaving the five star reviews on the rating on Spotify that's helping us reach more people. Your reviews on Apple podcasts have blessed me so much. So encouraging. And those of you who are watching on YouTube when you when you hit, like, when you comment, I like. It makes my day. That's the best thing to say. So if you are encouraged, if you're watching on video, make a comment. If this show has encouraged you hit the rating, make sure you're hitting follow. And I want to say shout out to one of our most recent reviews from do the next thing. Just do the next thing it's it's set apart. This podcast is different than any other podcast I've listened to. Trish has a tenacity and fortitude for moving forward in life that is unmatched, like I that makes me want to cry, that is so well worded, that is my, my hope, that I inspire all of you to to that level. Pairing her unique personality with her faith, Trish shows us how to stay focused on what truly matters. She is brave, kind, and loves to help people. Love. Thank you. Thank you for that. Review other episodes to check out Episode 347 which is feeling guilty about everything how to stop today. So

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scroll back. That's 347, bonus. If you struggle with guilt over food, I have an episode for you that is way back, like we're talking archives of like, probably eight years ago, maybe, maybe 10, maybe 12. No, not 12, because we've been podcasting for 11 years. This is episode 117, eating without guilt. For those of you who are in as you're walking through what I did with emotional eating, stress eating, overeating, self sabotage, eating without guilt. Episode 117, you can get all these at my website if you go to Trishblackwell.com/podcasts. And then episode 525. Is how to be nice to yourself instead of hard on yourself. Maybe you don't resonate with guilt, but you resonate with a self critical voice, the beating yourself up, the feeling bad. You're gonna wanna check out episode 525, and then additionally, there's Episode 487, being hard on yourself doesn't work, and how to stop it. So those are, I'm gonna link those up in our notes, and let's, let's close out with our power phrase pyramid. As you know, it's our new weekly segment. And here's your summary affirmation for today's topic. Our beginner thought is, I deserve the same kindness I give to others. Medium thought is, I have two depending on how your guilt is expressing itself. One is, I choose peace, not pressure. This one's for those of you who put pressure on yourself, beat yourself up. I choose peace, not pressure, or I've outgrown beating myself up or putting pressure on myself. You know, often we don't talk about we don't want to say, I don't do this anymore. So I like to use a positive framing of it. I've outgrown it. I like that because there's things I have outgrown, and I can, I can attach that and say, I've outgrown this habit, I've outgrown this thought pattern, I've outgrown these fears. And even if you don't feel like you have start speaking over yourself, and you will see that you're closer to outgrowing them than you think you are. And then the top thought, Who? It's so simple. It's so simple, but it is powerful. I am enough and I am doing enough. I am enough and I am doing enough. You could even you can even frame it as I am loved and I'm doing enough. I almost like that one better, because it takes the enoughness off. My enoughness comes from the Creator who created me, right? I am enough. I am loved, and I am doing enough that I am doing enough, even even though I've spent hours preparing this, even though I'm recording this, even though I specialize on this content. You guys, I even just saying it for you, I am doing enough is like flooding my body like fresh oxygen. It feels so good to say it, breathe it in, and let that be your anthem today. Make sure you, if you are encouraged by this episode. Please press forward.

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Share the episode with a friend. Comment. Let

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me know, hit that follow button, and I will see you guys very soon on the next episode of The confidence Podcast. I'm so thankful that we get to spend time together. I'm so proud of you for being someone who says I'm gonna have the tenacity. And fortitude to move forward in my life, to maximize all that God created me to be so go out there today. Go spread love, spread kindness, spread joy in the world. Compliment something today, make somebody else's day better today because of what you said and how you loved and how you showed up. Go out there. Go be more of who you are. Be, you be free. Thanks for listening to the confidence podcast and allowing me to be your coach today in your life. If you love the show, please let us know by leaving a review in iTunes. Are you encouraged by what you learned? Share this episode with a friend and let us know that the show is changing your life by saying hi to us on social media and Instagram, Trish_Blackwell, or on Facebook, Trish Blackwell coaching. Ready to take what I teach and really take it to the next level? Join us today in the College of confidence. It's a group coaching program that you can join, risk free and cancel anytime in the COC, you'll scale your confidence, your courage and the changes you make in your life. It's the coaching, support and community you've been looking for. Go to www.collegeofconfidence.com to get started. If you love the podcast, you will love the College of confidence even more, and see even more transformation in your life, come and see you for yourself. I'm cheering you on, friend, see you soon. You.

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