STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP: IT DESTROYS YOUR CONFIDENCE

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You're listening to the confidence podcast, your favorite coaching podcast oozing with motivation, inspiration, and confidence to help you boldly take action on your dreams. I'm your host, Trish Blackwell, internationally recognized Confidence Coach, Best Selling Author and founder of the College of Confidence, the most encouraging place on the internet. I teach go getters in life, how to take your thoughts captive, how to step out of the shadows of self doubt, and how to courageously step into their purpose. With competence. It's time to pump our competence muscles and train our thoughts, y'all. Let's get started. Hey, guys, it's Trish Blackwell. And you're listening to that competence podcast. This is episode 568 are talking about something near and dear to my heart, beating yourself up. Because chances are, you listen to this show because you're driven, you're a high achiever, you tend to over commit, you have big goals, you've always done. And with that voice, that high achieving overachieving type, a driven personality comes the critical self voice, it's the voice that says you're not doing enough, it's the voice that says you should be perfect is the voice that says we need to be further along than we are. And it's the voice that will make you feel inadequate, wake up with anxiety, and continue to believe in the ineffective strategy of just well put more pressure on myself. If I'm just a little bit meaner to myself and a little bit more disciplined, and I just do better, well, then I'll finally get the results, right. So without realizing it, you think that you just have to get it out. We think we spend years spinning and unhappiness while on the outside to the world around us. It looks like we're achieving a lot. It looks like we are performing and we're happy. And yet. Most people don't know that you wake up with anxiety, or you always feel bad and you feel like you're not doing enough. And that is what we're going to fix today we're going to talk about how to stop beating yourself up, because it destroys your confidence. And it's an effective strategy. If you've ever beat yourself over up over small mistakes, or you constantly feel like you're falling behind, and you quote unquote, should be doing better than you think you are, then you're making life harder than it needs to be this episode is for you. In today's episode, I'm gonna be giving you 10 reasons to stop beating yourself up. And we're gonna talk about how to break the mental habit of beating yourself up. And the key to creating a new reality for yourself. So it's gonna be good before we dive into quick announcements, squeeze the day, it's happening tomorrow, or excuse that's today, 1010 we're gonna get more out of life and get more done, I'm going to teach you some of my best, high, highly effective, simple productivity hacks that helped me design my day and design my life. These methods, I'm going to talk to you about help you get more out of the day. Because we all have the same 24 hours, not everyone is using them as effectively. And not just to get more done, but to enjoy life more. I can get anybody to do more. But I want you to live more. And we're going to be going all into that on this free live training. It's happening 1010 at 6pm. You can grab your spot, you do need to sign up, we're recording it. And so if you can't make it live, we will send that recording out. But you got to be on the list. You got to be on the email you have to say yes, Trish, I want to squeeze the day I want more from my life. Go to Trish blackwell.com forward slash squeeze to grab your spot. The other thing I wanted to highlight today instead of review of the episode, I have a testimonial of the episode and it's from my client Dee she did a power hour session with me. You may not know that but I do offer that you can check it out on my website at Trish blackwell.com forward slash coaching if you're like I just want an hour like I don't need to commit long term relationship. I don't need a lot of coaching. I just need a strategy and action plan some power thoughts a focused thought plan and I need to know exactly how to get myself out of this funk or get to that next level or make that next jump in my business. So we offer those on my website. You can find out about those again at Trish blackwell.com forward slash coaching but here's what Dee said. She said Trish words can't even express my thanks. Coming from a wordsmith, the one hour with you has made my way forward clear, doable, and less scary. Thanks for all that you do. And I'll definitely be reaching out again, for another Power Hour. Friend, I'm proud of you. Let's talk about this. Let's talk about stopping the madness. Because reality is if you're not happy, or you're, you're happy, but you wake up with anxiety, or you're struggling with impostor syndrome, or you finally are in the field of your dreams, but you're constantly worried about litigation or being found out that you don't know enough or you're putting pressure on yourself to win every case that you that you, you, you take to court, or you are afraid of the medical malpractice lawsuits, and you constantly are on edge waiting to get in trouble waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's time to stop, it's time to trust yourself. putting more pressure on herself is not going to work. And here's 10 reasons why. Number one, it's simply not effective. Before I go into this list, actually, I should tell you, I'm a professional self critic, I spent two decades of my life beating myself up and I did it. To get myself to achieve more I did it to get myself more out of my workouts and my training. I did it because I thought it was effective for me to break some of my self sabotage habits of emotional eating and emotional drinking and, and breaking those habits. And I kept saying, I would shame myself for having made mistakes and think, Okay, well, if I'm mean enough to myself, then I'm going to be really disciplined. And what happened was I created a self perpetuating cycle of self induced stress limitations, and exhaustion. I'm not just coaching on this from a perspective of like, don't do it, I had to shift the entire way I talked to myself, I spent 20 years beating myself up 20 years being self critical. And so I also say that it took me years of repetition of the good inner self talk, to be at the place where I'm at today, where I still though still have temptation to be self critical, still have old thought patterns, old neural pathways that that rise up and say, Ooh, like, I don't know, should you? You could have done better, maybe you should. And instead, I asked myself, I self correct. I supervise my thoughts. And I sometimes simply say, what would it look like to be kind right here to myself? What does kindness look like right now, that has been a very effective, simple way to talk to myself, and to make sure that I'm always coming back to I've chosen self kindness. I've chosen compassion, I've chosen grace. So for so many years, especially as a person of faith, I would say, Well, God gives me grace. But I don't give myself grace. And I would just shrug it off, like I couldn't help it. The truth is, I could help it, I was choosing to be mean, I was choosing to be mean to myself. And I know that if this resonates with you, you're probably saying, I'm the nicest person, everybody but myself, if people knew the thoughts, I thought about myself, I would be embarrassed. And I would never dare say to any other human being even humans, I don't necessarily like I wouldn't, I wouldn't even say these things. So I used to think like that. And I used to think, Well, I'm still, I'm still a kind, loving human, I want to remind you how you do one thing is how you do everything. And if you're not kind to yourself, then you're not capable of being fully kind and fully loving to others. One of the things that helped me break this cycle of self criticism and self critical thinking and beating myself up and the pressure and that cycle of anxiety was that I decided that I wanted to be congruent. I want to be a person whose kind that that was an inspiring statement for me. But in order to say that into be truthful, I need to be a person who's kind to others. And we're going to finish that sentence, kind to myself. It has changed my life. So let's go back to our 10 reasons. Again, number one is it's not effective. You have to look and say, Well, how's it been working out for you?

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Because I think I was afraid to let go of this pressure of my quote unquote, high expectations of myself, because I went well, what if what if I let go and I stopped caring? If anything that I'm saying resonates with you, you are not wired to stop caring. It is is not in your blood, I can still remember my one of my first therapy sessions with my amazing therapist at the time. And I said, Well, I'm afraid to let go of my perfectionistic tendencies, because perfectionism serves me. And she said, I want you to pursue progression, not perfection, and I was afraid. And when we got down to what I was actually afraid of, I was afraid that if I stopped beating myself up, and I stopped having high expectations, that I would stop caring that I would get lazy that I wouldn't move forward and goals. And she lovingly laughed in my face. And she said, Trish Blackwell. It is not in your blood that stopped caring, you are wired, for achievement, you are wired, for a purpose, you are white, the things that you're passionate about aren't going to disappear, because you start being nice to yourself. I was afraid by that to take the foot off the gas that things would change. And my mom and she was right. And what she explained to me is there's a healthy expression of everyone's personality. So for me, there's a healthy expression of a type A personality, of an achieving personality. And there's also an unhealthy expression, but that type of personality that you have the one that gives you drive, the one that makes you care, that's not going to go away because you start being nice and supportive and loving. It's no different. You are your own coach, your inner voice is your own coach. Do you want a coach who yells at you are a coach who says you've got this? And if you study coaching, which I do, I like to study coaching as a field, of course, right? constantly studying, how do I effectively coach people for sustainable change, like how to how to make a concept compelling and simple. So it's not overwhelming. So I study life coaching, I study executive coaching, I study psychology, but I also study coaching sports athletics, like the best coaches in football, the best coaches in at the collegiate level, because there's coaching styles that people study to look at the psychology, psychological effectiveness, to get people to rise up to their potential. And studies have shown that Positive Coaching creates lasting impact and winning teams. If you want to live Win, win in your life, create a winning dialogue. So here we are still, number one, it's not effective. Number two, it makes life harder, guys, life is already hard. Why would you make it harder? If you're making it unnecessarily hard, and it doesn't prove anything, it just makes life harder for you invisibly harder that nobody else can see. Number three, it creates a negative life. And this is this was a really interesting realization for me when I was doing this work, that I always considered myself a positive person, I was probably considered the most positive person in my high school I was, you know, voted captain of any sports team I was on I was always the find the good girl, right? Like we got this guy's. And yet, inside, I was very negative. I never let it out. So just like black mold, it's self perpetuating got its roots in real deep in my heart. But it creates an negative inner life and your inner life is how you actually experience life. And so the positivity that I was putting out to others actually required more energy than it would have if I would actually had been positive and creating an internal positive atmosphere from the start. It also when you beat yourself up, it sets you back unnecessarily gives you a handicap. It says you start back here, everyone else is gonna start ahead. If you want to run the race of race of your life that way, go ahead. But I decided that I want every advantage that I can have. Right? You ever run a race as a kid where you're up events against a bunch of older kids and so they know they're faster and they give you a headstart. I want that Headstart. And we're racing in our own race of life but you can give yourself a headstart versus a setback. It also perpetuates anxiety. And for me having had a I'm highly prone to anxiety had an anxiety disorder for years. I want to I fight anxiety it is an inner demon. It is part of my past it's old thoughts that come in and I want to be on guard and anytime I start being self critical, anytime I start complaining to myself and beating myself up for being camping out in disappointment, it's okay to feel disappointed. But then making myself a disappointment when I take a an experience I personalize it, I am actually striking the fire of anxiety. And so I have to call myself out on it right. Another thing it does is it destroys your self concept. Your self concept is how you see yourself what you think of yourself. And if you think you're always behind, if you always think that you're not enough, if you are continuing to tell yourself that everyone else knows what they're doing, and that you better keep yourself together because you don't want to be found out. You are destroying your self concept. No wonder you wake up things anxious. No wonder you're on edge at work. No wonder you're not asking for clarification on the the projects are given because you're intimidated, and you don't want people to think you're stupid. But if you already know you're a smart individual who's pursuing growth, if you already know that, what you have is enough and that you're always growing and you're open and coachable, then you won't be afraid to ask questions. And if you already know that, in order to become better, you have to make mistakes and you won't beat yourself up. Instead, you'll lean in to opportunities to make mistakes so that you get better. Or the last couple of reasons is that dramatize Your hiccups and keeps you stuck in them. Because when you beat yourself up, you spin in circles and you make a small mistake become a medium mistake. And then then before you know it, the medium mistake becomes a big mistake. And then then you can't let it go. Then you punish yourself, then like and I'll tell you, for me what this looked like this looked like. Especially when I was in a season where every penny I spent counted, right? I would not drive home sometimes to save gas. I remember not coming to a full stop at a stop sign. Middle of the night, sleepy town. Turning right. I kind of went like I like slowed down off the highway and turned right. I was like maybe going two miles an hour, right? slow enough that no cars were coming. But I did not come to a full stop. And there was a police officer who, as they should have stopped me. And I got a ticket as I should have. And I beat myself up for weeks about it. I punished myself by saying you can't buy any coffee you I mean, I had this whole thing was a money mindset thing of scarcity. And I should know better. I should have known better and how could it be so irresponsible and I kept kept going back on it kept going back on it kept going back on it. I used to do it too, when I would if I over ate anything at night popcorn ice cream, I had an extra glass of wine, my brain would immediately go to what do we do? Well, Oh, you shouldn't have done that. Trish. Well, now you're not going to look so good tomorrow now. Yep. And usually, you know, you're a personal trainer, if people knew that you weren't so disciplined how, you know, my brain would just go and dramatize it. And then I would punish myself and then the cycle repeats you guys it's a horrible way to live life and you don't have to live that way. Bottom line to next thing it makes you unpleasant to be around because that Bruno Trish, she was stressed, she was distracted. She was constantly feeling behind and insufficient and on K incapable of moving forward. That's unpleasant. It also tarnishes your sense of self trust and self kindness. I didn't trust myself. I was constantly waiting for myself, to mess up for the other shoe to drop, I was so afraid of a mistake. Because a mistake to me was opportunity to be disappointed to judge myself to beat myself up to have evidence of why my life couldn't be good, that

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I didn't know how to be kind to myself in a mistake. And so then I didn't trust I was constantly afraid I would mess up.

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And my life changed when I realized making mistakes is how I get better. I don't ever roll through stop signs ever now. Because I had to pay a fine. I had to pay a fine when I didn't have the $50 to pay it. A mistake led to better safety, better driving, better responsibility, but I couldn't see it at the time. It also, the final reason I have for you is it disrupts your sleep when you beat yourself up. When you're too hard on yourself. It disrupts your sleep and your ability to rest well so you create mental and emotional and physical exhaustion. And when you're exhausted, exhausted, life is hard like this harder than it needs to be. And then you don't have the motivation or the follow through that you wanted in the discipline that you wanted. Then then now you have to add fuel to the fire you got more things to beat yourself up or fatigue shifts our ability to perceive challenges appropriately. When you're exhausted when you're fatigued. The things that you want the big the big goals they feel too far away they feel insurmountable and you tell yourself a story that you can't even handle life now what who is why would you even think you can handle beyond that and When all this starts, because I'm just tough on myself, Oh, I just I've always been this way. Please stop, please stop saying that. You don't have to stay though just because you've always been this way doesn't mean, you have to stay that way. That's your choice. And take it from me. And I hope you really hear me. If I can change my brain, anybody can. If I can break this cycle, you can too. And if you're like, Great Trish, show me how this is the work we do in the College of confidence. Because we have seven years of content at this point, we have courses available to you instant access, we have so much on this. We're constantly doing new workshops, new courses, new content, new coaching, but I have massive amounts of support here to help you break these habits help you change the inner narrative, your inner self talk, and your approach to yourself. Because I want you to believe that success can be easy, that you can trust yourself that you can be kind, and that you can be kind and encouraging and filled with grace and that you will actually be more successful as a result. So how do we break the habit? I got five things for you before we close out number one, stop saying you can't help it you can. I was stuck in my life for so many years, because I kept saying that I can't help it. This is how I am. I'm so glad that somebody taught me that that was a thought error. It's just a thought you can change your thoughts. Number two, decide to be a kind person, it goes back to what I said earlier, decide to be kind, new, you're probably already the nicest person on your, your street, you're probably so kind to everybody, you're probably the person who raises your hand when everybody needs volunteer, you're probably doing other people's jobs for them. But it's not authentic until you start being kind congruently consistently inside and out to yourself as well. And I again, one of the ways I do that is I say what would it look like for me to be kind to myself right now. In fact, I said that, I mean, I learned these skills, probably eight or nine years ago, I actually said that to myself the other day, yesterday morning. And I asked myself, and then I made an adjustment in what I was doing based on that. And then I reaffirmed and self validated and said Trish, this is you being kind to yourself, good job. Because when you have such a history of not being kind yourself, you need to celebrate to affirm every small micro kindness that you extend. And it never gets old guys, it felt really good after nine years of doing this work to even acknowledge myself yesterday and go look good to being kind. That's it. That's how we live now. Number three, change your strategy. The strategy of saying this is how I get results just doesn't work. Change your strategy, change your approach. Four, dedicate yourself to managing your mind. It's the single most effective way to change your life, your thoughts, create your actions, or your thoughts, create your emotions, your emotions create your action. So how you think and what you think is possible or not, as Henry Ford said, Whether you believe you can or you believe you can't, you're right, what is a belief, it's a thought that you repeat it enough that you over and over and over until you believe it to be true. So your thoughts create your reality, your thoughts create your future, your thoughts create your potential. The only reason I was telling my neighbor this, the only reason that I have built this business of my dreams, a life of my dreams flexible, traveling the world with my children, creating impact and millions of lives is because I had the thought maybe I could do something different than a traditional job. All this started with a thought, then it bridge to maybe I can make money online. Then it bridge to I have skills and information that could help people. It's a thought and then I would take action on the thoughts. And the thought is this work matters. But the thought for myself was the work that I'm doing matters, the journaling, the therapy, the coaching, the intentional gratitude every day, it matters. And I'm pretty dedicated to good oral hygiene. Managing my mind is no different. I'm dedicated to good mental hygiene, emotional hygiene, looking at serving my thoughts parenting my thoughts. I'm dedicated to parenting my children to the best of our ability. My husband and I as a team and we're constantly reflecting on it. Parenting isn't just a check the box. I learned it under the skills its implementation in every every day every week there's a new issue or challenge or approach or thing you learn about your child that you then pivot and say we would we take action on this. What does this mean? It's eidetic Add to parenting. That's an active thing in you guys like, my kids are six and eight. I'm never gonna stop parenting them. Now they're gonna be adults. At some point. They'll have their own things, but my mom is still parenting me. You heard Gosh, a couple episodes ago, that for two weeks, I just was a puddle of mud for my mom just tears she let me grieve she she helped me parent my kids while I was grieving the loss of our dog like that relationship. Never. So there's always active parenting, it's no different actively parenting your brain, your mind your thoughts. And then finally, think thoughts on purpose. And we teach all of this in the College of competence, you can find more about the College of competence at College of confidence.com. It's risk free, month, month, cancel it anytime. It is the we believe the most affordable and most effective life coaching available anywhere. But I teach you how to think on purpose. And again, coming from somebody who was like, I don't know how to think I can't help I think the sports psychologists couldn't help me. I was told as an athlete, I had amazing potential, but it's too bad. I couldn't get my mind. Right. And nobody could help me. I was a lost cause. If I went from a lost cause to somebody who's teaching people to think on purpose, then you can do it too. But you got to surround surround yourself with people who are doing the same thing. You got to do the work every day. You've got to say today Well, I wonder what I'm thinking about today. What do I want to think on purpose today? What do I want my core dominant emotion to be today? How will I show up and you start living that out? If today's episode resonated with you, here's some other episodes you're gonna love. Episode 557 called not measuring up. We also have episode 559. curating and nurturing self love I want to give you you're like, okay, great Trish, like, you told me to be nice to myself. But how right? You might have spent two decades three decades for decades. Not knowing how. So make sure you listen to episode 559, nurturing self love. And then 561 is also really effective for giving your yourself and loving the past you the you the version of you that was tough on yourself, the version of you that beat yourself up the version of you that spun your wheels that we did some years, whatever it is, that episodes are really, really good. So you got episodes 537-550-9561 You guys, it's such a privilege. For me to be a voice of encouragement in your life. Thank you for choosing this podcast. Thank you for sharing the show with friends, thank you for those of you who write reviews, thank you for those of you who invest your time and apply this work to your life. It is my absolute privilege and pleasure to walk alongside you in life or remind you of who God created you to be of the massive capacity that you have inside of you. And of the open future that you have the world is your oyster life can be massively beautiful, but it has steps there is risk there is uncertainty, there is effort, and the effort is always worth it. So you're in the right place. And I always am ready to go deeper with you when you join us in the College of confidence. So I hope to see you there. And I'll see you next week here on the confidence podcast. Go out there today go be more who God created

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you to be. Be you. Be free. If you loved today's episode of The confidence podcast, I invite you to check out the College of Confidence at www.collegeofconfidence.com.The COC is where your next step is. In the COC we cultivate confidence create courage and spark change. It takes everything we do here on the podcast to the next level and our members get crazy life changing results. I'm so confident that you will find that the COC is the most encouraging place on the internet and that it will so wildly exceed your expectations that it comes with a money back guarantee hate joining is completely risk free you owe it to your future self to take your growth to the next level by coaching with me in the COC. Join me today at www.collegeofconfidence.com.