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You're listening to the confidence podcast, your favorite coaching podcast oozing with motivation, inspiration, and confidence to help you boldly take action on your dreams. I'm your host, Trish Blackwell, internationally recognized Confidence Coach, Best Selling Author and founder of the College of Confidence, the most encouraging place on the internet. I teach go getters in life, how to take your thoughts captive, how to step out of the shadows of self doubt, and how to courageously step into their purpose. With competence. It's time to pump our competence muscles and train our thoughts, y'all. Let's get started. Hey, guys, it's Trish Blackwell and you're listening to the competence Podcast, the podcast, go to one stop shop. A resource for all things competence today is episode 566. And we're talking today about how to be more likeable. Because when you like yourself, others will like you more. And that increases your overall likability factor. Now increasing your likability factor can open doors of opportunity, expand favor in your life and make you appear more confident to others. Now, he might go waitress you talk all the time about not caring what people think why are we coaching on likability? Well, because there's a difference between being likable and caring too much what people think these are very different things. Although it seems like by increasing your desire to be liked, or to increase your likability factor, that you were then caring what people think. And we're going to coach today on the difference in how to navigate these in a clean way. This episode is going to help you also find the courage to be disliked, as well as how to increase your overall likability, there's a duality that happens to be likable, you also have to be willing to be disliked to be unlikable. And that all starts first with liking yourself, you're going to listen to this for I'm gonna give you 19 ways to be more likeable, while also releasing some of that pressure that you're putting on yourself about whether or not people like you, we're going to be talking about why likeability matters, the difference between being likable and caring too much what people think, and the upside in being disliked. This is a good episode, if you care about what people think, or you want to be more likeable, or it's confusing. This episode is for you. I have our listener of the week and this is an unusual listener of the week and I actually have a pit in my stomach. As I say this, my listen to the week is my sweet, sweet puppy. Who just went to doggy heaven. Finnegan we lost him a week ago today of my recording, and it was very Son and so many of you have just outpoured love to us. He was my first baby. He we he was nine years old. We got him when I was pregnant with my daughter, he started my business with me. And the reason he did it was a very sudden very unexpected, awful loss. And you know, what I've experienced is that grief is grief is intense. And grief for a loved pet can be very, very intense. And you can check on my Insta to see how cute he was the most distinguished gentleman and Irish Terrier, the best family dog one could ever ask for. But the reason why I'm bringing this up here is I want to thank each and every one of you who reached out who even just liked his photos, who helped me feel like I was honoring Him, who saw me in my pain, who loved on me you loved on me as a community just with your comments, with your likes, with your prayers with your thoughts with the DMS, all of it. And my lesson my takeaway was never underestimate the power of a kind word. You have no idea what somebody's walking through. And even if you think well, I don't have the right thing to say. And what I'm gonna say is not gonna matter. And other people are probably saying this or that it still matters. It moved me and encouraged me so deeply. I cannot express it. So thank you. The other thing I want to say the reason we're honoring Finnegan as listener of the week is because I don't know if there's many people who have listened to every single podcast. This dog recorded every podcast with me. This is my first podcast recording without him. Animism and I miss him being at my feet. I miss him barking and interrupting the podcast. me having to edit it out. But to my most faithful listener, you are my listener of the week. I want to share the review of the week. It's from Mary Exos. She said amazing just listened to the self for Kipnis podcast, and cried happy tears, it spoke heavily to me, and I'm going to share it with everyone I know. So thank you for that review. You guys, I'm so delighted that you invest in your thoughts. You listen to this episode, you listen to this podcast, whether it's your first time, or if you've listened to 500 something episodes, it says that you are willing to do the work, those who are willing to reflect on their lives will live lives worth reflecting upon. When you start being mindful of your thoughts and aware of your thoughts, you start being able to master them, and the courage it takes to say there's more to life. And there's more in me than I think, and I'm not sure how to tap into it, but I'm gonna get carriers, I'm gonna start looking for tools, and I'm gonna get good people in my life to speak things and give me direction and tools to do this. You are up leveling your life, you're up leveling your impact. And it's just a privilege that I get to walk on this journey with you. So thank you for doing the work on you. Because I believe that we are creating a community of world changers and difference makers. The work you do on yourself is for you, I want you to have a better life I want you to do to achieve things beyond your wildest imagination. But I also want you to have a massive impact. And the more you do the work on yourself, the more your impact will be in the lives of others. Okay, so let's go in to coaching. Let's coach on this likeable concept how to be more likeable? Well, here's some basics. Being more likeable is a valuable social skill. And it can help you build better relationships and connections with others. And let's be honest, it opens doors. I don't say we are trying to manipulate people to like us, I'm saying, start to think about yourself as a likable person. Now one of the core things is in order to be likable, you have to first like yourself, if you don't yet know, if you like yourself, that's where I want you to start today. I want you to pull out a pen and paper and write down some reasons why you are likeable. Why are you a good friend? Why are you good listener? Why are you good? A contributor in the workplace? Why are you likeable? And before you beat yourself up? Or say, I don't even know, remember in coaching, when you come up with a word, I don't know, when you come up with that as the answer. It's not it's not the end of the conversation. It requires your brain to say, we know, keep digging, keep digging. I do know that I'm likeable, because I know there are people who like me, brain, let's find the reasons. I write them down. Maybe you're just maybe a great listener, maybe you have an amazing laugh. Maybe your creativity inspires others and puts beauty into the world. Maybe you're a good and loyal friend, maybe you are just a very enjoyable conversationalist and you make people feel welcome. Why are you like, Well, and, and I want you to know that not. And because we want to sharpen these social skills, this sharpening of social skills and the strength that you already have will give you more social confidence. But I want you to sharpen and increase your ability to like yourself, when you like yourself. You won't care who doesn't like you. That's one of our core tenants of how to be free from caring what people think. Because if you like you, and you like being friends with you, and you like spending time with you, you also know when people don't like you, it's their loss. And going back to one of the most just significant things we learn in life we learn in kindergarten, or in preschool. And it's what I've told my kids and I'm sure you were told as a kid and what you've told your kids if you have kids, not everyone is going to like you. And that's Oh, okay. Because it doesn't really if someone like it has no bearing on your worth that has no bearing on your likability if someone doesn't like you, or somebody has opinions about you, that aren't aligned with what you want them to think it actually has. No, it doesn't matter. That's their that's their brain, their thought their story. It doesn't change your likeability. But when you like yourself, you'll spend more time with yourself when you like yourself. You'll respect yourself when your own likeability to yourself has a higher increase. You'll respect yourself you'll follow through on yourself, you will do what you say you're going to do you will treat yourself as a friend you will learn to trust yourself you will show with confidence. And when you start becoming this, this expanded version of you, you will build trust in others others will start seeing you differently. And you know what people are drawn to one of the core likability factors is confidence.

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Your confidence, the more you double down on your confidence and your inner competence, your confidence in your own relationship with yourself. Your competence and your faith that you're you have purpose that you have a God given God ordained purpose in your life that there's this is not just some arbitrary it's experience of life that we are walking through there is something bigger than you. And you and you know that you are not alone on this journey. And you will like the journey and you you create a life that you like. And then a life that you love. You will show up with confidence you will show up with joy that draws people in. We are we like people who draw us in. They don't have to be like us they could but we we are drawn towards a magnetized towards confidence towards people who know who they are. There's a lot of people that I like that I'm very different from but I like them I find them very likeable. Because they, they know themselves, because they they know who they are. They don't make apologies for who they are. They go all in on what they want. Even if I have no shared common interest, I can still say about some people. Gosh, I find them likable. Like they're not maybe my cup of tea, they're not going to be my best friend. We're not necessarily hanging out together. But our likability factor to me is so beautiful and so alluring and attractive, because it because at the core they have stopped trying to be somebody they're not. So how do we here's some basics of how to be more likeable one smile, a genuine smile is one of the most universally likable expressions it makes you appear friendly and approachable. To become an active listener, when you show genuine interest in what others are saying, and you give them your full attention and you maintain eye contact and you nod and you encourage and you say I hear you use matter what you say matters. You're giving these nonverbal cues to show that you're engaged in the conversation. And when you're engaged in a conversation you create connection connection is currency. Connection creates likability. If you can make someone feels seen or heard and, and loved they will and that they matter. You they will like you even if you aren't saying anything. If you're listening well and smiling, and seeing them, your likability factor goes up. Number three, Be positive, be a positive person, insist on positivity. insist on having a positive life. It's not. It seems so simple. And it is but simple doesn't mean easy. maintain a positive attitude. Fix your mind to end determine yourself to see things the bright side of things, because people are drawn to those who radiate positivity and optimism. But it's not going to be just you wake up like that. You have to work at number four empathy, practice showing empathy. And the more you do that, the more you have compassion for others, and you say gosh, that must be tough. The more you relate to their feelings and the perspectives of others, and you stop pretending that your life is perfect, and that you know what all you just are with them in the human experience. The more you connect with them, you wish and you show that you care about their emotions and their experiences, you are becoming more likeable, they feel safe with you people, like people who make them feel safe and sane. Number five usernames, oh my gosh, the the best. The best word in any language is your own name. When people say my name, I light up. It's crazy. So when the more you and this is in sales really critical if you're ever if you're in sales in any capacity, the more you use someone's name, the more connected that person that potential buyer will feel to you. So addressing people by their names when speaking to them, or when you and when they introduce themselves and you exchanged names and they say hey, I'm Amy, you go okay, hey, get Trish. Amy Right. Oh, Amy, it was so great to meet you and you say their name a few times, your likability has gone up because you've used their name a couple of times and you've given yourself the mental edge to be able to remember their name. It creates a sense of personal connection. Number six body language pay attention to your body language, maintain the open and welcoming postures. We talk about this often in my coaching program, the college confidence, because when you when you cross your arms or you appear disinterested, or you say well I'm just shy, or I'm a quiet person, or I can't help it I have. I have a low aspect of on my face, RBF face whatever it might be. You can't help it. We have to be mindful if we go I want to be warm and welcoming. I'm not being fake. I'm being open. And it just simply starts with open body language. Number seven being genuine authenticity is key. Be yourself. Let your true personality shine through because people appreciate sincerity and they can often spot insincerity. I like the full version of you the real version of you the awkward the nerdy, the weird, the weird version of you is so likeable. Stop being a watered down cooled version of you and nobody likes that. Everyone sees right through it. No one can connect to that. Number eight compliments my gosh one of the easiest ways to increase your likability is to give sincere compliments when appropriate. Recognize appreciate, be the person who says I like your shoes, you look great today, build others up. The more you build others up, the more your likability factor increases. And what's so cool about compliments when you start being a person that that gives out compliments like confetti, those will boomeranging back to you and it will you will receive them, you will hear yourself saying positive things and you will start having more ease in your own subconscious talk and your own inner self talk to have to compliment yourself. Number nine, remember details, making an effort to remember details about other people's lives, whether it's their dog's name, what grade their kids are in, where they used to live. And interesting fact about them is so key because it makes them feel like they're memorable. And they and they are we want to honor other humans, we want them to know that they matter or their interests in their birthdays or their important events. What it does, when you remember details big and small, like it shows that you care. It shows that you are attentive, and that makes you stand out because there's we live in a very busy world we live in a very self focused world, which is can feel sad and demoralizing, but also has huge opportunity. There are so many people to love on. There's so many ways to stand out. Number 10 help others offer helps, and support. Being helpful and generous can make you more likeable. And this doesn't mean crossing the bridge into people pleasing. Okay, mind you on that 11 Use humor humor use it appropriately now. I'm not I'm not a person who's great at leading with humor, but I engage in humor by being I am your look if you're funny, I'm your best friend. Like I make my I think all my friends are funny. And I think I make them feel like they should be the number one stand up comedian anywhere because I like I can't people my friends make me pee my pants like I I am the audience that every funny person wants. And so I'm that increases my likability because I'm allowing myself to laugh and be myself. Now you can use your humor appropriately. A good sense of humor can lighten the mood and makes you more approachable and more approachable. Number 12. Avoid negative self negative talk and that starts with negative self talk, but refrain from Gossip if you want to be likable. Put boundaries on gossiping boundaries on negativity, stop making judgments on people or just even random passing comments. People tend to gravitate towards people who are positive and non judgmental. They tend to trust those people more. Number 13 Be a good communicator. The more you work on your communication skills, including your clarity, your ability to express your thoughts and ideas effectively your willingness to raise your hand your willingness to have emotional conversations, or let someone know when you felt left out or just actually saying what's on your heart. The more people trust you it increases your approachability and approachability creates likeability. Number 14 respect boundaries respect other people's boundaries and personal space. The being respectful of their comfort zones and their preferences without going into people pleasing there's a line will make you more likeable. You know, one of the things I have listed here, but it really comes all the things we've talked about so far have already contributed to it. That building trust everything we've listed so far builds trust, but focusing on saying I want to connect with people, I want their trust, I want to be a person who who's trustworthy, I want to be reliable, which means showing up what I say I'm going to not being late being somebody who does what they say they're going to do keeping my promises. It's essential for building lasting relationships and it will it it tells people this person is worthy of my trust, therefore they are more likeable. 16 show gratitude, expressing gratitude when people do something for you gives you such a way to connect. You acknowledge their efforts by showing appreciation and reinforces positive interactions, which creates likeability. Number 17 Be open minded, be open to different perspectives and ideas. And the more you can say, Oh, that's interesting. That's not how I would do it. But that's a lie that's interesting would need approach or I wonder why they believe that I am sure there's some pretty pretty profound attachment to that belief, by not being judgmental, and this could be guys political parties, but we're about to go into a lot of election season here in the United States. What a great opportunity to practice being open minded. Even if you adamantly oppose one side. How can you be more open minded and loving without being judgmental, but still being firm in what your beliefs are, you can hold firm to your beliefs, honor others and maintain likeability by the way you approach it.

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Practice patients understand that everyone not everyone's gonna like you and it's o k. And number 19, is to ask more questions when you show interest in other people. People feel like you like them, when they make the assumption that you like them, they automatically like you more. And here's a bonus one, be different. Be authentic, be yourself. Don't be a watered down version of what everyone else is people like people who are different. And you are different. Let yourself be yourself. Now, that takes effort that takes a risk. It's it's a whole process, something we coach on often in the College of competence. So if you want to do some of that work, come join us at College of confidence.com. But this list, I have this list written out for you if you really want to practice this, I encourage you to go to the show notes and read back through these show notes for today's episode, you can find at Trish blackwell.com forward slash 564 Excuse me 566 566. I clearly need some more caffeine. But I want to before we close out I'm gonna give you a couple more coaching points. likability matters because it builds relationships. It increases effective communication and openness. It aids in networking. It promotes teamwork and collaboration. It helps in conflict resolution, it increases leadership. It supports personal well being and a sense of belonging. It creates influence and persuasion. It advances career development and opportunities. It leverages attractiveness in social situations. It enhances problem solving, and it increases opportunities. The more you like yourself, the more likeable you will be to others. The more you ground yourself upon the Golden Rule Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, the more likeable you will be there are some core biblical principles that create healthy relationships with others, and promote a likability factor in a very healthy way. So let's talk about that. What is the unhealthy obsession with being liked? Well, the difference between being likable and caring what people think, is that when you're likeable, you're being yourself. When you're worried, and you're trying to earn people's opinion and try to get people to like you, you're pretending. So being likable and believing that you're likable is about connecting with others, creating a life you love cultivating or calling, collaborating with God's plan for you as his masterpiece, honoring other people in there. And God's designed for them and as as God's creatures, caring about what matters, living your life to the fullest, knowing there will be people who like you. And there will be people who don't like you along the way. And that's not a problem. Whereas caring what people think, is about impressing others, being popular, people pleasing, trying to control opinions about you, being someone that you're not or watering down who you are, or, or watering down your words, because you don't want to offend somebody, or also caring what people think is also the flawed thought that you believe that everyone can like you or should like you or will like you. It's a losing battle. And I want to open this with what an amazing thing that we have 8 billion people so many diverse, different stories, a tapestry of of just immaculate, interesting. Diversity. I like that. It's so complex. I like that there's so many differences and how unreasonable would be that we need to like that all 8 billion people need to like you just doesn't even there's just there's no there's no sense to that. And instead there's beautiful in contrast there it needs to be the differences the the the people that you're going to be drawn to and people that you're not now we we don't have to like everyone, that's okay. But we can love them as human beings you can love and honor somebody and as a neighbor as a human as as somebody in your community and not like them. Your liking is your preferences, your likability is who you want to spend time with. So it's okay to not like people or say they're just not my they're not my preferred person I'm going to spend my free time with but if you want for me, I give myself that permission. And that gives other people the permission to feel like that about me. But based on my my relationship with God and what I believe about his creation, I believe I want to love everyone. I want to love people. I want to love the humans right? And I can love people and honor them and respect them. And for all of them. And some I will like and some I will not like and that's okay, but I can still love very different. Now what's the upside to how do we have the courage To be disliked. When you find the people who just aren't your people, you'll find people who are. being disliked means that you stand for something and that you don't just blend in. It means that you're different means that you're being yourself means that you're saying, It's okay for other people not to like me because I like me. And just because they don't like me doesn't have any bearing or commentary on my worth, my value, my meaning, my purpose, my, my joy, my social life. Now, here's what I think is really helpful when you know the reasons why people might not like you, and then you make peace with it. When you do then when people are not your number one fan, you're not going to be bothered. Why about why they might not like you. Now, here's my list. I would encourage you here are the reasons why people might not like me. I'm too positive. I'm too blonde. I'm too All American. I care about my eyelashes. They might think that's ridiculous. That might for some people that might see me go, No, I'm too intense. I'm too focused. I like fitness running snowboarding too much. I love Jesus too much. I don't like to gossip. I don't like doing nothing. I don't like not having goals. I don't like to stay up late. I love to travel. I love words. I love languages. I like to be by myself, but I also am very extroverted. I will always speak my mind. I will always express my preferences and advocate for what I want. And for some people all of those three, you can find a lot of people who go she's too nerdy you know, she's too loud. She's too intense just too into fitness. All that's okay. It's okay. But when I look at that list, I go if somebody doesn't like me for these reasons, I'm actually very okay with because I like me, I like these things about me. I like these things about me and what how my my personality is wired and how I like to live and operate in the world. And when someone isn't, this is not someone's cup of tea. It's just a very neutral thing. I totally get it. It's, it's, some people just don't like peppermint. I love peppermint. It's not a judgement, I don't like potatoes. You might be like, what? I will not you, you maybe you could pay me to eat french fries. But like it would be like, it would be a thing I don't I really don't like french fries. Okay, it's just a preference, right? So I want to encourage you to make a list of the reasons why you might not be liked. And then as long as you like those reasons. And these are good reasons for you, embrace them give other people permission. And when you do this, you go Wait, I have the courage to be my this gives me the courage to be myself. Now if this episode resonated with you, I do have two episodes I want you to check out and you can access them by scrolling back in the podcasts that you listen to you can access them via these direct links I'm going to give you or you might not know that you can access all 566 episodes of the podcast on my website, go to Trish blackwell.com forward slash podcast. We also halfway down that page, we have a little search bar. And you can type in what you're looking for just keywords and find every episode that I've done in the last 10 years on that keyword. So the two episodes I'm going to recommend off the top though, are episode 477. How to have the courage to be disliked the great episode that's going to continue this conversation. So Episode 477, go to Trish blackwell.com forward slash 477 or Episode 536, which is why it doesn't matter what people think. 10 reasons and how to believe these reasons. That's Episode 536, which you can find at Trish blackwell.com forward slash 536 next week's episode, we're gonna be coaching on reverse inspiration. It's a new way I'm teaching how to keep yourself inspired how to keep yourself motivated, how to keep yourself how to cut actually know what we you decide what you want in life and for your life and with your life. It's going to be so good. It's you've not heard this approach before. And I'm pretty, pretty, pretty excited because I think it's gonna jazz you up. So make sure you're subscribed to this episode to this podcast. And if you liked this episode, let me know. Let me know by leaving a review, let me know by sharing it on on social media. And I'm going to challenge you. If you like somebody and you think they're likable,

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share this with them and say you're already crushing it and your likability factor. But I think you'll like this episode too, because you do all these things. And I think you're amazing. I think you'll be encouraged by this episode as well. So one final announcement before we close out. Net in October. We're not doing Oktoberfest, we're doing competence best. And that is all happening in the College of competence. We have a couple of workshops I just wanted to tell you about we are literally doing a festival of competence. We have a workshop on how to have confidence in your decisions, how to have competence for your kids how to be your kids will have the reflection of confidence that you have how to teach your kids to have more confidence and it starts with you but we're going to walk you through a process We have another workshop on how to have confidence in your potential. We're gonna have a workshop in October on how to have confidence in your friendships and your relationships. And then finally, we have another one on how to have confidence in your work. This is a month competence vest that you do not want to miss. Get into the program, it's 100% risk free if you're not more competent in the first 14 days. If you don't feel more confident after the first 14 days, just let us know. And we'll give you your money back. It's that simple. 100% risk free, go to college a competence.com to get started. Go out there today. Go be more of who God created you to be. Be you. Be free. If you loved today's episode of The confidence podcast, I invite you to check out the College of confidence at college confidence.com. The COC is where your next step is. In the COC we cultivate confidence, create cards and spark change. It takes everything we do here on the podcast to the next level, and our members get crazy life changing results. I'm so confident that you will find that the COC is the most encouraging place on the internet, and that it will so wildly exceed your expectations that it comes with a money back guarantee hate joining is completely risk free you owe it to your future self to take your growth to the next level by coaching with me in the COC. Join me today at www.collegeofconfidence.com

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