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You're listening to the confidence podcast, your favorite coaching podcast oozing with motivation, inspiration, and confidence to help you boldly take action on your dreams. On your host, Trish Blackwell, internationally recognized Confidence Coach, Best Selling Author and founder of the College of Confidence, the most encouraging place on the internet. I teach go getters in life, how to take your thoughts captive, how to step out of the shadows of self doubt, and how to courageously step into their purpose. With competence. It's time to pump our competence muscles, and train our thoughts, y'all. Let's get started.

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Hey, there, it's Trish Blackwell, and you're listening to the confidence Podcast, episode 561. And today's episode, we're gonna get into self kindness, but not in a soft fluffy way. Bear with me. We're gonna talk about how to forgive yourself and love the past year. Why? Because self forgiveness is the start of freedom. If you're hard on yourself, or you tend to beat yourself up for past mistakes or unhealthy habits, this episode is for you. When you learn how to nurture a narrative of grace and compassion, compassion and possibility will open you to a powerful growth mindset. And it's going to free you from the prison of a fixed and perfectionistic mindset.

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This episode is going to help you come to terms with your past self. And even Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put this out there. Even find gratitude and appreciation for the mistakes, the struggles and the values you've walked through even those that were self inflicted. Because when you can do that, when you can learn to forgive yourself and love the past you the one that made some maybe decisions that could have been better the one that was stuck in self sabotage, the one that you wish didn't exist in your story. That version of you needed to be part of your story, that person is the stepping stone, and provided you lessons and insight that you needed for the story you're living now to be able to be the person that you are now. So we're going to come to terms and build a friendship with that version of ourselves. So that you can walk forward without shame, and absolutely free from fearing that you're going to fall back into being that old person I think that holds so many people back.

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But we're going to learn how to step free today. So in this episode of The confidence podcast, we're talking about the process of self forgiveness, and letting go of being hard on yourself. I'm going to coach you on how to love the past you even the painful poor decision making you whether you're beating yourself up for choosing the wrong school choosing the wrong man choosing the wrong habits. I struggled for decades in choosing the wrong self sabotage just of choosing self sabotage and then cycling in and out and in this perfectionistic all or nothing pendulum.

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And I had to learn to forgive that and how to let go and let it be part of your story. Not just with acceptance, but with openness about it that is free from shame and absolutely swimming in gratitude. And before we continue the coaching, I want to shout out to our review of the week it is from Emily Rosano. 34 She says, A must listen five stars. Trish provides insightful advice every week to help you grow in confidence and self esteem. I look forward to every new episode and re listen to old episodes when I feel like I need to refresh on some concepts. This podcast reminds me that I'm not alone in my perfectionism and struggles with self love. And as a fellow Christian woman, I love that Trish ties in her faith. Thank you for all that you do. Trish, I can't express how much this podcast has helped me grow. Emily, I can't express how grateful I am. That you took a minute out of your day to write that review. It really helps us reach more people. And in my heart of hearts. My greatest desire is to serve more women across the world. I want to help women unlock the hidden treasures that God has put inside of them. And the reason we we don't unlock them is because we overthink we miss me hinge our time where we're struggling and sifting through self doubt and not stepping into our fullest capacity. And here's what I know. The world needs us to be alive. And I'm going to share with you just oh my gosh, this this hit me up in the middle of the night as a mama. The world needs

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good people doing good things the world needs you to be the most confident, courageous, vibrant version of yourself. Yes to do these big things but also to be a leader in human

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Unity. And I'm going to tell you just a very brief story because I think there's a lot of takeaways from it. This is not at all related to today's topic. But this is just to tell you why I'm so passionate about the concept of competence. And I'm so proud of you for being somebody who's committed just to strengthening the skill and training your skill of confidence in mastering your mindset. So yesterday, which was a Friday, we were at a pool party at our gym pool, and there was a band playing and it was that perfect time of night. 6pm My friends were in the band, my, my, my daughter, and my and her good friend, were playing in the pool. I was catching up on some reading was just like, perfect, right. And I'm listening to the music. And we're kind of dancing on the pool deck. And my son Baker is up on the water slides. And he I haven't seen him at about a half hour, and he yells up and he yells out with delight. Hey, Mama, and like waves really big. And he's just turned six. And he's got a super cute Mohawk. And he is a mama's boy, he just is so joyful, and so goofy, and so sweet. And so I was, I didn't think anything of it, I just waved back and was excited. And

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then he came down at the slide swam over to me, and

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didn't, didn't cry, but held back his tears. And he said, the boys behind them in line made fun of him. I said, Excuse me. He said, They teased me for yelling out and waving to you. And apparently the lifeguard had said, Hey, leave me alone. He's a little kid. And then bigger was also offended by that, because the last thing he wants to be is to be a little kid. And I of course, loved on him. We talked about it. We talked about about the value of kindness in this world, and how how to how remembering what hurtful words make us feel means that we have to double down on how kind and loving we are to everyone how we stand up for others how to how to how to be that leader that social leader might take away was my gosh,

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is there? Is there a need in the world for competence? Is there a need for you to go home because at the core, we're all that little six year old afraid that someone's making fun of us afraid that someone is teasing us afraid that somebody's going to say something negative about us. And you know what I saw it Do I saw it steal his joy. It zapped him from this really wild, waving joyful little boy to this shell of a person who was ashamed and felt so humiliated that somebody had teased him or said something. And so when we knew the confidence to go, people who are going to take the time to say something unkind have no merit in my life, their words bounce off of me to have the competence and the mental fortitude to go, they don't matter, I will love them, I will be kind to them. And their words are blank, right to really to activate what it looks like to not care what somebody thinks. And then on the flip side, like so I'm so I want like, obviously, as a mom, I'm equipping my children in these scenarios. I want to equip you as an adult, we encounter these all the time, we feel this way when people don't like our posts enough on Instagram, which is all just arbitrary, to be honest.

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We also feel the other side is too is that the kids who are going to take the time, and we've all known them. And maybe you've been one at some point in our life, we've all participated in conversations that we should not have, even if it was just by standing there and listening, you are participating. It's the kid who's going to teach the adult who's going to make a hater comment as a keyboard warrior behind a post. And the people you're afraid of thinking less of they pick it other people because of their own insecurities. And so the need for competence goes so far both on the on the receiving end, the person will in Baker's position who's getting teased a little to go. Go ahead tease me I love my mom. Go ahead, See if I care, right? And then also, why would those boys feel the need to even say something? If they were confident in themselves, there's such a need. Bottom line, be a good human, have one another? Stand up for those

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who don't know how to use their voice yet.

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And if you aren't somebody who knows how to use your voice at start practicing and using your voice, it matters, you matter.

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And all of the pain and the painful things people have said in your past. It's time to let them go. Those people hurt people hurt people. That's the reality. It's not about you. It was about them. That is a ramble. That is me still. I mean from 3am to 4am. I was thinking about this. And let's talk about the topic at hand the process of self forgiveness. And if you listened to last week's episode at the end of the episode, we had a listener request. Here's what they had said the request was how to let go and love yourself after things you regret and can't change. This person said that they had an eating disorder bulimia and was suicidal at one point and severely

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depressed, there was a lot of shame that I'm having trouble moving past and it's been years. So let's talk about that. Now whether it's your shame over some mental illness, your shame over it self inflicted patterns, whether they was mental illness or you were leaning into patterns of overdrinking of using of using recreational drugs, of eating disorders of obsessive exercise of perfectionism, of being really, really hard on yourself, if you were suicidal, I having suicidal ideation, whatever it is about your past, maybe it was you chose the wrong relationships, and you kept being with people who mistreated you and belittled you and stole your voice and your worth, until you couldn't anymore because you were afraid of being alone, and you wish that you hadn't been afraid to be alone. Right, or maybe it was you got pregnant, and had the shame of a community that didn't support you, and you were young. And now you're you're confident where you are, but thinking what my life would have been if I had made these different choices. So whatever that is, I want you to know, every choice you've made, everything you've been through, whether it was things that you chose, or things that have have been part of your story of life, that there is power that comes from them, that there is a message that can come from that mess, that your strength is coming up and arising from the struggle, that that though it might not have been God's intent for those things to be happened to you. Or for you to make those decisions. God always uses everything in our life for good when we submit it to him. When we say, God, take this and make it good. Show me where I can grow through this instead of just go through it.

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So let me tell you why. I, for me, I I wanted to, to spend some time on this because I know this process of self forgiveness. I spent a decade being ashamed of my past self, I liked myself up to a certain point. And then there was a certain point about a decade that I didn't because I kept making the same bad decision over and over and over. I kept under eating for days, and then binge eating and then punishing myself with a 12 mile run promising myself I would be better and get better, right? And why can I just pull it together. And then I have a lot of shame about choosing the relationship that led to a crazy amount of abuse.

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And had shame about how did I get myself in a place where I got attacked by a stranger and sexually assaulted and a miracle my life. And so wherever you are in the narrative, I think it's really important to consider that this is a chapter that that was a chapter and maybe you're still in the chapter, but the chapter is closing, we're going to declare today that the chapter is closing. And for me the exit from the shame was the decision to find gratitude in it. And the gratitude takeaways I started with were simple. And so I invite you into that in the self forgiveness process. I was grateful. Even though my mind was,

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oh, just an awful place to live. It felt like a prison. All I did was think about food and calories and numbers and what people were thinking about me all day long. And then I would beat myself up for being so self focused and so self centered when I really wanted to be someone who was loving and other focused and doing good in the world. But I was so consumed with my own struggle that I didn't have the emotional capacity to go out. And here's what we decide, we first and foremost decide God is going to use this for my good. God is going to take this pain and turn it into purpose. And I decided that that with gratitude. The purpose would be that if I was going to serve others and if I could truly be healed from this been freed from the prison that was keeping me stuck my prison of bad decisions, my prison of mental illness, my prison of of insecurity, that I could help others. Because if I could be free then my gosh, anyone could because my life felt that dark on the outside guys always been the All American looks like she's got her life together, like achieving all kinds of things girl inside. It was a whole nother story.

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But

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I found gratitude that this was an opportunity to stretch my faith and to believe in miracles and to believe in change. And I felt gratitude and the opportunity

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to understand what deeper pain felt like

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to be able to have the gift of empathy to truly understand what it is to struggle with food to truly understand what it feels like to be afraid to walk by a mirror to understand what it felt like to be afraid to

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Let a man touch my shoulder again, touch me again.

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And so to understand to have had the I would at this point, call it a 100. Please be please know I'm being careful with this word. Because it's been a decade and a half of healing. Now I look at it as a privilege to go through this pain, I can serve others at such a deeper level. But of course that was not immediate that I got to that I first said, I will give thanks, I will give thanks because I know I'm not stuck here. I will give thanks because I know that my past self was doing the best she could with the with the tools that she had at the moment. You see, I can beat myself up all they want for the bad mental decision that bad decisions I was making the bad habits I was in. But I also didn't have the same tools then as I do now.

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And so when I have compassion for that version of Trish, and I want you to think about the past you the one that you're struggling to forgive,

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whether it's you're struggling to forgive, because you were you were depressed. When you were bilim ik you made the wrong relationship choices. You got addicted to opioids, opioids, whatever it is.

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Find a way to say

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she actually was doing her best. It makes sense. I we talked about a process in the College of competence of normal lies that it happened. And it doesn't mean make it like oh, it's no big deal. Not Not at all. Oh, it makes sense.

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That that I struggled with that. Giving the background, given the circumstances, given the way I was thinking I understand. And when you say oh, and think about talking to that inner you that little version of you that six year old, you owe a little Trish like they've girl, I get it.

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And when you can get to a place where you have compassion for yourself, you can forgive yourself for the things that you are struggling to forgive.

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And so so let me walk you through the process of self forgiveness, you have to acknowledge that it's needed. So that's the first start. It's, it's I have to learn to forgive myself. You see, I was really good at forgiving others. And I would very off handedly go oh, I just don't really forgive myself. Well, okay, contradictory of you're going to be a person who forgives, you forgive.

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And it was always hard for me because I knew that I accepted the grace and the forgiveness of God. And yet, who I was in somehow in my mind, I was like, but I'm not going to forgive myself. Okay, do the math there that doesn't add up. And so my prayer became, Lord, show me how to forgive myself, I believe that you forgiven me for these for these, these, these areas of my life, and I see your hand in helping me heal and be free from these. But I can't forgive myself. But how, who am I to not forgive myself when I am forgiven when I walk in grace. And so I also need, we can have compassion on ourselves to realize if you've been a person who's never learned how to express grace to yourself, it makes sense that you would have a hard time learning how to do this naturally. It's okay that it takes some work is what I was saying. And so when we have to acknowledge that self forgiveness is needed. Secondly, we want to release the dialogue. And that cop out sentence will just hurt myself, y'all. I set it for decades. And I was miserable. And now I don't allow myself to say it.

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Now, when my brain Oh, my brain offers it to me all the time. But when my brain offers it to me, I'm like, Girl, we've outgrown that thought that is not true.

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And when you're thinking about a particular area of your life that you want to forgive a chapter, let's begin let's call it a chapter. And by the way, let's sidebar this.

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Do you know what makes a great story?

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Or what makes a great movie?

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A hero's struggle.

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Your story of your life would be massively boring.

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If you didn't have to overcome something.

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And even just considering that your past whatever you're struggling to forgive yourself, what if that's just part of the story that makes the bigger larger story of what God is doing in your life all the more magnificent, all the more amazing, all the more. Have an amazing story as my mentor Todd Durkin says, live a life worth telling a story about well, in order to do that one, we have to take proactive intentional action about creating our future and stepping into our 2.0 selves. But we also have to acknowledge what we've gone through to get us to where we are, that makes for a heck of a story.

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So in this chapter, where you are, I want you to identify

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the primary motion you

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feel maybe it's shame, maybe it's regret. And just simply ask yourself, Do I want to keep this emotion?

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When I think about my eating disorder past, I had a lot of shame

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over it

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s shame and self consciousness, interestingly enough, and I have to simply ask myself, do I want to keep that emotion.

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And if you don't want to keep that as the emotion that you attached to that, that story, that chapter of your life, change the emotion, decide on the emotion you want. So now when I think about my eating disorder,

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the emotion that I lock in on

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is relief.

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It's gratitude.

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It's compassion, it's sensitivity.

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It actually fires me up because I go, Ah, I felt so alone.

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So it the emotion when I think about that part of my story, it drives me more to reach more people today. So that, you know, you're not the only one who struggles and that you don't have to stay there forever. I felt, I remember thinking I would be stuck forever. If you've ever had that thought, I need you to talk back to it. I need you to fight it, I need you to stand and refuse to settle, you are not stuck, you will not be stuck. And you choose the emotion that you want to be victorious, to take action to keep believing. So decide what emotion you want. And remember as we teach in the here in the College of confidence, and on this podcast, the tea cycle, which is your tea a like you're drinking tea, your thoughts, create your emotions, your emotions, create your actions. So you can start once you just decide what emotion you want to have about that pain point of your life. Start creating thoughts around that that create that emotion.

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And then tell yourself a compassionate story. You can create healing and growth base to take away simply in starting to say I'm choosing different good for myself. I'm choosing kindness here. What would kindness look like? When I think about this past self?

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is we have to identify who is that past you identify your current story? And then the old you that's why I do the work with my students really identifying who was the 1.0 you who was the old you? And who is the new you? And then how does it make sense we want to generate that compassion of who talked about and how does it make sense that you struggled? And how is it okay now? Or how is it getting better now? Or how does it look like it's going to get better now? And how was what you went through something that you didn't just go through but that you had the opportunity to grow through

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I also want you to ask yourself in what ways can I think my past self

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I can take my past self for learning how to be brave learning how to leave somebody who was psychologically and emotionally abusing me

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I'm really proud of that.

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I'm really proud of her for being brave

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I had to move across the country

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I had a lot of reasons not to

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to be brave. I can also think my past self the one the eating disorder self for saying I will keep fighting I will refuse for this to be my life forever.

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And then it continued for more years and I still kept saying nope I will This is not going to be my story this is not going to be the end of the story. So I'm thankful for Trish even though Trish struggled longer than she needed to

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I'm thankful for her resilience and I can look at that past me and go damn girl ought you have trained me to be able to do anything now? And then also how is that past you still deeply lovable?

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deeply, deeply lovable?

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And I have a couple of phrases that for for statements I think it's four here yeah four that

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are really were helpful and healing to me. And I offer them to you and if you want to go back and review them they're in our show notes on my website you can find that at Trish blackwell.com Ford slash 561. And then they are these

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and your speed speaking to your past self. And if you if you do this work, how would even write these out and I would write your first name, first name, comma, and then the statement.

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I forgive you for not knowing how to handle pain

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I forgive you for not having the skills of emotional management or thought work

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I forgive you for hurting yourself. It made sense at the time

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I forgive you for beating yourself up.

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And I proclaim that you've outgrown it now.

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Because for me, it really boils down to I just didn't know how to feel. I was very afraid, and I wasn't taught the skills and chances are, you might have been fall into that category as well.

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And so when when you've done the start of self forgiveness, the next step is to say, what do I want to do now?

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Identify what you wish you had known during, then so to speak, that met whether then is still the present, or whether it was five years ago, and then double down and intentionally create the present and future that you want for yourself. For me, this fire this is what fires me up in my core in my soul. And so like when I did this work, people, my friends were like, Trish, like you are just a little on fire for life. Like,

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you don't have to do all the things. And I I honestly feel like I, if you asked me, What do I regret about the seasons of my life that I'm referring to?

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I regret that I only feel like I have lived.

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Now I had, again, super accomplished, great friendships, great relationships. But as far as it's my personality, and my capacity and my joy and my ability to do good things in this world, half, half capacity. And I don't say that with shame. I see that as opportunity and fuel in my fire to say all the more reason that I sometimes well, it's a Saturday afternoon and I'm recording this because I'm fired up on life, I have so much living and giving to make up for for the decade that I didn't the decade that I was stuck in myself the decade that I was mentally sick the decade where I was, I was feeling down and rock bottom. I don't say because I used to go, I should have figured that out. I shouldn't have struggled for a decade. But maybe I should have it doesn't matter whether it should have or shouldn't have. I'm going to stop needing to resist why and the length of the story and accept the story

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and say, What do I regret? And what am I going to do about it?

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And I tell you is the best fuel it gives me such such deep fulfillment. So how do we let go and and get into a place of acceptance, close the chapter, whether it's a chapter where you are currently struggling and you say, Change starts now. Or it's a chapter of your life from a few years ago. And then we need to close the chapter mentally. And even you do this simply by writing it out by meeting with a counselor by getting a coach.

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And remember this all stories need those pain points, your hero story, and you have to decide that ultimately it was for your good except your story. And remind remember that by accepting your story, you will help others with theirs.

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And then finally decide here's where the power comes back in.

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This is why it's not all fluff today, you get to decide what your future story is. That is up to you. That is where the power is. That to me is what is exhilarating and exciting. You can say I've made these mistakes checked the box here now I know better now I'm going to do better. Or now I'm passionate to go help people who are in scenarios and situations like me that I might have looked past or judged not been able to understand and empathize and have compassion to walk alongside them. Because there's 8 billion people in the world

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and they're all hurting in some way. You are needed you are needed to advocate to assert yourself to be a leader to be an example of what is possible to walk alongside people and help them forward as you've moved forward to

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so I hope that encourages you. If you are encouraged Please share the show with a friend please read a review that we are we have big goals at these the second half of the year to really really reach more people with our podcasts listenership and I can't do it it I actually 100% have to rely on you. I rely on you just pressing that little Ford button on your podcast listening app and sending an episode to a friend and just going hey, this episode I just I really enjoyed it got a couple of good takeaways thought you might too. If you did that it would mean the world to me. Heads up. This is a little bit of a pre emptive announcement but for my my folks who are early birds and look the early bird gets the worm we all know that. We have an upcoming we haven't done one of these and I think nine months

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My My typically sold out week long challenges is coming up and we are doing five days of live coaching. Starting Oh, I think it's gonna be September 8, the dates off my have not written down in front of me. But that one of that first week of September, if you're in the United States, it's gonna be right after Labor Day, or maybe we might be starting on Labor Day.

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And it is five days, five hours, massive workshop, live coaching, bonus material, self doubt, detox,

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it's going to be amazing, you're gonna get your spot, reserve it now get the to be one of the first make sure we are gonna have to cap it. Make sure you get a spot. Hey, if you're already a college a confidence member, you don't need to reserve a spot. You don't need to pay anything. It is part of a bonus material we're supplementing and adding to the college a competence coaching material for the month. So college accommodates members don't worry about if you're not in the COC. This is the most amazing and affordable way to to get coaching. It's $27 For the week, five hours plus of coaching. And we are literally going to detox self doubt you will

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know never not know what to do with their self doubt again.

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Get Started, save your spot. Trish blackwell.com forward slash Detox our listener that episode is Reina Lindsey, she says this oh my gosh, you are amazing. I've listened to Joyce Meyer for years. And lately, I felt like God is leading me to something bigger. And there you were, I feel like your podcasts and college your confidence is going to be life changing for me. I'm gonna purchase it on payday. And girl, I already told you this. But I can't wait. I've always wanted to be a life coach, speaker and eventually write a book. I've been through so much mental and physical trauma from childhood and I want to help women get through all the things I've had to endure. Where can I start and girl you already know where to start listening to this show, journaling and joining the CLC.

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And I think it's really, really interesting that

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you are already you are already seeing the need for you to help others walk through what you've been through.

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That's how we change the world. Right there.

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We've got to have the confidence and the courage to step into our calling. And you will positively make ripples of waves of influence and healing in the lives of others. And guys, that's what I that's why I do what I do. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of the work you guys are doing in the world. I'll see you as all in the COC. And if if not sooner, I'll see you on the podcast. Go out there today. Go be more who God created you to be. Be you.

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Be free.

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If you loved today's episode of the confidence podcast, I invite you to check out the College of Confidence at www.collegeofconfidence.com. The COC is where your next step is. In the COC we cultivate confidence create courage and spark change. It takes everything we do here on the podcast to the next level and our members get crazy life changing results. I'm so confident that you will find that the COC is the most encouraging place on the internet, and that it will so wildly exceed your expectations that it comes with a money back guarantee. Hey, joining is completely risk free you owe it to your future self to take your growth to the next level by coaching with me in the COC. Join me today at www.collegeofconfidence.com