COMPARE & DESPAIR CYCLE
In this episode, we tackle the topic of “compare and despair” and the negative impact that comparing ourselves to others can have on our mental health and well-being. We delve into the reasons why we engage in this behavior and provide practical strategies for breaking the cycle and cultivating a more positive and self-compassionate mindset. You’ll get actionable tips for overcoming the urge to compare yourself to others and finding greater contentment in your own life. Get the full show notes at www.trishblackwell.com/545
In this episode of The Confidence Podcast, we’re covering:
- 10 ways to break the habit of comparing yourself to others
- My top 4 ways to actionably attack comparison when it pops up in your life
- Some power thoughts to help you exit the tornado of Compare & Despair
REVIEW OF THE WEEK:
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You are the first to hear about it.
This is what you’ve been waiting for – those of you who have asked me about certifications, about having a successful coaching business, about how to teach my propriety coaching methodology to others, how to have confidence as your grow your business and how to work for me in my coaching work.
The first 10 people to commit to this cohort will get 50% off certification.
We won’t ever discount certification in the future.
Be part of the first cohort, and get every update that’s included in the future.
This is a 6-month, intimate training and mentorship program.
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QUOTES ON COMPARISON
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt
“Comparison is the death of joy.” – Mark Twain
“Don’t compare your chapter one to someone else’s chapter twenty.” – Unknown
“Comparison is the enemy of creativity.” – Unknown
“Comparison is the root of all feelings of inferiority.” – Alfred Adler
“Comparison is the death of authenticity.” – Unknown
“The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.” – Unknown
“Comparison is an act of violence against the self.” – Iyanla Vanzant
“Comparison is the thief of dreams.” – Unknown
“Comparison is the cancer of happiness.” – Unknown
COMPARE AND DESPAIR
“Compare and despair” is a saying that refers to the negative impact that constant comparison can have on our mental health and wellbeing. It means that when we compare ourselves to others, we often end up feeling inferior, inadequate, or even hopeless, leading to a sense of despair.
This comparison can happen in various areas of life, including career, appearance, relationships, and social status. It can happen both in real life and on social media, where people often showcase their “highlight reels” rather than their everyday lives.
The problem with constant comparison is that it’s never fair or accurate. We’re comparing our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel, or worse, a carefully curated and filtered version of themselves they’re presenting online. This skewed comparison can lead to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and unworthiness, which can, in turn, have a negative impact on our mental health and wellbeing.
Moreover, constant comparison can also lead to a lack of self-confidence, and it can make us doubt our abilities and our worth as a person. We might end up feeling stuck in a negative thought pattern and unable to appreciate our own unique qualities and strengths.
In summary, the “compare and despair” mindset is toxic to our mental health and wellbeing because it leads to negative self-talk, lack of self-confidence, and feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. It’s important to remember that our journey is unique, and we should focus on our own progress and growth rather than constantly comparing ourselves to others.
HOW TO BREAK THE COMPARISON CYCLE
- Stay in your own life.
- Create a life you love.
- Reduce comparison traps.
- Be enthusiastically grateful
- Cheer yourself on.
- Reframe negative self-talk
- Cultivate supportive relationships.
- Practice self-compassion
- Learn to value yourself.
- Focus on your strengths – and your growth.
ACTIONABLE WAYS TO CATCH COMPARISON
Call yourself out on it.
-Question what you see.
-Decide how you want to interpret it.
-Develop the skill of better internal stories.
-Take ownership of your responsibility to guard and direct your mind.
Put bumpers on your mind.
-Unfollow certain people on your socials.
-Reduce inputs in your life that stir up negative comparison
-Clean out and investigate your thoughts
Intentionally become a cheerleader
-For yourself – learn to cheer yourself on so you feel good about where you are
-Cheer the heck out of others, it will boomerang back to you
-Tap into the abundance of opportunities by expanding how you think
Double Down on Gratitude
-Be obsessed with being grateful for where you are
-Increase your gratitude practice
-Fall in love with your own life so much so that you don’t want anyone else’s
-Spend your time doing good things in your lane of life
Thoughts to Help You Make All Comparison Positive:
This is a reminder that I have some exciting room for growth.
If they can do it, I can do it.
People like me do things like that.
Everything I want is within my reach.
I am on my way.
This person inspires me.
Success leaves clues and I’m grateful for these.
OTHER EPISODES ON COMPARISON
#471: Comparison is Killing Your Confidence and Happiness
#128: Overcoming Comparison
LISTENER OF THE EPISODE:
I just wanted to say thank you from Australia! I started listening to your podcast the last couple of months and have never heard words that so deeply resonated with my spirit. You speak to my soul every time, and i feel immediately enlightened by your wisdom .
As someone who is finding themselves again, and learning to love freely and accept myself wholeheartedly, you couldn’t have come at a better time. You are a reflection of God’s light in the world and I’m so blessed that He has inspired your mission to reach so many people. You’re helping me realize that I am seen and I can make a difference simply by living through love everyday. Thank you !!
You're listening to the confidence podcast, your favorite coaching podcast oozing with motivation, inspiration, and confidence to help you boldly take action on your dreams. On your host, Trish Blackwell, internationally recognized Confidence Coach, Best Selling Author and founder of the College of Confidence, the most encouraging place on the internet. I teach go getters in life, how to take your thoughts captive, how to step out of the shadows of self doubt, and how to courageously step into their purpose. With competence. It's time to pump our competence muscles, and train our thoughts, y'all. Let's get started. Hey, there, it's Trish Blackwell, and you're listening to the confidence podcast. This is episode 545. We're talking today about the Compare and despair cycle, we're gonna dive into finding a way so that comparison doesn't steal your joy, that you're not giving away your potential because you're so distracted, comparing yourself to other people. In this episode, I'm going to talk tackle this, this concept of what actually happens that puts us into the Compare and despair cycle, the negative impact that comparing ourselves to others can have on our mental health and our well being and we're going to delve into the reasons why we engage in this behavior. And then more importantly than all of that, I'm going to give you some practical strategies to break the cycle and to cultivate a more positive and self compassionate mindset. Buckle up. We're gonna be covering some good stuff. If you are new to the competence podcast. My name is Trish. I help women who are well, high achievers are wired for success. Anybody who has dreams and who is a doer, who wants to create an epic like wants to live out their God given purpose. Stop putting so much pressure on themselves. Learn how to stop self sabotaging, stop overthinking, stop, stop comparing, stop self doubting and start thriving or together here we learn how to lose confidence, create unwavering belief in your wildest dreams, and then your God given capacity, all while having more fun, living with more joy and more peace and creating more impact in the world than you ever have before. So welcome to the show if you're new. And if you are a returning listener a huge shout out to you. I'm so glad you're here with me. Also, if you've written a review recently, you get all the hearts you get all the extra things and let's let's leave us to our review of the week. This is from Amy she actually wrote it in March. I gotta tell you guys, we we didn't get a lot of new reviews in April. So if you've been thinking about it, it's a good time to flood the podcast algorithms with some reviews help us share the show with more people and reach more people. Amy B MB says this my favorite podcast. I've listened to churches podcast since 2018. I could never get tired of growing from her messages. I love the self growth podcasts. But often they are powered by making yourself your own God. And it automatically turns me off because I'm careful about the spiritual messages that I let into my life. I just love that Trish can combine her faith and God with self confidence. I admire how she shows up every week 100% for her listeners. Thank you Trish. Thank you, Amy. I love hearing that feedback. And I am I'm here 100% For you. I just had a double shot of espresso. Y'all I'm ready. Ready to dive in. In this week's episode of The confidence podcast, I'm going to giving you 10 ways to break the habit of comparing yourself to others. I'm going to give you my top four ways to really actually attack comparison when it pops up in your life. Because it's it's one thing to talk about conceptual concepts, it's a whole nother thing to say here's how we take action on it. If you've been listening to my show for a long time, you know a lot of what I do is based on on cognitive behavioral therapy on changing and rewrite rewiring your brain and your inner narrative. But also go back all the way to my old episodes we are we talk about action a lot to take massive action start being somebody who's a massive action taker, it changes everything. So I'm gonna give you some actions you can do. And we're gonna close the episode today with some power thoughts to help you exit that tornado that's scooped you up and spit you out. That is compare and despair. And before we go into it, I have two exciting announcements. One, I feel very vulnerable telling you about okay, because it's not really official yet. But I am launching a new podcast. Now. This is only going to be relevant to some of the and that's why and I also I am I want you to see that I'm leading by example. You hear me? You hear me preach about stretch. your comfort zone and really falling what you what God stirs in your heart and, and being brave and feeling courageous. And choosing to step into courage even when you don't feel quite ready even when you can be self critical and doing it anyways going in forging a path going in and doing these new things. So right What am I doing? I'm launching a podcast in French. Many of you know I am fluent in French. Of course, though, there's always some self doubt some second guessing about my accent and what you know, there's all these reasons that I've thought about this podcast and I haven't started it. And I just want you to know I'm, I want to lead by example, I am doing things that make me feel uncomfortable, because that is how I grow. And I want to serve more people, I want to reach more people with the tools that I teach. And I am not that American that just thinks everybody should talk is good, should speak talk in English, should speak the English language. There are a lot of people who do but there's a lot of people who don't. So if you are a French speaker, get excited. Or if you know a French speaker, please get excited. We will be sharing on socials in the next couple of weeks when we launch it. Like podcast is going to be called SLA Domini, which means assured and determined, and we're going to be we're gonna be teaching a lot of the same principles on that podcast that I teach here, just unforeseen. So that's exciting. And I'm very nervous and excited, and all the things and that is what it feels like when you step outside of your comfort zone guys. And the second announcement is another new thing I'm doing. Not a lot of people have heard about this. So you're gonna be the first to hear. I'm officially launching my own coaching certification, as so many of you over the past couple years have reached out about how to get certified as a competence Coach, how to become a master confidence Coach, how to teach some of my tools, how to have access to some of my intellectual property, so you can teach it on your own and build your own coaching practice or have your own influence with it. So it is officially open. The waiting list from a certification program is officially open. You are the first to hear about it. And this is what you've been waiting for those who ask me about having a successful coaching business, how to teach my propriety coaching methodology to others, how to have confidence as you grow your business. And also for those of you who have said hey, can I ever be a coach for you? Right, I have an entire online University College of confidence and we are growing and we are going to be incorporating more instructors as we continue to grow, I will still always be the the court instructor, the core professor, so to speak. But if you ever want to work for me in the future, this would be I will be hiring people from within this certification. So to be part of the first cohort and get every update that's included in my coaching methodology in the future, go to confidence coaching certification.com, that's confidence coaching certification.com. It's a six month intimate training and mentorship program, I'm going to be live with you, every week, we're gonna be coaching, you check out the website, you're gonna get it all. It's not just teaching coaching principles and competence principles, and how to teach these tools, but also how to have confidence in sales you it doesn't matter if you can you have mastered all these tools to be able to help people. But if you can't sell yourself, if you can't put it into your own unique coaching methodology and sell that with competence, you won't have clients. So we're gonna be talking about it all I will, it's a month on each major topic needed to be successful in your own coaching business. And if you want to add this to a current coaching business, we start in August, but you can save your spot today and the first 10 people to commit to this go heart cohort are going to get 50% off certification. And I want to say this right now, we won't ever discount certification in the future. So if you've gotten excited listening, you need to run you need to run your fingers right over to confidence coaching certification.com. Okay, let's Dallin let's coach, let's coach. Comparison is the thief of joy. You've heard that classic quote from Teddy Roosevelt. And you know, Mark Twain has a similar quote, he calls it comparisons the death of joy. And the reality is we it's human, I want you to to know that it's human to compare.
But it's toxic to indulge in comparison. I am not alarm that your brain is going to compare. And there's comparing up and there's comparing down. I have entire podcast on that. In fact, I'll mention this now if you really want to master this topic. We have two archived episodes that are not really archived, they're still available, but some old school Episodes Episode 128 Overcoming comparison is a great classic episode, and episode 471 comparison is killing your confidence and happiness is a great episode. We'll link that in the show notes. You can get the show notes at Trish blackwell.com/ 545 So that's episode 128 and episode had for 71. But I want it it was time to come back and go back into and really explain the cycle in the coaching world we have this terminology of compare and despair, just meaning that when you compare, we immediately go into despair that when you do one comes the other. There is a great quote by Alfred Adler that said comparison is the root of all feelings of inferiority. Ilana events that said comparison is an act of violence against the self. And there's an unknown, quote, anonymous quote that says, comparison is the cancer of happiness. And if you think about the measures to which we are on guard, about any hostage net genetic influences in our life, if we are aware that this could cause cancer, physical cancer, we avoid it, we are aware of it, we're mindful of it, we are on guard, right? This this horrible, horrible illness. And yet, we aren't as mindful about what's happening on the inside of her brain. We sort of indulge we go, I guess, you know, this is just how it is I'm always going to compare myself to people and I'm always going to feel and but what I want you to take ownership of the fact that you are indulging in comparison, it's okay for your brain to have a thought that has comparing thought, what we need to do is go let that thought pass through. And I it's interesting, I was using this analogy with a client earlier and bear with me, I hope that you chuckle with this. I just want to normalize that the brain comes up with all kinds of stories. How many of you have ever been, you know, I don't know, maybe it's a long car ride. Maybe you're driving somewhere, and you're driving and you're a little bit bored, your brains just wandering, and you're driving or has a big bridge. And you think to yourself, and by the way, let's go with the context of this of this analogy. And you are not depressed, you are not suicidal, you have no suicidal ideation at this point. But as you're driving across Serena bridge, and you're listening to some your favorite pop song, your thought your brain also says, Oh, that's interesting over there, look at those cool rocks. And then also then very quickly says, I wonder what would happen if I just drove off the bridge? And if you don't have the intention to drive off the bridge, you don't have the? Or maybe you think I wonder what would happen if I accidentally rammed into another car? Like, would both cars go off the bridge? Would we would we flip and your brain kind of plays this imaginary thing. And I remember when I first had a thought like that when I was driving, I was like, oh, no, my brain is dark. And the more I learned about the brain, the brain is just a toddler throwing out random stories, random ideas, random narratives. And in the same way, you would just not entertain that thought if you've ever had a thought like this driving and you're like, alright, focus on the road. We're not doing any of that you really just quickly correct yourself and go, just keep driving. You're obviously a little too bored. The same goes for any random story about comparison, that just crosses your mind. She's prettier than me. He's fitter than me. She's skinnier than me, they're more successful me. Oh, they have a happier marriage than me says who? Maybe maybe not. It's you're literally just pulling out words and putting them together. And you have to say, am I gonna listen. And I and so when we get in, because when you when you initiate and you indulge in comparison, meaning when you indulgent, it's when you have a compelling thought. And then you lock in on it. And you I want you to think about your thought that comes into your brain. I want you to be like and let's say you're just walking through the woods, right and you got a backpack on and this train of thought comes to your brain. It's sort of like you're like, oh, I need to take my backpack off. And you sort of like, if you could personify the thought and take it out and put it on the ground. And you take your backpack out and you sit down on it and you're like, alright, let's camp out around this thought. That's what we do with stories we tell ourselves. You start thinking on it and you and your brains like yeah, you know what they are, they are ahead of me, and they're probably happier than me and they're probably not struggling like me, you know, I'm barely keeping them together and they seem to be having no problems like you start adding to and elaborating upon. And what happens is, the more you indulge in this new story, the more you camp out around that comparing thought, the more you set yourself up for despair. And so compare and despair is a saying that refers to this negative impact, that constant comparison can have on our negative or our mental health and well being. It means that when we compare ourselves to others, we often if not always end up feeling inferior, inadequate and even hopeless, which leads to a sense of despair. And when you have a sense of despair, you lose your motivation. You lose your vision, you lose, you lose your zest for life. And then that's when you go, why am I watching so much Netflix? Why did I accidentally drink an entire bottle of wine? Why am I not following through on what I want to do? Why am I procrastinating? A lot of times, guys, it's this. For those of you who want to start a business, you might be comparing and then you're like, well, they're already so pretty. And they're already so sex successful. And they already have this many followers. And they're already really comfortable on camera, like, what's the point? Or if you have a book on your heart, and you're like, but somebody's already writing books, and then you don't show up for what God's put on your heart to do. I want to remind you, there are billions of people in the world. And even a book that sells that's a international best sellers only selling millions of copies. We have billions of people who need to read books, billions of people who, who who don't yet know about the same resources that you know about to the people you're comparing yourself to and saying, Well, somebody's already doing it, there is no way that that that that person has enough influence to impact everyone else. I love playing this game in my mind of reminding myself of some of my heroes, who I'm like, everyone knows these people. And if I mentioned it casually, to even just to a friend that I have here like I would call it a real life friend, like so a mom that I see at soccer practice. And if I mentioned the book, they'd be like, who? Oh, yeah, never heard of that person. Meanwhile, I might have been derailed and compare and despair, about my about my impact. And my coaching is about well, this person. My point is, we distract ourselves. Despair distracts us from our purpose. And it makes us tick tow forward and sort of run forward on the things that we want to create with our lives. And this type of comparison can happen in various areas of life, including your, your career, your appearance, your relationships, your social status. And it can happen both in real life as we were talking about and on social media. I want to remind you that on social media, it's a highlight reel, everyone's showing the best part of their everyday life, not their actual, everyday life. And so the problem with constant comparison is that it's never fair or accurate. We're comparing our behind the scenes with someone else's highlight reel, or even worse, with a carefully curated and filtered version of them that they're presenting online. Because it's a skewed comparison. And it leads to, to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, unworthiness, which then impacts your own entire well being. And then here's where the long term effects start coming in. constant comparison leads to a lack of self confidence and it makes you doubt your abilities or worth as a person, you end up feeling stuck in this negative thought pattern. Unable to appreciate your own progress, your own unique gifts, your own strengths, you're so focused on what everyone else is doing that you're not in where you are. And, you know, I learned this lesson the hard way in, in swim in my swimming career, my my swim coaches, I can still remember distinctly in in high school, they called me Stevie Wonder, the Stevie Wonder of backstroke. And if you know Stevie Wonder's an artist, he would sway his head side to side because as with a music, you should, well in the sport of swimming, you're supposed to keep your head still. And I was swaying my head on backstroke, particularly side to side because I wasn't able to see the people in the lanes next to me enough out of my peripheral vision. So I would dip my head a little bit over to the side to try to see where the person next to me was. And if I was ahead of them. And that's all fine and well, except in the sport of swimming. If you do that, that creates drag, that slows you down. Also, the mental over obsession of knowing where someone else is in their own lane versus swimming your own race, also mentally slows you down, accelerate your heart rate and start to creates the cycle where you start over swimming.
And in the sport of swimming, where your head goes, your body follows. So even if your head is bobbing ever so slightly, we're talking millimeters right or left, your body is gonna go right or left, and we call that over swimming. And for those of you don't know the sport of swimming, if you look at a pool, you've probably familiar enough with a competition pool to know and the bottom of the pool is a black line. That black line is there for competition purposes, training purposes, you swim around the black line, like it's a highway right on the right, you get on the right side, when you come back, you go on the left that way 10 People can swim in the same lane, but when you're racing, you're on the black line so that you swim straight. And even if you are moving your head side to side ever so slightly. You are over swimming. So in a 25 yard race you might end up swimming 26 yards doesn't seem like a lot but when your competition is swimming one yard less because you've kind of swam a little bit tiny microscopically crooked, you're swimming a further distance. Same thing a 50 yard pool, 1550 meter pool. You might swim fit, you want that to two meters. If you're not keeping your head still, if you're not staying in your own lane. If you look in other people's lanes you over swim in yours, that would be. So my my coaches would say, alright, we want you to pretend you have horse blinders, you are not allowed to look in the other lanes. Now, in swim, you still have a slight peripheral vision, you could still see people, but the whole focus was keep your head still, Trish swim your own race. And when I did that, and I executed in the way that I was supposed to, I swam Well, when I started caring where other people were in comparison to me, I almost always got outta touch, which means like, at the end of the race, the person touches the wall right before me. And it's a life lesson, that I love the actual visualization, because it's a reminder that that is the same thing that's happening in our own lives, we're so and it's interesting to look at what other people are doing, I get it. But it distracts you from the ability to live your own life. So I want to encourage you stay in your own life. So let's go into the 10 ways to break the cycle, stay in your own life. Instead of stay in your own lane, stay in your own life. Number two, create a life that you will love. It's a lot easier to stop looking around. If you create a life that you absolutely love. You might look at at my life and say, Well, that's easy for you to say Trish because you're about to go to France for a month. And you just did this and you're like, okay, cool. But I still had to choose to create a life I loved. When the circumstances of my life were not what I loved contextually where you are right now where you're at, what can you do to create to love the life that you have more. Because when you love your life, life expands. When life expands, possibilities expand, and you keep scaling up scaling up scaling up, I want to challenge it be a person who's in love with your life. You get there from a place of gratitude from a place of reframing your perspective. And from intentionally living like asking yourself, How can I live better? How can I love the slowness of my life or this season of my life more. And if you're dating and single, I want to encourage you the best way to meet somebody who is extraordinary, who's like the man of your dreams is to be so in love with your life that somebody else wants to step into it. I think often in dating, we wait for somebody else to help create amazing life together. No, no. Be in love with your own life. And then that's probably when you're going to serendipitously meet the right person. So create a life you love and ask yourself what would that look like? What would be a life that I love right now in the next year? What would it look like? Right, so if you're currently trying to get out of debt, maybe the life you love within the next year doesn't include a trip around the world. But maybe 10 years from now it does. But right now what is what would be epic and beautiful, maybe it's more picnics. Maybe it's an hour screen free at the end of the day and you spend more time gardening or sitting on the deck reading a book like right there's ways to get more engaged in the life that you love. Number three, reduce your comparison traps. I need you to get curious about when do you get trapped into comparison. I can tell you for me when I'm tired when I haven't slept my normal eight hours. And when a couple things haven't gone according to plan. I start feeling a little sorry for myself. And then I will get a little jealous of somebody else. When I can feel jealousy and I and insecurity come up. I see that I'm caught in his in comparison trap. And we're gonna talk in just a moment about what did you when you catch that but for me, I realized you've probably heard me say this before me on social media after 9pm is no bueno linesets Deus doesn't is a comparison trap for me. I can very much tell myself I'm just shopping just wanted to look up I will get sucked into some crazy comparison. And I'm like I keep remind himself Trisha, live your own life. Right? So no, we know what your traps are. And then reduce them. Number four, be enthusiastically grateful, not just grateful, but be enthusiastically grateful. Into the practice of intentional gratitude changes everything we coach a lot on that in the college or competence. I have a lot of tools for you on that. But being enthusiastically grateful is so huge. And so the more you do that, the more you're going to love your life the more you're going to be remind yourself of hey, that's really cool what that person's doing and I'm really grateful for what's going on in my life. Number five cheer yourself on we get into comparison and then we go into despair because we don't think we're doing good enough and we think we need to be doing more and then we're continually noticing and highlighting what we're not doing and I need you to give space for gonna tell yourself and have some mental space for that you've got to have equal mental space for the fact that you're you're actually doing pretty good you're actually have a lot of things to be proud of yourself on that you you start learning how to have that self affirming voice we have scroll back we got some good episodes on self affirmation self validation. but learning how to cheer yourself on learning how to acknowledge little micro wins, changes everything. And so you can see somebody that might be quote unquote ahead of you on something that matters to you, or there's something that you're also working on. But if you're cheering yourself on, and you have a voice of self encouragement, you're not intimidated by where they are, you're just encouraged because they're an example of what's possible. They're reminding you yep, I actually am on my way to achieving the same thing. Number six, reframe negative talk, you've got to continue to reframe your negative talk over and over. And this is not a one and done. This is not I've done this for 10 years, and I shouldn't have to do it anymore. I have to reframe my negative self talk all the time. It's just a brain being a brain. The more you master that, the more proficient you will be at doing it, the more you freedom you're going to have from comparison, we have some worksheets and tools on how to do this, I have hours of coaching and workshops on exactly how to reframe negative self talk, that's all in the College of competence. So you can check that out at college a competence.com. Number seven, cultivating supportive relationships is huge, building community around you community of people who are positive. So so key, number eight learning self compassion. We often compare and despair, because we have self critical voice coming in saying you're not doing enough. I need you to start practicing self compassion and self kindness, so that that voice isn't so stirred. It's not so strict, it's not so self judging, because the self judgment, and the comparison leads you to defeat and defeat leads you to despair, and despair. And discouragement can keep you feeling really low about your life, even though on the on like in generally speaking, you know, your life is really good, you know, I have a lot going on going on. And yet you don't feel happy. So if you've ever felt massively like you're like, there's so much to be happy about. And yet I'm not happy. And then here's what happens, then we beat ourselves up for not liking your life, because Secondly, our life is really good. I've been there. Self compassionate voice, learning how to change the voice in your head is everything. Number nine, learn how to value yourself. What I mean by that is, is learning how to value yourself, your strengths, where you are, and your journey, not someone else's journey, not someone else's lane, your journey, your skills, your unique story. And value that, hey, I value myself and the growth I have along the way. My worthiness is not contingent on where I am in this timeline. If you think about it, for those of you, especially for those of you who are who are parents, but this will relate this analogy will make sense for anyone. I think about my daughter who's in second grade, I think she's, I think she's brilliant. And I think about my son who is going to start kindergarten next year, next year. So he's five, she's eight. She's going to be three years ahead of him in school. She is further along in her educational journey. She's further along in her life journey. She has a lot of great accomplishments. Baker hasn't really had those accomplishments yet.
He is right. He's, he's my he's my double black diamond, snowboard, dude, I mean, he's doing stuff. But if we look at this and go, I don't know at least further ahead. She has more value, what you would be like that doesn't make sense. She's just on a different stage of her journey. Baker's not behind beggars exactly where he needs to be. But he thinks to himself, and he compares himself to his sister, and says you're going to be you're like, you're in second grade. And I'm not even in kindergarten, what I'm never going to catch up. You'd be like, That's ridiculous. Yet, if you take that, we do that in life. We compare our chapter one to other people's chapter 20. And then think that we're behind guys, value yourself and where you're at. And then finally, number 10. Focus on your strengths and your growth, the celebration of being somebody who was progression, progressing, somebody who values progression, and improve yourself 1% Every day that that's enough, and that your strengths, instead of highlighting your weaknesses, really knowing your top strengths that you're most proud of, I would encourage you to highlight what you really love. I can often when I find myself in compare and despair, in particular with people in my field, and if I find my brain going to a place of comparison, and maybe I think someone has, I don't know a better online presence where they look fancier or their makeups better or they get more, I don't know, more media at an end, whatever it might be that my brain goes, Oh, I go you know what I know. I know they don't have like that. They have some strengths that I don't have or maybe they have some networking skills that I don't yet have. But I know what I do love about me is my sincere enthusiasm. I got some strength y'all. I have some enthusiasm and belief and ability to see things and people that I don't think a lot of other people have. That's my strain. And so when I find my brainstorming, compare myself to my, to other other professionals in my field, and I start feeling down and I go, I want to say I want to celebrate them, and also remind myself of, here's why I'm distinct. Here's what I'm going to focus on my strengths with gratitude. So let's talk about, once you identify that you're comparing, I want to give you four things that you can do. And then I'm going to close out with some thoughts to help make all comparison positive. How to reframe yourself here. Number one, you got to call yourself out on it, call your brain out, question what you see, and decide how you want to interpret it develop the skill of a better internal story. When you see somebody being successful, and you feel that tinge of jealousy, just say, Oh, my brain is comparing. Okay? So right now, the jealousy is, they have something I don't have. My current story I'm telling myself is that there's scarcity of success. But let me tell myself a better story. There's no scarcity of opportunity here. In fact, I'm just going to change the story. And I'm so thankful that this person has reminded me that I care about this. And if they can do it, I can do it. And I think whereas there's a call to ownership here, we have to take ownership of our responsibility to guard and direct our own minds. It's my responsibility to know how much input I can take how many how much time and social media, as also, you know, to be able to be on guard and have a positive mind and enjoy your life. It's also my job to direct my time to have a masterful nighttime routine to to be responsible for the amount of sleep I have, instead of acting like, it's I don't know how I don't get enough sleep. And so take responsibility for because when you sleep, your emotional regulation is so much easier to do. When you're asleep, your joy and your happiness is way more contagious than when you're walking through life exhausted. So this ownership and responsibility of all the things that are within your control. So when you call yourself out on comparison, we redirect your mind and ask ourselves, okay, what is in my control? And how can I be better with the things that are within my control? The second actionable thing you can do is to put bumpers on your mind, I want you to think about bowling alley in the bowling alley with young children. You put lumbers up so that ball doesn't go in the gutter. And so what are the bumpers in your life? What do you need to put bumpers on? Is it certain TV show? Is it certain people on social media that you need to unfollow? Is it social media at certain times? Is it certain magazines or news articles that you just start spiraling around and reducing the inputs in your life? We have to know and get curious about where can I reduce inputs that are stirring up negative comparison that are creating a cycle of thoughts that cascade down and make me question myself. And then, another way we put bumpers, on our mind is we clean out and investigate our thoughts how journaling, you had a client this week that said, the five minutes of journaling I do in the morning, and that I do at night, the way that you taught me, change my life. And it's a practice that's so simple. But it changes everything. It is how we clean out our brains. It is how we can investigate our thoughts with neutrality, and then choose better thoughts and purpose. It's how we rewire our inner voice. And if you want to learn how to journal, we just did an entire journal week in the college competence, the replays of that are all available when you as a course now, when you join the College of competence so you can get instant access that if you're like, Okay, Josh, like I've been thinking about doing journaling for years, and I just haven't done it then I need you to like stop thinking, start doing start taking action. It's not going to be perfect action, just take action. Third thing you can do is intentionally become a cheerleader. And I mean this in a couple of ways. We already mentioned this, cheer yourself on so for yourself, learn how to cheer yourself on, so that you feel good about where you're at. And you can do some of that too by, by by tracking your gratitudes by being thankful for where you are by noticing the things you're learning along the way. But also, conversely cheer the heck out of others. It's kind of boomerang right back to you. I told you I want to be the most enthusiastic person I know I you know as growing up in sports, I was always team captain. I was always leading chairs of all the different sports I was on because I love to cheer for people. I love to cheer for people. My one friend, a couple of men it's been over a decade ago but when she did her first Ironman, I flew to Texas and wore a she loves pigs and I wore a full on pig costume running around in Texas in 100 degree heat with a cowbell cheering until I was forced to cheer her on. I while I am that friend that is wow we are raised See my hands and waving my hands like a lunatic in the stands cheering you on. Because I want you to know that seriously that you can do it. And so the more you spread competence, the more you spread encouragement, the more you acknowledge and celebrate others, the more it's going to boomerang back to you. And it taps into the abundance of the opportunities by expanding how you think you'll remind yourself that there's more than enough of this to go around them succeeding doesn't take away from any opportunity for me to succeed. And then finally, double down on gratitude. That's our fourth actionable thing you can do, we've already mentioned this, but you've got to be obsessed, I want you to get obsessed with being grateful for where you are. And so whatever your current practice of gratitude looks like, I want you to increase it. And I want you to fall in love with your own life so much that you don't want anyone else's. I'm gonna say that again, fall in love with your own life so much. They don't want anyone elses. And spend your time doing good things in your own lane of life. And so let's talk about some very specific phrases, I think I have five or six here for you, that are going to help you when your brain is comparing to not make it like oh, no, I'm comparing I don't want you to judge yourself not to be self critical here, it just wants you to, to reframe it. And recenter your mind and redirect your focus. Here are a couple. When you when you see somebody and you're jealous of where they are, you can say to yourself, This is a reminder that I have some exciting room for growth.
You could also say, if they can do it, I can do it. Or people like me do things like that. I also like everything I want is within my reach.
Or I am on my way, I'm on my way to achieving that. I am on my way, everything is working. I even just sometimes can calm my brain by saying this person inspires me. I'm thankful for their example. And then also the final one that's really helped my brain is success leaves clues. And I'm grateful for these clues. Success leaves clues and I'm grateful for these that I have here. I like what that person did. That's interesting. Cool. Okay. What do I want to take from that and apply to my life. As I said the other episodes we have on comparison that's what we have for coaching today. The other episodes we have for comparison again are 471 and 128. I'll have those linked in the show notes which you can find the show notes at Trish blackwell.com forward slash 545 We're gonna close out with our listener of the episode is Sofia Bibi. She says this. I just wanted to thank you from Australia, I started listening to your podcast the last couple months and then never heard words that so deeply resonated with my spirit, Sophia, I'm going to cry. Oh, you speak to my soul every time and I feel immediately enlightened by your wisdom. As someone who's finding themselves again and learning to fully love freely and accept myself wholeheartedly. You couldn't have come at a better time you are a reflection of God's light in the world. I'm so blessed that he has inspired your mission to reach so many people. You're helping me realize that I am seen. And I can make a difference simply by living through love every day. Thank you. And I love that. Yes, let's close out with that. We need to remind ourselves that we by showing up as the alive version of ourselves as a live undistracted, encouraged, vibrant, loving version of ourselves that that's how we make a difference in the world. That impact has a domino effect. So stop thinking small about yourself. Stop distracting yourself and allowing yourself to indulge in that comparison that distracts you from the mission that you have to make a difference in this world. You are a world changer and a difference maker. Guys, I am really grateful for your time today. Thank you for hanging out with me. For those of you who are interested in well, becoming official confidence coach, go check out that certification. Again, it's confidence coaching certification.com And next week, we're talking about competence, immersion, and faking it till you make it do me a favor. Send this episode to a friend if you were encouraged by today's episode, share it on social media, write a review or send it to a friend. Guys go out there today to be more of who God created you to be. Be you. Be free.If you loved today's episode of the competence podcast, I invite you to check out the College of Confidence at www.collegeofconfidence.com. The COC is where your next step is. In the COC we cultivate confidence, create courage and spark change. It takes everything we do here on the podcast to the next level and our members get crazy life changing results. I'm so confident that you We'll find that the COC is the most encouraging place on the internet, and that it will so wildly exceed your expectations that it comes with a money back. Guarantee hate joining is completely risk free. You owe it to your future self to take your growth to the next level by coaching with me in the COC. Join me today at www.collegeofconfidence.com
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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