RELATIONSHIP ANXIETY – HOW TO REDUCE IT
It is not uncommon for relationships to come with some anxiety; it is part of the process of opening up and building trust between two people. However, if the anxiety starts to become overwhelming, or gets you stuck in a cycle of worrying and mistrusting your partner’s intentions, then it’s time to take steps to get out of that loop. In this week’s podcast episode we will be discussing how relationship anxiety can quickly start dominating our thoughts and actions, as well as practical solutions that you can use right away -allowing us to reclaim self-confidence and let go of stressors so we can focus on creating healthier relationships
In this episode of The Confidence Podcast, we’re talking about:
- How to have confidence in your most important relationships
- Trusting someone in a relationship, even if you struggle with anxiety or relationship anxiety
- Changing how you think – and what you’ve been taught or what you’ve seen – about relationships so that you have only healthy ones in your life
REVIEW OF THE WEEK:
Change How You Think & What You Believe:
New relationship, new story
Your past gives your information – not a curse
Learn from your repeated mistakes
Give thanks for bad examples.
Find a way to find good examples
Trust that God has good people for your life
Pay attention to red flags – all the time
Have people in your life you can trust
The Key to All Relationships:
What are you holding back?
What are you assuming the person is hearing you say that you aren’t saying?
Where are you being dishonest in your relationship?
Decide What a Healthy Relationship Means to You
- Define it.
- Describe it.
- Look for examples of it.
- Emulate it.
- Practice it.
1. Mutual respect – both partners should be respectful of each other, their feelings, and their space
2. Communication – communicating effectively is key to a healthy relationship
3. Compromise – it’s important for both partners to be willing to compromise on things that are important to them
4. Supportiveness – being supportive of your partner during good times and bad is essential
5. Equality – both partners should feel like they are equals in the relationship
6. Stability – having a stable and consistent relationship is key to a healthy one
7. Reliability – Be there for your partner when they need you – be supportive through both the good times and the bad
8. Acceptance -Don’t try to change your partner – accept them for who they are
9. Common Interests – Have fun together! Spend time doing things that you both enjoy
10. Individuality – Don’t forget about yourself – make time for activities that make you happy and help you relax
11. Humility and Openness -Seek professional help if necessary – don’t try to deal with serious problems on your own
12. Shared Beliefs / Goals – Communicate about your values, your goals, money, all the things.
13. Vulnerability – both people should be able to be themselves, period, and feel safe being themselves.
Welcome to being human. Anxiety isn’t a problem. The volume you allow it to have you in your life is what poses a problem.
Get honest about your role in your anxiety – and your history with relationships.
Most often relationship anxiety is rooted in lack and scarcity.
Lack of Trust
Lack of Communication.
Lack of Clarity
Lack of Confidence
Lack of Self-Knowledge
Lack of Time Together
Relationship Confidence Within Your Control
Know what you bring to the relationship
Know what your non-negotiables are
Know what your values are
Know what your goals are – and be honest about them
Know what you have learned in the past from previous relationships
Know what matters to you in how you show up
Know your love language, and that of the people you love (and practice)
How to Improve Any Relationship
Do an assessment of it’s overall health
What do you love right now about it? What would you like to change?
How can you show up as a better person?
How can you communicate better?
How can you manage your thoughts and insecurities better?
What is the goal of the relationship?
What are your couple goals?
Where do you need to extend more grace and compassion?
How are your differences to be better celebrated?
What fears are you allowing into your sacred bond?
LISTENER OF THE WEEK:
You're listening to the confidence podcast, your favorite coaching podcast oozing with motivation, inspiration, and confidence to help you boldly take action on your dreams. I'm your host, Trish Blackwell, internationally recognized Confidence Coach, Best Selling Author and founder of the College of Confidence, the most encouraging place on the internet. I teach go getters in life, how to take your thoughts captive, how to step out of the shadows of self doubt, and how to courageously step into their purpose. With competence. It's time to pump our competence muscles and train our thoughts, y'all. Let's get started. Hey, there, it's Trish Blackwell, and you're listening to the confidence podcast. This is episode 533. Hey, today we're talking about relationship anxiety, what to do about it, how to know if you're struggling with it, and how to reduce it. Guys, it's not uncommon for relationships to come with some anxiety, it's part of the process of opening up and building trust between two people. However, if the anxiety starts become overwhelming, or get you stuck in a cycle of worrying and mistrusting your partner's intentions, well, then it's time to take steps to get out of that loop. In this week's episode, we're going to be discussing how relationship anxiety can quickly start dominating our thoughts and actions. And as well as I'm going to give you some practical solutions that you can use right away, allowing you to reclaim self confidence so that you can let the stressors and the overthinking and the mistrust go. And you can focus on what you want, which is creating a healthier, amazing, beautiful relationship, as always get the show notes at my website. So if I say something and you're driving, don't worry, taking writing it down, most of what I talk about is outlined. And we put that on my website, you can find the episode based on the episode number. So this episode, you can get the notes for it at Trish blackwell.com, forward slash 533. I want you to know that wherever you are in a relationship, maybe you're currently single, maybe you're going through a divorce. Maybe you've been married for 30 years, relationships or via live video, breathing living thing. They're constantly in flux and they require work. And if you're single, and you're thinking well, how am I supposed to work on this relationship you working on you is very, very proactively an act of working on your future relationship. You see, we have this misconception that relationships should complete us that these other this waiting for the perfect person this this person to perfectly compliment us y'all know that is not what God designed relationships to be. They are meant to be complimentary. They are meant to be you together you are better. And it's you're not waiting for the person to change who you are becoming the person that the person you will fall in love with would want to be in love with. I love that season of singleness or a season of recovery and reclaiming yourself and saying, How do I go into my next relationship as the healthiest happiest version of me, you are responsible for your happiness, not another person. In this episode of The confidence podcast we're gonna be talking about well, relationships because it is February it's only fitting, but how to have confidence in your most important relationships. I'm going to talk for a couple minutes about trusting someone in a relationship even if you struggle with anxiety or relationship anxiety or you've been heartbroken before when someone's deceived you you have a lot of pain and and an old stories and narratives are bringing into relationship how to trust someone else. And then changing how you think whether that's what you've been taught or what you've seen about relationships so you can have only healthy ones in your life. Guys if you're new to the confidence podcast I want to welcome you maybe your friend sent you this episode or you just found us by searching for keyword and one of your your podcast app of choice but just let me introduce myself I love coming to you every Tuesday I I am passionate about helping women who put too much pressure on themselves learn how to stop self sabotaging, stop overthinking stop comparing themselves and start thriving by current clients and my students in the college competence they learn how to ooze competence and create unwavering belief in their wildest dreams all while having more fun living with more joy and creating impact in the world. I believe God designed them to make you guys we have so life is full of a lot of challenge. But there's a lot of beauty and so often though we our brains are hyper fixated on what is not going right and where we are struggling and what is wrong. And if we miss what is good, we miss what is beautiful. And this is where we learn how to master our mindset. I teach you how to think about what you think about so that you can have confident thoughts have powerful thoughts have thoughts that create a future that oh life that makes you pinch yourself and go, I can't believe I can't believe I wasn't too young, I can't believe I wasn't too old. I want you to know this. It's never too late to change how you think. Because when you change how you think you change your life. Before you go into today's coaching, I love reading your review every week. So thank you, to those of you who have written reviews recently. If you haven't written one recently, hey, poplin in I would love to hear your feedback on the show. It helps other people find it helps us reach more people. And that, to me is my passion. How can I encourage people I started this show, gosh, almost, it probably is nine years ago, because I wanted to provide what I needed, what I had needed 15 years ago. And so I often record think about my old self, my, the version of me that was in a lot of pain that felt alone that felt like no one understood me and that no one was struggling and that my mind was a hot mess and that it was just so much. And I didn't have the tools then that I have now. So every time you write a review, every time you guys share the show, you're helping more people get the resources and help for free. That we know that is that's changed your life. And this changed mine. So thank you in advance for any way that you share the show. This review of the week is from Cass Hughes. They said an essential part of my journey. Every time I've stuck something in this podcast motivates me to keep learning and keep going living my own life. And not someone else's and trusting in God's plan. Sometimes I'll read the title and my brain will think I already know about that. And I won't have to listen, but I choose to anyway and without fail. Trish always gives multiple beautiful, inspiring and applicable lessons that grow my life. More and more. Thank you endlessly and my friend. You are welcome. I am it's so funny though person who wrote one last week we had she said the same thing. She's She Nikki I think it was that said, you know this episode, this one doesn't relate to me. And then you listen. And without fail. There is a takeaway, and what a gift for you guys to tell me that it blesses my soul for me to hear that. So thank you for sharing that. Let's talk about love. Let's talk about relationships. But also let's talk about the reason why I'm even writing this. So I have someone who reached out to me on Instagram. And they said that, hey, I noticed that you've never done a podcast on relationship anxiety. And I was like, Wait straight up I don't think I ever have. And I've helped tons of students in the college competence on this. I work with a lot of my private clients on confidence and relationships. A lot of my own story of competence has been in this area. And yet,
I didn't have an episode. So here's a shout out to those of you who recommend and request episodes, you've gone through my archives and been caught up on them. And you go gosh, I Trish i You've spoken to this once, but I would love more on this. Or, well, hey, you've come and talked about it and mentioned this but we've never done a whole episode, I'm always happy to customize episodes based on where you guys are seeing we're a need and where your need is because I'm here to serve you. This is my my act of love my privilege, my service to be able to provide this type of coaching for free and to put my heart and soul and passion into it every single week. So thank you in advance. And in fact, next week's episode is another listener request. It was brought to my attention that I have not done an episode on food on loving food body image, loving your body i For those of you know my story, I had a 10 to 15 year struggle with eating disorders and body dysmorphia and body insecurity. And I have a lot of episodes on that. But none that had been recent. And so I got some good stuff for you for next week. It's getting dropped on Valentine's Day, I think it's appropriate how to love food, how to love your body, how to love yourself how to live your life, it's going to be good. So some new insights on on how my relationship with confident with confidence and with my body with food have developed. So thank you again, shout out to my listeners who give me the feedback you guys like it means the world to me. So but let's talk about relationship anxiety. So the first thing I want to I want to suggest is that you start to change how you think and what you believe. And it's important that you know that every new relationship is a new story. Often we bring in our own narratives, our own stories, our own vision of what a healthy relationship or unhealthy relationship is or what a relationship is. I can remember growing up. And you know, I look at my parents, they've been married for 43 years, and I see answered prayer. I've prayed for their marriage my whole life. There were times when I prayed they'd get divorced. There were times when I didn't understand why they didn't. I didn't get to parents who were madly in love. I never saw my parents kiss there was thought over affection. And yet now I see them He retired together in Florida. And they're happier than they've ever been. And I think it's really encouraging. It's, it's noteworthy to say Never give up, that some relationships, the ones that keep going even through the rough patches, doesn't mean that stays like that forever. I really believe that when two people work at something, and when Quinn there is something divine that gets involved beyond that, the change happens, change can happen, relationships can change, people can change. Now, here's the thing, people need to want to change, we can't just be in an unhealthy relationship and think that that's going to change, I believe me raising my hand I did it, I thought this person would change and they never did. So boy, do we tell ourselves they can't change because they're so broken, I'm gonna fix them. And you don't even realize you fall into the trap. But it's important that you know that whatever your relationship you grew up, maybe you grew up in an incredible with incredible parents or maybe a broken home or maybe without parents or, or that. So you are bringing your narrative of what you thought your primary relationship was that you looked up to. And you're projecting that onto many of your relationships. Now, I also want to suggest that you you let your past give you information, it gives you information it gives you I looked at my parents and I saw well I like this about them. And I there, this is what I don't like you're not cursed by the relationship that's been passed on to you. Now a lot of times we do repeat generational patterns of the relationships that we saw our parents have, because that's often though, because we're going into blindly people don't spend the time to think about what they think about. They just repeat patterns that are passed down generationally, the fact that you're listening to this means you're not going to fall into that trap. But I also think it's interesting to go, I've worked with a lot of people who say, Well, I just you know, I've never trusted boyfriends, or I always am the baba bah. So stop saying, casting this lake statement that keeps you stuck. We can learn from repeated mistakes, we can learn from our bad choices. And to give thanks for the bad examples of relationships you've had in your life, whether it's your you know, maybe it's your brother in law and your sister that you see in a in a toxic, unhealthy dynamic, or it was your parents or friends, parents, we want to give thanks, we and then find a way to see the good examples. If you find that you don't have a lot of good examples, find them. Whether it's in story, whether you start from people you read or books on, on marriage in relationship, find examples of good healthy relationships, get curious go on a quest, or you might have been the opposite grew up in this amazing family where you're like, wow, I managed hope I can find something like my parents have found. You also are going to find some growth from seeing what what does an unhealthy relationship look like. So whether you were brought up in an unhealthy relationship, or unhealthy one, a broken one or an intact, there's value in it. There's takeaway, there's lesson, it's up to us to be students in the life that we've been given. So look around and say, Alright, I am going to give thanks for the examples that I have had, whether it's from personal experience, or from what I can see, and giving thanks, not from a place of judgment, how come she's letting herself be treated that way you you don't, we can't we have no space to judge anyone. Unless you're in their shoes, and you are not them. So therefore you're gonna judge them. It's interesting, what I I've had, you know, I've I found in my 20s myself, in relationships with people doing things that I would have previously judged, and then you realize it's a whole nother thing when you walk in someone's shoes. So we give thanks without judgment for the bad examples, and then find a way to give, find good examples. And you want to take from both and learn from both. Now, I think for me, another thing that was really huge into changing how I think I'm gonna give you a little bit of my relationship kind of very quick trajectory. So you can hear some of my pain points and see where you relate where our stories overlap. So you know, I'm not just giving you a bunch of great ideas, but this is I have applied it in my my life ideas to have confidence in my marriage. But for me, a key thing to change. What I thought about relationships is I had to believe that God has good people in my life, I found myself at a place where I kept seeing a lot of hurt people. I had a lot of friends being hurt in relationship, and I saw a lot of selfish people do selfish things in relationship. And it made me very jaded, made me very disillusioned. It made me actually want to shut down and be by myself. And and here's the thing that was so isolating. And I had to make a decision. And it sounded really scary if this sounds so simple to say. But I remember being profoundly deeply disturbed and afraid. When I made this faith proclamation, I trust that God is going to bring good people into my life. I've prayed for it and he answers my prayers. You guys and then I would go to a place of disbelief. And I would remind myself know I've proclaimed in faith, that God will provide the right people in my life. Now that said, you've got to pay attention to red flags. I thought some of the people I let trust the ones who really hurt me There were a lot of red flags, y'all. I mean, my family and friends who knew me at the time, they told me there were red flags. I was like, You don't know me. I was so defensive. And so I had to learn from the hurt. Part of my lesson, in my confidence journey was I had to go through places of pain, to be able to have the places of competence. But we can pay attention to red flags. And you can you can you have to trust yourself and your worth, that you don't have to settle for somebody in your life. But there's these red flags, but he's the best I can get. No, there is no such thing you need to know your worth. One of the things I love, oh, I didn't even have this in the notes. One of the things I love doing when I work with clients, when we're talking about getting moving in a career or moving in a relationship and having confidence for what you are, you are worthy of in a relationship, you've got to know what you bring to the table. And you've got to know that you're a steel, not steel, like your cat catches the better word, y'all I look, I was doing some French and I've been in different languages today. But it was the French Spanish, let's forgive my English from the moment, you are a catch. You're the prize you are gold, you. So I often in my my first half of my life in my relationships, I was and I was so insecure, that I compromised, overlooked red flags, because somebody was really attractive, and I just can't believe he picked me, it was either very attractive or very successful. And so all the red flags, I didn't know what I was actually bringing to the relationship. And this is why it's so critical and key to know yourself to know your worth to know what you bring to know that your personality matters that your joy matters. So if you really want more competence, whether you're single, you're married, where, wherever you are, I want you to know, you've got to know not from a place of arrogance, but from a place of confidence that you're worthy of love. And that you contribute and that you are someone's light someone's drawn to you someone is is connected you there, you know, I think attraction is so interesting. We are attracted to different people for different reasons, physically, personality wise, emotionally, I one of my best friends, and I actually was so so convenient. My friends, and I never had the same tastes. I found astonishing, we would generally consider Oh, he's cute. There were certain people we'd say yes, like, in general, I'll keep it the people, we were drawn to the most all massively different.
And what I found attractive was very different than what my friends found attractive. And you guys, there's no reason for it. And yet we can get ourselves our souls crushed. And we're like, I don't understand why someone picked her over me. They just want to attract to you in the same way. In the same way you can look at two very attractive people and go I'm attracted to the one and the other one. I'm not really drawn to you. Again, pretend you're single everyone listening right now pretend you're single. But it's really important that we we break it down and understand that there is a natural attraction for some people. And when someone has that to you and you're in a relationship was was someone that says that they are attracted to you that they are drawn to you that they think you're beautiful that they love you. They are not blowing smoke, they are not making it up, just to make you feel good. You see, I was so broken when I met my husband that I questioned everything you said he would say I'm beautiful. And I went well, you're just supposed to say that. He would say that i is never been met anyone like me. And I'm like, and you probably told every girlfriend that before. And then we will get to this but we had to have some really deep conversation of why don't you just believe what I tell you? Because if it's true, I felt differently about him than anyone ever before. Why would that not be possible that he felt that way for me, we have to learn to trust people in a new way. But the here's the thing, and this goes to what I was about to tell you is the reason that Brenda and I've been a little navigate that and creates an incredible, beautiful, vibrant marriage is that we communicate the key to all relationships is communication. So my question is here, what are you holding back? Whether you're dating or you're in a long term relationship? Where what are you holding back? What are you assuming the other person is hearing you say that you aren't saying? What are you being dishonest about in your relationship? How can your relationship improve and communication and if you're dating, and you can't communicate with somebody, it's time to move on. Or they don't value communication as much as you want to. Time to move on and communication doesn't mean you're an extrovert just means it's two people willing to be emotionally honest and open with one another. I think it's important to decide what a healthy relationship means to you. What does it mean? How are you going to live through it and but but even before that, I want to share with you A little bit of context of my relationship story. I already told you a group of parents that was, it was a lot of conflict, a lot of tension, a lot of weight, a lot of financial struggle. We went through a season that was hard. And so I was afraid I would never be loved. I grew up as the as a very athletic little girl. And I had my older brother was extremely attractive. He looked six years older than he was, every girl who saw him had a crush on him. And people. And you've, if you've read any of my books, you've heard this story. I have girls who literally said, Wait, you're Nick Blackwell sister. And I said, Yeah, it's so proud. So proud to be associated with him. He was my best friend. And then go beat and you have the same parents.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I know, like, because it was I was cool by association.
And they went, I quote you? Well, he's so hot. Are you sure? Because like, you're not. I can tell you where I was standing on the pool deck that summer, when that was said to me. Your brother's really, really cute. What happened to you? You guys must not have the same parents. So those are the childhood wounds I brought with me into relationships. I looked at my brother who everyone wanted to have a relationship with. And then I took these words said offhandedly. And I made it mean that I was not going to be loved. I made it mean that I was just athletic, I was never going to be beautiful. I was afraid of being unlovable. And then, because my faith is important to me. I wanted I went about relationships differently. I, my purity was important to me. And so I was insecure about every guy I dated. Even though I did it every guy ever I've ever cute guy wanted, but I was uncommitted. I was afraid to let people close because I was afraid they weren't gonna respect my faith, or my, my, my, my, my decisions. And so I was unwilling to let anyone in. And then after college, I did it, I still felt on the outs, right, I still felt like no one would ever love me. And then I did it. After that, I did it for confidence. I did it for external approval, I dated people to give myself confidence. And I say that transparently. I say it I used to be ashamed of it. I'm going to be just look what you're gonna get with me as an open book. I could see my insecurity when I tell you this. When I lived in France, I dated an Argentinian professional rugby player, the star of the team. Why? Well, he was cute. And I got to practice my Spanish. And I liked him. But I also liked being with the star athlete. And walking around this Frenchtown with the star athlete. After that, I dated a professional model after that. Yeah, and by the way, guys, I still was like, I don't think I'm pretty like what is my brain? This is I'm telling you this so you see how ridiculous it is the stories we tell ourselves about our how good we are in a relationship, how bad we are, if we're good at it, if we want to be in it. It just just it's time I'm sharing this. So you question yours. After that I did it a professional Major League Baseball starting pitcher. And that was more about my own insecurity. I wanted to be able to say I did this, this this person. And after that, like I decided and in the one of these one of these people was very, very abusive to me. I was engaged in I this was the love of my life. First time I truly trusted somebody. But he was broken. And he wasn't ready for relationship even though he was he was he he proposed and he wanted that. And it was dangerous. So I decided love was the interests. I lost my identity, I became just empty inside I was abused my, my brother literally had to come to the city I was living he didn't fly halfway across the United States to quote unquote, rescue me. So I swore off man after that. I was like, Well, I'm done. I will never meet somebody, I will only be independent, I will never have a family. I will never live in suburbs, I am going to travel the world for living and just be super independent. And if you know my life now, you know that's laughable. Because when I met Brandon, everything changed. I was cynical. I did not trust him. I assumed that everything that my ex did every hurtful thing every that Brandon would do the same thing. I did not. There was so much baggage I brought into the relationship and here's why the relationship stood time one because God is at the center of the relationship. And two because my husband was somebody who said I want to communicate about everything. And he was willing, and he was willing to see that I was still broken and love me through it. He was willing to say hey, these are the landmines we would call them. Hey, these are landmines. These are from him the ex he's He and my husband would never grow husband and fiance date, at any point, he would often say, I'm not him. It's okay that you're scared, I just want to remind you, I'm not him. And little by little, Brennan was loving enough to let me be patient, to patiently love me through learning to trust him learning to see that he is different than the men I knew. And that I was different, that he would be somebody, I would feel safe having a family with, right and making life with. And my point is I went from being, there's no way no one will love me. Then I was like, Oh, I'll date just for ego, because I was so insecure, too, then Nope, I just want to be alone my whole life. And yet here I am, married madly in love 10 years into the marriage with two amazing kids. And I literally cannot imagine my life without my husband. And so please, wherever you are in your relationship story, and relationship anxiety, your story is not over. Just because people have hurt you in the past doesn't mean that everyone will hurt you. I think it's important to do that. So you've got to decide. And one thing that was key and critical for me in having confidence in my relationship, having confidence that I could I want to be married, I was afraid of marriage. But I had to look at well, what are my examples of healthy marriage? What does a healthy marriage really mean? To me? What does a healthy relationship with mean to me? And so I want to encourage you to define it define a healthy relationship, then describe it. And if you're with somebody right now, if you're in relationship right now, do this with your, your person you're dating or you're you're married to define it, describe it. Look for examples of it. Look for examples of what you want to aspire to have emulated practice that. So define it, describe it, look for examples of it, emulate it, practice it, and then finally talk about it with one another. asking them how can I one of my favorite conversations to have with Brandon is we try to do this on a monthly basis. It's not a planned structured thing. But we'll we'll do a monthly check in. And we'll be honest, in a loving way, the way to best friends would be Hey, babe.
How am I doing as a wife? In this past month, I will often very directly ask him
in this past month, what have I done? How am I How have you felt loved by me as a wife? And then hey, in this next month, what's something else I can do to love and support you? And then he says the same thing. We often take that conversation and we also say, hey, what do you think about what how do you think I'm doing as a mother? What do you think I've done this? Well, well, this month is a month mother? And what area? Do you see as my parenting partner that I could I could pay a little bit more attention to and I want to read and we did the same thing. Together I love. He asked me questions about his his parenting, his fathering. And I built him up. And then I say, Well, I think you could, we could we could double down in this area a little bit. And then same for me we find an area. Because we want to be we want to be proactive parents, we want to be proactive partners, we want to be proactive in our marriage, we want to decide that the marriage is only going to get better and better and better. And so when it comes to relationship anxiety when you are with someone who you can communicate with, or maybe you've never done this in your 10 years, and you're like I don't know, if he's open or he or she are open to communicating with you, and learning how to have these deeper conversations. That's where you start. It's just like learning a new language emotional conversations like this. Dreaming conversations building a life at the core of your heart conversations, talking about your marital legacy you are relationship legacy you want to have, these are it's an emotional language. And just like learning any other language, it takes practice, and it's gonna feel you're gonna feel like you fumble a bunch and that's okay. Just start having those conversations. But there's a couple of things you can do to build a healthy relationship, just some some key points for you to take away with. One is mutual respect. Both partners should be respectful of each other their feelings in their space. Two is communication. Communicating effectively, literally is the key to all things. Three is compromise. It's important for both partners to be willing to compromise on things that are important than to them to honor one another. One of the best books on relationships I've read is I forget who wrote it, but but oh, man, it's gonna as soon as I say it, I'm gonna. It's love and respect. It's how to love how to respect also the five languages of love is incredible. And number four is supportiveness. being supportive of your partner in good times and bad is essential. Five equality both partners should feel like equals in the relationship. And if you're not you'll the build though there will be resentment that builds and how do you avoid that you communicate, you talk about stability, being stable and consistent in your relationship is the key to having a healthy one. So what does stability mean for your relationship? Consistent date nights, consistent intimacy, talking, we'll talk about both of those things and More right decide what stability what helps you feel stable reliability being there for your partner when they need you. being supportive in the good times and bad knowing how to be supportive, acceptance, not trying to change your partner I was with these men I did in the past, I was like, Oh, I'm going to change them and make them better. Now, we've got to love the people that were with and accept them for who they are. And if they are interested in changing, whether it's changing their body, changing their career, or changing their emotional capacity, then you support them, but we don't change people. People change themselves. Nine common interests, having fun together is so key. The more fun you have, the more trust you build with one another. Spend time doing things you both enjoy, prioritize that, that gives you vibrancy to the relationship and return individuality. Don't forget to make time for yourself. And make time for your partner some Brandon and I call it as it's not a heat well named term, but we call it Brandon time or Trish time. I need some Brandon time. Or he needs Brandon time. I need Trish time. And we talked about we tell our kids hey, I when the kids are like, Hey, where's Where's daddy? Oh, he's having daddy time. What does that mean? Like, oh, he's going, he likes to grab a beer with a friend. And then he likes to go take a walk. Or he likes to write poetry or he likes to go hit the golf ball like I'm like, doesn't matter. He gets his space to be an individual. And same for me. And then you're teaching kids that hey, a healthy relationship is not necessarily codependent, it's two individuals coming together and bringing out the best of one another challenge I like to say when I was what I always wanted, I recommend healthiest relationships are those that that challenge one another, intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually, that you challenge one another to rise up in those areas, to three more areas I think are important for a healthy relationship, our humility and openness. And by the way to help in that area, seek professional help do couples counseling, don't do don't deal with serious problems or old baggage on your own. There are so many great resources out there. And to the ego to say I got to figure this out on my own is going to be only detrimental not just to you but to your relationship. Number 12 is to share have shared beliefs and goals. I think it's so critical to communicate with your, your your partner about your values, your goals, money, all the things have financial goals together, have retirement goals together, have dreams together, take the time but you assume that you have the same goals. But have you talked about it? Have you mapped it out? Have you dreamed it together? Brandon and I have dates where we set aside this is our time to dream. It's proactive, it's emotionally proactive, and then vulnerability, both people should be able to be themselves period and feel safe being themselves. So let's talk about the anxiety that happens when you're not when the relationship is unhealthy and whether it is healthy and you're just overthinking it. Sometimes we have relationship anxiety, because we're afraid to be happy. If you're having anxiety in your relationship, I want you to ask yourself, why are you resisting happiness? Are you afraid that they're going to ultimately hurt you? Here's what I want you to know there is risk and love. I don't care who you're with, you're with somebody who is human, we are human, we are flawed, we are selfish, we make mistakes. There's always the risk, even with the person who's the most incredible person in the world, there's a risk that they will hurt you. But the risk is always worth it. With great risk comes great reward. So truly trusting someone so you might be experiencing anxiety because you're really close to truly trusting. It's worth it. Anxiety is not the problem, the volume of who you allow to have in your life is what poses a problem. That's the that's the difference that I want to I want to propose to you today. And that it's really important to get honest about your about your role in your anxiety. It's your history with relationships, it's your thoughts about relationships, it's your thoughts and your projections about what this person you're either dating or marriage you might be thinking might be doing, or might be thinking and it's often relationship anxiety comes from a lack of your trust that you are loved for being you write that because you might be thinking maybe you're in a long distance relationship and you're like but he's got these like really beautiful coworkers. And he's gonna He's gonna be drawn to them or or there's no one that catches his eye the way that you catch it. It's interesting Brandon say that. He's like, literally no one. No one does it for me the way you do. Like, I didn't believe that until now. I look around and I see very attractive men. There's really fit men at my gym. I have. I mean, I appreciate male beauty look yet there's no one that makes my heartbeat the way my husband does. I can see him in a crowd like, Oh, who's that guy? It's true When someone loves you When love is there. But your insecurity You're not believing him or needing just Snoopy needing to CZ, having conversations that is going to break trust that is going to create more anxiety. And so often relationship anxiety is rooted in lack and scarcity. It's your lack of trust, lack of communication, lack of clarity, clarity being, do I know why I'm loved? Do I know what I bring to the table? Do I know what, what why we have why we're so uniquely connected, why we why we're drawn to each other, why we enjoy each other, why we want to build a future together, it's your lack of confidence, whether it's confidence in yourself competence in your body confidence in your beauty, competence in your intellect, lack of your sense of self knowledge, sometimes that just simply is like, I don't even know what I bring to the table, or lack of time together. And, and for those of you who are in a long distance relationship, it's I think, so I look at my brother and his wife who have an incredible marriage, but most of their much of their dating years were spent on different countries, because my brother's an archaeologist, and he was always doing digs and traveling.
And I think the the gift of a long distance relationship that that survives, and that thrives is that in long distance, you are forced to master communication. And I've seen the evidence and benefit of that, bless their marriage, here on our heads for and so whether you're like, yeah, maybe it would be easier if we lived in the same town. Yeah, I get it. Brandon and I would dated, we used to live two hours apart. I know, that's not super, super long distance, but I met we only saw each other on the weekends. And it meant that during the week, we had to communicate, to stay connected, and it is been a gift. Wherever you find yourself in the relationship, decide that it's for your good, decide that the that you get to grow from it. But if you want your link relationship anxiety to to, to not have control over you, you've got to identify what is causing the anxiety. Remember, anxiety is an emotion and your your emotions are always caused by your thoughts. So it's your thinking you might be feeling anxious because you're thinking he thinks other people are prettier than you are. He's thinking that that person you know, maybe you're in a maybe you're in one career, and he's an attorney, and then you're thinking, lack of confidence in your, in your education. And you're thinking well, he's gonna like her because she's also an attorney. Like, you got to start taking ownership of what are the random thoughts that you're allowing and you're entertaining and these whole entire narratives and stories you're telling yourself about what he's so funny, we put ourselves in other people's brains, and then feel anxious because of it. And it's all optional. So figure out what is called What are the thoughts that are causing the anxiety? Is it lack of trust? Is it lack of communication? Is it lack of clarity? Is it scarcity and thinking like he's too good to be true is too good for me now, like, you've got to know what you know yourself. Know what you're bringing, have confidence in, in why you aren't our love. And then relationship. The what you have in your control. What we can't control is the person we're with, can't control how they think can't control they are trustworthy, but what you can control is you So here's what's within your control know what you bring to the relationship? Do you bring the fun? Do you bring the joy? Do you bring the sentiment do you bring the right like, what is it that you bring? Do you bring just a an interesting viewpoint? Like what is it that you bring? Do you bring just incredible connection? Do you bring a deep sense of faith that you to connect over? What do you bring to the relationship, know what your non negotiables are, know how you will, what you will allow and how you will allow yourself to be treated and how you won't know what your values are, know what your goals are? And be honest about that. Right? If your goal is to be a mom and you're dating somebody who's open to kids, you got to be honest about it and say no, I really want kids do what like you've got to be honest about what it is that you want for your future. Know what you've learned in your past and your previous relationships. Know what matters to you and how you want to show up. And then also know your love language. Know what your love language is and that of the people you love, know how to love others and other love languages. Right so words of affirmation is incredible love language for me. But time quality time is one of my husband's I have to I've had to learn how to love him in quality time. Words thankfully words of affirmation are also one of his so I'm I'm it's easy to love in the language that you receive love, but when you really love other people so you can practice increasing the way you love your proactiveness of your love, but by practicing how you love with your friends, find out their love language and start loving in them in that way. And then here's some reflection questions I will I just put down that I want to offer to you to help you improve any relationship. One is doing an assessment of its overall health. And then here are the questions. What do you love right now about it. What would you like to change? And you might love everything and you might just like to change how busy you are, you might like to change that you have more downtime together? How can you show up as a better person? And as a better partner? How can you communicate better notice how this is all on you. There are things in the other person we can't change, we can't control. But there's a lot that we can do. How can you manage your attitude better? How can you manage your thoughts and insecurities better? What is the goal of the relationship? Well, what are your couple goals? You know, couple goals is not just a hashtag, hashtag couple goals. Like I said, I love dreaming with Brandon. I love having literal couple of goals. We write them down. We have financial ones, we have physical ones. We have intimacy ones. We have travel ones, what are your couple goals? We have net worth ones. Where do you need to extend more grace and compassion? That one for me was really, really humbling and big. Also, how are your differences? How can you better celebrate your differences? When Brandon and I first got together and we're really first married? I was thinking actually, when we were dating, I actually was like, I don't think we're going to work. And here's why. I'm a morning person, and you don't go to bed. Like you'll stay up till 2am. And I was like, that's not gonna work. My dream was that I was going to be somebody who'd like to go to bed at nine or 10 o'clock and wake up at five with me. And guess what the best thing ever was in our parenting. When we had babies, infants, kids, not sleeping. Brandon's a rockstar. He did anything after 9pm He's on it. 9pm to 2am. He's on it. Once 3am comes I don't mind getting up. It was amazing. And even to this day, if something happens at night, there's parenting involved at night after 8pm Brandon's like on it easy for him. If anything's happening at 4am or after I'm like, Oh, I gotta stay in bed. What I thought was going to break us apart because I wanted to marry somebody that was just like me, which is never a good idea. Guys. There's a reason we're drawn to people are different than us. You don't need another you. You need someone who's going to complement you who's going to challenge you. So how are your differences to be better celebrated? I'm so grateful. I get frustrated by our differences. Sometimes I get frustrated when I'm like, Okay, please don't sleep in the whole weekend. Like I'm like, Ah, we got stuff to do. But then also have to remember, I love that. He's like that our differences complement one another. And then what What fears are you allowing into your sacred bond? A relationship, especially a marriage is sacred? Are you allowing fear? And are you letting faith be the narrative of that bond? And then another great question is should How can we communicate better together? Because I hope this episode was encouraging to you wherever you are in your relationship status right now. Save this episode and come back. It's going to be one that men want to listen to you with, with your with people, that person you love the people you love. You certainly can also apply some of these concepts to your friendships as well. So hey, before we close out I like to highlight our listener of the week. This is someone who reached out on Instagram and she said this. I'm keeping her name anonymous. She said hate recently, Episode 233 27. So shout out to those who haven't listened to the 300 yet go back listen to 327. She said they spoke to her I grew up with a single mom who immigrated here from El Salvador, she had a lot of trauma. And we her kids lived with trauma and shame always less than feeling. And especially with anyone white because that was her narrative. I guess a great topic request I would like to is I'm trying to change my thoughts because I did live through ugly things. This is a part of me that believes if I dare to dream big, there's a price to pay. Like Keep your head down to no one notices you that type of thing. Episode 327 touched a little bit on guilt. But if your audience can benefit more from this, please speak to us on this. You got it, girl. So I want you to know that that is on the way. I want to give you a narrative that it's never too late to dream big, there is always going to be a price to pay. But remember, the price is just consistency. And it's the courage, the emotional courage, often the prices and emotional price. Oh, it feels very scary sometimes to think that you can change the narrative. But you can you can do anything. And you can change the narrative you can create a big wild dream. And you can have the courage to stand out to stand out and say I'm not gonna play small now, if you haven't listened to Episode 529 How to which is a question playing small, how to live up to your potential that would be a really great episode to listen to. But I just wanted you to know that this, your narrative is what you decided to be. Your story is not over the story of your childhood. And that narrative that limiting their narrative that blame victim, their narrative, it made sense, and we're not going to judge it. We're just going to say, that was just one chapter of my story. And it gave me a deep appreciation for things. And now, I'm gonna go create a life that it can dream of a life that I can barely imagine, but I'm gonna have the courage to think big enough to go. And you're right. It's guilt of success. It's guilt of what if this is our How is it fair? If you can visualize it, you can create a roadmap to it. And here's why it's fair. Anyone can do the same thing. Anyone who has the ability to think most people are too busy to spend time thinking. And most people don't have the emotional courage to say, I want to make changes in my life. I want to I want my future to be different than my past. So the fact that you're already saying, I want my future to be different from my past, means
you're on your way. So let's proclaim it to get today guys. Your future is going to be different than your past. You're doing the work right now, my friends. Hey, I'll see you next week. Valentine's Day, make sure you're here subscribe to the podcast. We're gonna be talking about loving food, loving your body, body confidence, all the things now go there today. Go be more who God created you to be. Be you. Be free. If you loved today's episode of The confidence podcast, I invite you to check out the College of Confidence at www.collegeofconfidence.com. The COC is where your next step is. In the COC we cultivate confidence create courage and spark change. It takes everything we do here on the podcast to the next level, and our members get crazy life changing results. I'm so confident that you will find that the COC is the most encouraging place on the internet, and that it will so wildly exceed your expectations that it comes with a money back guarantee hate joining is completely risk free. You owe it to your future self to take your growth to the next level by coaching with me in the COC. Join me today at www.collegeofconfidence.com
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