Podcast #526

 

LETTING GO OF TRYING TO MAKE EVERYONE LIKE YOU

Wanting to make everyone like you could be standing in the way of reaching your fullest potential. Being accepted and respected by others can create an empowering sense of validation – but at what cost? It’s time to recognize that trying to make everyone like you can become counterproductive when not managed properly; it takes away our power and essential self-focus required for success.  In this podcast, we’ll talk about how letting go of striving for popularity will benefit not only your peace of mind but also help create stronger relationships with those around you. 

In this episode of The Confidence Podcast, we’re coaching on:

  • How to Stop Caring What People Think About You
  • Understanding What’s Normal and How to Talk Your Brain Through Over-thinking
  • 5 Things to Stop Doing Immediately 

REVIEW OF THE WEEK:

amazing podcast to listen to

UNDERSTAND WHAT’S NORMAL

“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.”Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

 

Some people will like you, some won’t. There’s no way around that.

It’s taste, it’s preference, and often, there’s absolutely no explanation.

 

I love peppermint. Like. Obsessed. (Tell story about Bob’s Sweet Peppermint Sticks)

And when I find out that someone doesn’t like peppermint, my brain can’t wrap its head around the concept.

 

I don’t like potatoes. Like, at all. Not a healthy thing, just a taste thing. I’ll never be tempted by french fries and especially not by mashed potatoes.

 

Some people like peaches, and some people don’t. 

 

Think about someone that you don’t particularly like.

How often do you think about them? Is your dislike negative or is it neutral? 

Does it really mean that you don’t like the person, or that you don’t enjoy them as much as some other people?  Take note of how little importance your thoughts and feelings about someone really has on your life – and use this to encourage ourself. 

 

Your brain will want to be liked by others. This is our primitive brain on super-charge. It wants to be part of the crowd – and it thinks that being excluded creates a compromise to survival. Then it did, now it doesn’t. 

5 THINGS TO STOP DOING IMMEDIATELY

Stop people-pleasing

Stop indulging in the made-up stories in your mind.

Stop assuming that you’re the only one who thinks about these things

Stop pretending to be someone that you’re not

Stop replaying every conversation and circumstance 

“The reason that so many people don’t really feel happy while they’re building up their success in the eyes of society is that they are living in competition.” -Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

-Popularity is not a competition.

-You don’t need everyone to like you.

-It’s impossible to have everyone like you.

UNDERSTAND WHY WE OVER-ATTACH TO CARING IF PEOPLE LIKE YOU

We make it mean more than it does.

We never learn how to accept ourselves when we depend on it from others.

We become like a ragdoll to their whims – and get addicted to the drama of it. 

We haven’t reassured ourselves that we are safe and okay

We think that we need people to like us – we actually need to learn to like ourselves

We allow the perceived “rejection” of someone not liking us create strong negative emotions that feel over-powering … we get defensive, we get critical, we get jealous, we get obsessed with people pleasing

UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS IF SOMEONE DOESN’T LIKE YOU

-It doesn’t mean anything. 

-They simply don’t think about you.

-Does it matter if they like you? Why? Why not? 

(if it’s a professor, I would argue that it still doesn’t matter.

UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT TO DO

Identify a time when you haven’t cared what someone thought about you.

-The other soccer team you played against

-The opinion of your mom when she disagreed with your style

-The mean kids who were mean to everyone 

-The lazy employees you managed who you knew complained about you behind your back

-The students you competed against with grades 

Practice having the courage to be disliked.

  • For me, I tap into this with power statements like:

“I like me, and it’s okay if they don’t.”

“They might just not like peppermint – that’s their loss.”

“I am in my lane of life – if someone doesn’t like my lane, they can switch lanes.”

“They probably don’t think about me – or have an opinion – I’m just neutral and that’s ok.”

“I like being myself and I like people who are themselves.” 

RESOURCES TO CONTINUE THE CONVO

My free masterclass: How to Stop Caring What People Think

www.trishblackwell.com/freeclass

Episode #516: Being Different From Others

Episode #477: The Courage to Be Disliked 

LISTENER OF THE EPISODE:

Melissa Dickinson

Hi Trish! I hope you are well. I listen to you here in the UK and your light shines all the way across the Atlantic. It feels like every time I listen to your new podcast episode you have been reading my mind and it relates to my struggles. I had been through a difficult time with menopause and had last all direction but with your podcast and by using a therapist, I have come out of th4 other side and started a menopause business. 

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You're listening to the confidence podcast, your favorite coaching podcast oozing with motivation, inspiration, and confidence to help you boldly take action on your dreams. I'm your host, Trish Blackwell, internationally recognized competence coach, Best Selling Author and founder of the College of competence, the most encouraging place on the internet. I teach go getters in life, how to take your thoughts captive, how to step out of the shadows of self doubt, and how to courageously step into their purpose. With competence. It's time to pump our competence muscles and train our thoughts, y'all. Let's get started. Hey, there, it's Trish Blackwell, and you're listening to the confidence podcast. This is episode 526. Oh, it's an episode, we all need that kind and loving reminder to let go of trying to make everyone like you guys. Like, we know this. We learn this in first grade. And it's still hard to remember in your 20s or 30s or 40s your 50s that it's okay. If people don't like you. It's one of the things that side rails are confidence the most. And remember when your confidence is side railed. Yeah, I mean, I'm I want you to feel confident. But it's the byproduct of confidence that is so critical and core, to the way you live your life. When you are distracted by the things that don't matter. And the things that we have no control over. We don't live we don't live to the fullest. We don't pursue our potential we don't have the boldness to go for goals, we we spin our wheels, we overthink we make things three times harder than they need to be. And we probably even if we're massively achieving, because most of you listening are high achievers, you're wired like me, you're constantly doing doing doing. But I know that you know this, you have more in you, there was potential for more, but you're getting in your own way. Because you're distracted, worrying about what people are saying about you, worrying about whether you should go be bolder, and put yourself out there and really go for it. Or it what are they gonna say? What are they going to say if you do something different? What are quote unquote, they the famous they, what are they going to say when you become really successful? What are they going to say when you start changing your standards, right? And wanting to make everyone like you is it's natural, however it can be standing in your way, the thing standing in your way of reaching your fullest potential. Being accepted and respected by others can create this empowering sense of validation and belonging. But here's the thing, it's really important you ask yourself at what cost. So it's time to recognize that trying to make everyone wants, you can actually be counterproductive. When not manage properly, it takes away our power and our essential self focus required for success. So in this podcast, we're going to talk about how to let go of trying so hard. while still investing guys, it's important to notice this, while also still investing in meaningful bonds with people who matter the most. So I'm going to talk to you about how to strike let go of the striving for popularity. Because when you let go of that you let yourself be you and you also let yourself have the courage to be disliked. That you you meet you make an effort to connect with people and you love people and you and you network with people and you understand that relationships create our future. They create opportunities, relationships are everything. So it does matter what some people think. But ultimately, that's not what we're worried about. We want everybody to think everything good about us. We we get distracted or we think this one specific person needs to be the person who thinks something good about us, whether it's because we have a crush on them or because they're the boss or they have the gatekeeper of the next opportunity. And we get so narrative of why does that person not like me? Or what would they do? How do we not mess it up that the people pleasing begins in the striving? And you guys it's all wasted effort. And we're going to talk about that today and how to know how to let that go. Because because it I want you one of the things I'm teaching my children is we want to you want to be a person who is always kind and loving and upstanding and your character because I want I want to teach my children to live in a way that if people said something about you about you, other people would would probably question it, they would know it's just gossip they go but that's not the that's not the LEA. I know that's not the Baker I know. That doesn't seem like their character that's not consistent. And when you can become a person that people know is of character that is of consistency that is congruent. You you find favor with people, you create relationships, there are bonds, and in that sense that but that's you being you and you having high integrity and standards and showing up in the world as a human being who contributes not having the sole objective to I hope that they liked me so that I'm popular. We live in a social media world where we are tracking our lives. Thanks, guys. We are tracking your likes and we are like it's look raising my hand here, it's very easy to to think you have an amazing post an amazing family photo or amazing insight to share. And then because it doesn't get as many likes as you think it should you feel bad about yourself. And here's the thing, it's not that people didn't like it. Sometimes it's just because you posted the wrong time of day or the didn't include the right tags, or the wrong person saw it and something else was on an algorithm. And yet it demoralizes us and maybe you don't want to share as much. Or maybe you you start comparing your life to the highlight reels of others. Or maybe you start overthinking your own business because maybe you're posting for business, and then you convince yourself that you'll never achieve your dreams, or you'll never grow that because you're we're comparing vanity metrics. And it's all so arbitrary. And it's all defeating and overwhelming. So in this episode of The confidence podcast, this is what we're talking about how to stop caring what people think about you how to understand what's normal, and how to talk to your brain through the overthinking. And I've got five things for you to stop doing immediately. So first, before we do that, of course, I want to highlight our our listener of the review of the week, our listener of the week, who wrote an amazing review is Lee Hanna. Girl, I love you. She said amazing podcasts. I've been listening to Trish his podcast for about a month now. Her episodes are full of valuable information, and I've incorporated it into my life and business. I look forward to hearing them a weekly I love the podcast so much that I recently joined the COC. The program is amazing. I'm so glad I found Trish his podcast and the college competence Lee and we are so glad that you join us in the COC because I see some big things happening for you. So thank you for that review. Guys. Thank you for the feedback. It means the world to me to hear from you. And to to know what resonates what episodes are resonating. What Episode Do you think I should do more of so when you reach out to me on Instagram and you say you love the show? One? Thank you to tell me what you want to hear more of. And also three. If you haven't yet left a review, please do so that other people who are stumbling upon the show for the first time and see that maybe it's worth a listen. It's always hard. I mean, look, it's a hard thing to go Oh, should I try this new podcast? Oh, man new series on Netflix. Do we give it a go? And why do we give it a go? We

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give it a go when someone says no, no, this is good. And so if this has been at all a blessing to you in your life, please, please pay the favor forward for those around you. one other announcement before we dive into coaching today, if you are not yet signed up to map your year out with me, I want you to join me on Thursday, December 29 at 7pm. Eastern for a two hour 2023 Confident year master planning session, I'm going to provide the necessary tools and strategies for you to create your very own master plan. And I'm going to help you get there even faster for the year ahead. Why high achievers should have this on their books because you're already planning ahead. And this is how you can get ahead of everyone else, even your past self. This is a experience. I used to charge 997 for a charge that last year. I charged it the year before. And I'm offering it this year I want to offer to more people, because I was only capped at 10 people last year, I want to offer two more people and that is why we're doing it in a group setting. And for an exclusive never offered before discounted price of just $97. You get the two hours of coaching the masterclass replay the 24 page to this point, I'm still working on it, making it better and better workbook and everything. It's not just what are my goals? What are we going to do? It's what am I going to think that's going to create the goals? What am I going to think that's going to help propel me to consistent action? What am I going to think? And what's my plan for when I get discouraged for when I want to give up on myself? We're not just pie in the sky, this is going to be easy. Here's our goal, guys, this is not a rah rah pep talk. This is a practical, let's anticipate the hurdles ahead of time and choose on purpose, the thoughts to think consistently through the year based on the past and your past patterns of when do you get discouraged? When do you give up? When is it when do we experience success resistance so that we can plan ahead of time and be stronger and bolder in 2023? Boulder year ahead of you, you can get started Sign up now at Trish blackwell.com forward slash 2023. So let's talk about let's talk about letting go of caring what people think about you. Let's talk about letting go of trying to get everyone to like you. So one, here's the truth. Let's understand what's normal. Some people will like you and some people won't. Because there's there's no way around that. I know you were probably taught that as a kid in kindergarten or first grade because I know these are the conversations I have with my kids. When they say you add, they get you ask, Well, why don't they like me? There's sometimes no answer. There's no way around it. And the better way to look at it is its taste. Its preference. And often, there's absolutely no explanation. I'm going to tell you a funny story. I okay to say I love peppermint is an understatement. I love peppermint. Like, I'm obsessed with peppermint. So there are these, there's this company that makes that's Bob's sweet peppermint six. It's like those super soft peppermints that are like, you know, the ones that you get sometimes, and they're come in circles, but they melt in your mouth. Well, Bob's peppermint sticks are like that a little bit harder and consistency. And they're it's a bit it's, it's a 50 calorie, peppermint stick. And it comes in a pack of 10. And it's only sold in November and December here where I live. Walmart sells them. And that's it. And so, two and a half years ago, I bought like 20 boxes, thinking, Okay, I'm gonna buy these throughout the year, you guys, I'm so obsessed that I was like, oh, no, I'm out. It's my favorite snack at night. Well, it turns out, my husband also discovered that the dog likes these and he's giving them to finish it. I'm like, you cannot waste my precious permits X. All that to be said, this past year, my sister in law was asking me about a Christmas present. We switched names in our family. So you get one member and she had me as like, I want you to spend all of the budget on these peppermint sticks. And I was like, you gotta you're gonna have to go. She's like, I'm not gonna buy you peppermint for Christmas. It's like, no, no, like, Jen. I promise. Please, please, this is all I want. Like, I don't want anything else. As like, I've already bought 50 boxes for myself. Could you buy because they're $1 a box. Could you find 50 boxes at these different Walmart's? And she was like, okay, really sick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so that's what she did. And it was amazing. And I had 100 boxes of peppermint. So that's 1000 Peppermint sticks, guys. Well, here's the problem. When I run out through the year, when you can buy them I can buy them on Amazon, Bob's sweet peppermint six are available on Amazon folks. But if you don't buy them in November or December from Walmart, they are not just $1 they are $5 for the same thing and I'm like I am a woman of principles with my financial management and I don't want to pay $5 for something that really should be one so all that to be said I that this is the link that I love the peppermint sticks and we just got I just got for like pallets of them. I was so excited because my mom Walmart was out and then I found one that had it and oh my gosh, you don't need to hear that. It goes on. I have a whole stash and now I feel I feel set for 20 2003 I feel rich and peppermint. Okay, so when I find out that someone else doesn't like peppermint. Like if you might not like peppermint. And if you and I were sitting in a room, I'd be like okay, you don't really get it. It's peppermint. What do you not like about peppermint? Like it's sweets. It fresh ginger breath. You feel really good after it's a palate cleanser. For me, because that me gives me that perfect sugar like little bursts. Like it's it reminds me of the holidays all year long. What do you and I if you sat and told me all the reasons you don't like peppermint, you probably wouldn't able to come up with reasons. You would just say I don't like peppermint. And same thing for me. By the way. Insert peppermint tea. Peppermint, protein bars, peppermint, protein shakes, peppermint, chocolate milk, I don't know peppermint. Anything I'm in. Okay. And if you were like, I don't know, peppermints too spicy for me. I my brain would break. My brain can't wrap its head around the concept. Okay, same thing. Here's another one. You might like, like something that I don't potatoes. Like, I don't like potatoes. Like not at all like, and this isn't like oh, it's a carb and I don't eat too many carbs healthy thing. It's just a taste thing. I will never in my life be tempted by French fries. And especially not by mashed potatoes. You could not pay me to eat mashed potatoes. And you might be like, Trish white. Like what about a baked oval? Don't even start me on baked potatoes. Like, like, even with all the fixings. Oh, I just can't I don't like it. And if you ask me why I actually don't have an explanation. This is kind of what human interaction is like sometimes too. And I say that because you're like, we can also be okay. Being like that, right? Some people don't like peaches. Some people do. Some people like peppermint some people don't. Maybe so when I find that someone when I find out that someone doesn't like me, or I think in my mind Oh, what if they don't like me in my old thoughts old Trish insecurities. She's like, Okay, I need to be friendlier to them. And I need to like be really cool or like I have all these, whatever I think is the problem, why they don't like be I used to go by brain would task itself to go like, let me just be a little nicer and a little bit more put together and a little bit more helpful. And maybe I can earn their favor, and maybe they will like me, or maybe they'll invite me into the group or whatever it might be No, no, I'm just kind of like, maybe there's like peppermint. Or, you know, insert, I now know a lot more about myself, maybe they just don't like, such a peppy personality, I get that. I'm not everyone's jam. Just like peppermint isn't just like potatoes aren't okay. And when I look at it that way, it's not this massive character flaw. So what we used to do sometimes what we what we do is when we get hurt, because we're like, why don't they like me? Or we go, I think that they don't like me, but I don't know what I've done. Maybe there's something wrong with me. And instead of just going, maybe some people like you, some people don't some people like peppermint, some people don't. Yeah, just just facts, these are just, and they're not a big deal. And instead, when we don't understand that we make it a character flaw or a thing that's wrong with us or this like on this, we have this internal vision that we're on the on the x on this fringes of society, or degree kind of fit in, but we don't we convince ourselves that we're in this narrative, I'm just different from nobody really likes me. And I'm all alone. And you guys, I am one of the most social connected, I've always never had a problem making friends have tons of acquaintance, acquaintances and friends and almost like it, like, this is a strength of mine. And I want to tell you that I say that. It's not like, look at me, but so you know that when my brain is insecure, what it tells me is like, no one likes me. I'm all alone. They just tolerate me. I mean, I can come up with some narratives about how no one gets me, I don't really have any real friends. They're only including me because they feel bad. And they feel like they should, because they're friends with my husband. I mean, we can go. And the reality is I know that is just me, dramatizing. And feeling sorry for myself. None of it is true. Because I know that I I love people, I love connecting with people. And I know that some people absolutely feel blessed having me in their life, and that some people are just like, hey, it's cool to see.

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And that is, oh, Kay. There's nothing to change there. I want you to think about this, too. This has been really freeing something, something else to understand that's normal. Think about somebody that you don't particularly like, like, let's let's take away from the let's, let's move on from our food analogies or peppermint and potatoes. And think about someone you don't like now, how often do you actually think about them? And is your dislike negative? Or is it neutral? Because this is interesting, I have found that unless there's some like, you know, radical political figure who I disagree ethically with, and then there's a lot of articles about the person or they're on the news, I might be like, Oh, I don't like that i That's feels negative, but me and I kind of have to be inundated with all the negativity to get swept into the negativity swept into it. But when I think about something that I'm like, they seem pretty okay. I don't really like them. I don't think I feel drawn to be their friend or to include them or to pursue them or, like, it's just for me, it's quite neutral. And I say that because it's helpful to go, Oh, I think when we think we're unless we're not liked, or we're worried about what someone thinks we think we need to make them like us. We go, oh, they really don't like me. And they're thinking about me all the time. And they're talking about me, you guys. The reality is that when you don't like peppermint, you don't think about peppermint. I don't think about potatoes. And it's not that I don't like I don't have anything against potatoes, I'm learning to guess that people I feel neutral about it's just, I don't feel connected to them, there's not things that can, like There is chemistry between people there. And that's, that's, that is beautiful. And also when there's not chemistry between you and someone else. That's not there's nothing wrong with that. And so when you think about that person, you don't necessarily particularly like, does it really mean you don't like the person, or maybe you just don't enjoy them as much as you enjoy other people. And for maybe who cares what the reasons are, it's just just a little thing. Take note. And this should free you from the potential pressure you're putting on yourself to be liked to be cool to be accepted to be part of the group. I just want to know when you someone that when you think of someone that's kind of neutral to you, they're like, that's cool, they're here. But I don't know if I wouldn't mind them but I'm happy they're here. That's cool. I'm kind of just or you see them passing in the hallway or at class or at work you're like oh hey, there's so and so. That's it's not to do like them and you don't like them you don't not like them. It's neutral. Just took note of how little importance your thoughts and feelings about those people really have on your life. They take up No brain space. And if you have a thought about them, if you have a thought, that's negative that somebody, it's one thought, do you know that you have 60 to 80,000 thoughts a day. That is the tiniest sliver of a thought is a passing thought. And I also, like I had another thought today, maybe if I had a thought about a person today positive, or negative, or neutral. I also had a thought about my fluffy pillow here, I had a thought about if I should buy the next Burton step in bindings for my snowboard, I'd have thought about my Christmas lights outside and I thought about my new Christmas wreaths that came in and only two came in and seven. I just thought about my shoelaces today, because one was longer than the other. And I was wondering why like, Guys, this is this is these are what thoughts do they were so random, and there's so many of them. And so in there so me is having all these thoughts and they're thinking about the squirrel and the Christmas lights and what they're gonna have for dinner. And if they're, if their kid is having, you know, a good time at the friend's house, they also Oh, and then oh, so and so said that to me, I'm a little offended. And then the next thing goes in their in their brain. It's just just a passing thought. And here's the thing. The other thing to know that's normal is that your brain is going to want to be liked by others. This is our primitive brain on supercharge, it wants to be part of the crowd, and thinks that being excluded is compromised to survival because back then if you were out of the group, you're out on your own go hunt, go, like shelter in place like you needed that community. And now it's I'm not pleased, hear me clearly we need community. But it's not it's different. You not being liked by somebody. And also the amount of humans that we interact with now is in the 1000s. I mean, think about this, me just there are over a million people who have downloaded this podcast this year, a lot all around the world. Like the gift of technology is that we are all interconnected. But the challenge of it is that we then think that now that we're connected to all of these 1000s and 1000s of people, we need all of them to like us. And you guys, we're wired for intimate connection. So please know that it's okay that your brain wants to be liked. Like, I used to judge myself for this. I just be like, Man, am I like can't get past the middle school mentality here. What Why do I care that they liked me? And I think now it's, I'm able to be much kinder to myself and say, Trisha, it's okay, it's okay that you want them to like you. But remember, maybe they're still like peppermint. Right? Here's five things I want you to stop doing immediately. If you want to get free from caring too much what people think number one stop people pleasing, that is going to that people pleasing drives the cycle, we have a bunch of episodes on people pleasing. So scroll through our archives, you can find those at Trish blackwell.com Ford slash podcasts. And you can even search on my website type in people pleasing and a whole bunch of stuff that's going to come up go to Trish blackwell.com. So one stop people pleasing, because that just perpetuates this effort to try to get people to like you by you performing in a certain way. And here's the thing, you end up being fake and agreeing to things and having building resentment and not showing up as the person you actually are, which is the person you want them to like. So they can like the fake version of you the super polished, sophisticated, nice, never has any negative feelings version of you. But that's not real connection. Number two, stop indulging in the made up stories of your mind. We start thinking that somebody thinks this about us, and then they're probably thinking that we honestly, we think of stuff like they're probably think that I don't know, spend too much money on this. And they're judging that my hair wasn't done recently, and my route show too much. And they're thinking about my shoes, and they're not and that they're old. I wear these old ones to the gym, and they're judging me on my cellulite and that this and they're looking like we assume that people are picking us apart. And we tell ourselves these made up stories in our mind or we make up a story and we somehow get our feelings hurt because maybe we feel excluded or see that two friends went out we weren't included. And we make up a story that then they really secretly intentionally didn't include you. And that we guys, it is complete fiction is fiction and fantasy and we indulge in it too. And we make ourselves miserable. Instead of simply just assuming the best Hey, they probably had like they were really they had a connection and they really wanted to get get together or if they did exclude me. They probably didn't mean to probably felt that it was awkward. They wouldn't didn't know what how to include me. Okay, nothing's nothing's gone wrong here. Number three, stop assuming you're the only one who thinks about these things. I think sometimes it's even more isolating when you're like why do I struggle? Why do I want people to like me, why do I Why am I spending mental energy caring what they think and and then we then if that's not enough, then we judge ourselves and we criticize ourselves for being so focused on that. We're like, oh, I should be beyond this. I'm a 30 year old woman. I'm a you know, a 42 year old physician. I'm a doctor. I know more. It's not about how smart you are. It's not about how old you are. It's not about your experience. It's about just like accepting your humanity. It's okay to want to be liked. But that's an indicator. It doesn't need to be a dictator in your life. So I think the freedom here is this stop assuming that you're the only one that's thinking about these things, it just want to welcome into the fold of being a person who thinks about the things a lot. And it's okay. Okay, number four, stop pretending to be somebody you're not this goes in line with that people pleasing thing, when we start really wanting people like us, we become phonies. We thing interests and things that we don't really care about. Or we try to be more impressive to be cool. Or we I don't know, maybe, you know, maybe you you're a social smoker, and you don't actually like to smoke and you've been wanting to quit smoking, but you want to pretend that you're you, you you smoke because you have friends who smoke or drink or insert the thing that you're like, why am I doing this? This is not who I am, or I don't even like it. Stop pretending to be somebody you're not. Oh my gosh, it's so freeing. And my question for you is ask yourself, Am I in any area of my life pretending to be somebody that I'm not? Do some journaling on that. And the number five stop replaying every conversation and circumstance. I brought this one in because I actually had a thought just occurred to me yesterday, and I was replaying a conversation of something my mother in law said to me, that was said to me when Ellie was five months old, Ellie, my daughter is seven years old. It was six and a half years ago. And I remember something that she had said that was not meant to be hurtful at all. I took it a little hurtfully. And I experienced a when I thought about it yesterday, a wave of shame came over me. And it was like a parenting coma. But it was again, she said nothing wrong. If she said what she said was neutral and loving what I interpreted as was critical. And I don't know what I'm doing as a parent.

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And it's funny, your brain is going to just sometimes randomly come up with old thoughts. I haven't thought about this thing and years. And it wasn't even a thing. It was literally not a thing was an offhanded comment that I clung to. And I started replaying it in my mind of like, oh, maybe maybe I do talk too much about this. And maybe I am a little weird about this. Or maybe everybody thinks I'm a little bit too obsessed with my daughter or like, I mean, I my brain went to work. And my and so it just brought me back to remembering when it came up yesterday. I was like, Wait, why am I replaying this conversation? Conversation is done. And nobody else cares about it, let it go. And that's where you just need to call yourself out and go, I'm not going to replay conversations anymore. I'm not going to replay them. And I'm not going to relive them. They don't need to be relived and I'm going to choose how I want to move forward from that. But we perpetuate we overthink we we study Oh, what did they mean by this? And sometimes it didn't mean anything. Sometimes people say things offhandedly, because they're busy because they read like I think we just we can save ourselves such inner turmoil by just assuming the best of people. Assuming the best of the circumstance. I have a there's a really great book called The courage to be disliked. We also have a really great podcast episode will have the same title because it's based on that book by I'm probably going to mispronounce the names. You Shiro community and food, food comment food from attackee Koga. They wrote the book and it's incredible book and one of the quotes I wanted to share with you is the reason that so many people don't feel happy. While they're building up their success in the eyes of success of societies that they're living in competition, you feel like we are so often so happy or unhappy. Because we're living in competition thinking all eyes are on us. Or that there's a limitation to connections and networking and success. And so we so that's we we get over attached to carry people like us because we think popularity needs to be a competition it needs to be part of our success that we need people to like us. And and we none of that's true. You're not in competition with anybody but you. And the most important person who like you, is you. Now, I want to just pause for a moment to talk about why do we over attach to caring people like us? Well, we make it mean more than it does. We have never learned how to accept ourselves. And so we depend on it for others. So if you really want to break free, learn how to like yourself. And then and learn how to self affirm and self validate and then you won't need to get it from other people. And you'll you'll find that the more you like yourself, the more other people will like you because the more you like yourself the more you you will be. You're not going to continue to be a watered down version of somebody else or a metamorphosis or a chameleon you know always Changing version of somebody else. We get attached to that kind of like a rag doll to people's whims, and we get addicted to the drama of it. And I just remember you remind you how quickly people's opinions change. Look at Kancil culture. And some of the people, the most famous people in the world who are super liked, get dropped. And I don't say that to be like, it's alarming. And it's unfair to the human, just the human experience to go up, you're no longer worthy as a human. Like, we've can't like what's because we've worship people and in these levels of popularity and influence, and anytime you like when we shouldn't be worshipping people, right? But becomes dangerous and becomes, but it's when you look at how many people like people and then they quickly change their mind because of some news article made up are true. It's really interesting. Remind, just to remind you that people's opinions are like the wind, you cannot control it, and you cannot catch it. So don't put your worth and their opinions. And I also am so encouraged when I think of somebody who I think is epic, like Shakira, like, or I don't know, my one of my heroes, Christine Caine. And when I asked someone I'm like, oh, you know, Shakira, right? They're like, who? I mean, I've heard her name and like, how what? I'm sorry? How do you not like Shakira? Or like Christine Caine? You might be like, hope? And like, how does the world how does anybody not know who she is? I think she's, like, just magnificent. And I love that you can look at people with 1214 20 100 100 million followers. And then realize there are other people who have no idea who that person says, never heard the name. And so there's so many people out there, or by the way, when someone knows secure and they're like, Ah, I don't like her. I'm like, What, again? Or Beyonce? You're like, no, they don't like her. Yes, I like her adults seem they big, big names, and you're gonna have lots of people like them, lots of people don't. How encouraging is that? We also we also over attached to caring of people like us, because we allow the perceived our own perceived rejection of someone not liking us to create a strong negative emotions that feel overpowering, we get defensive, we get critical, we get jealous, we get obsessed, when we go back into action of people pleasing, versus the action of managing our emotions and allowing ourselves to feel feelings, but then realize we're not actually being rejected. We're just not meant to be connected with that person right now. But we can continue to show up as ourselves. And I want to remind you this, what it means if someone doesn't like you, is nothing, it doesn't mean anything. They simply often don't think about you or maybe there's just not this chemistry, or maybe they really don't like you, and there would be nothing you could do to change it. Now, here's the real question here is does it matter if they like you? Why, if you think it does, and why not. And I want to challenge you, because I know that in my past, I might at times go it does matter because this person is my professor or this person is my boss. And when they don't like me, it makes things harder for me. Even in those scenarios, I want to argue with you that it still doesn't matter. It still isn't as much of a handicap as you think it is. Because there's still other people who will like you, there's still other doors that will open that are still there. I've had Professor not like me and I he made me a better student because of that, and I still excelled. And even though I was angry about the process of that, I have become more resilience and powerful and, and self assured of what I was pursuing because of his pushback because of his harsh criticism. Because of that, so so even if you were like, but it does, I want it to be easier. So maybe it's not maybe your path isn't meant to be easier in that way. What if it's for your good. Now, I also want to propose to you today that you already know what to do. So at one time in your life, you haven't cared? Well, you might be asking yourself, what's the magic way to just not care what people think? Well, most of us, at some point, have mastered this at one point in our life. And I share that because if you can do it in one area of your life, you can do it in other areas. What I mean identify a time when you didn't care what someone thought about you. Now maybe it was when you were a kid and the other soccer team you played against you didn't care with it. Other kids on the team thought about you you're just trying to beat them. You didn't care if they thought you were pushing out there. You didn't care if they thought you were better than them. You like you. You didn't care about their opinions. They were the other team. Right? How about the opinion that your mom had when she disagreed with your style? When she didn't like your bathing suit when she didn't like your shirt when she was like oh, you're gonna hurt though. Here's why do you listen to this music and you're like, you know, a raging teenager like because I love it, I get it. And your mom didn't. She was like, I think your music stinks. We're like, okay, don't care, like, love you. Thank you for your opinion. It's okay. Right? Or the mean kids. What about the mean, kids were mean to everyone. And so they when they were mean to you, we were like, This is the mean kid. Or I know that I really was able to help this myself in this area of thinking about it was how I manage so many people, I had so many up to about 60 employees at one time that I was managing in my 20s. And, and even like, early 20s, when I was manually managing summer pools, and guys, I had a lot of lazy employees, because it's just just how percentages work. And so I really didn't care what the lazy employees unmotivated, people who worked with me thought about me. I didn't care what they thought about the schedule I made didn't care what they thought about their paycheck didn't care. No, for the people who put in effort. Who said Trish, I want to grow Trish, I want to do excellent work. Like Trish, thank you for the opportunity to work for you Trish. I have had about attitude. I want to Oh man, I'm all in on people who want to grow, but people who just want to get paid because they should clock in. I don't care what you think, like, think I'm the worst boss ever call me whatever names you want. I have standards, right? I have standards to the workplace. I was for the mentorship I was doing in the community I was building within the teams that I let. And so I when I realized I was like, wait, I am really good at not caring what people think. Because the people that I knew their opinion didn't matter.

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I would just love them and smell them and be like, I know you despise me. And it's only because I'm i You're lazy. And you're not making any effort and you just want to get by and I'm not letting you write. And how about other kids. If you were super high achiever, you probably didn't care what the kids you were competing against with grades thought of you, right? So practice having the courage to be disliked by remembering that you've had the courage in the past to be disliked, because you've just been neutral about it. In certain scenarios. I have a couple of power statements I want you to try on. And these try these on to start really practice letting go of making this desire for people like you. A couple power statements are here. I like me, and it's okay. If they don't, they might just not like peppermint. That's their loss. When you tell me you don't like peppermint sticks. I'm like, Hey, your loss friends. Our Elf on the Shelf played like messed around with it. We keep our peppermint sticks in this jar, right one of them in that jar. And our elf on the shelf messed with them. Well, I actually bought a couple and birthed them into pieces. And my kids love these peppermint sticks. And the next day they were like, our elfs name is jingle. And they said jingle ate all the bit off the peppermints and there was saliva on one guys. They are convinced that he has eaten every single one of them put his elf slavery slobber on everyone. And now they're like, I'm not gonna eat a peppermint stick and I was like, okay, that's your loss. Your loss my when that's okay. You're the one missing out. The same thing when someone's like, I just, you know, when they don't like you, but you like you. You can truly go, Hey, that's their loss. They don't know what they're missing out on my friendship. They don't know what they're missing out. By getting me like, like, right, we can read it. I mean, crossline this all applies to dating relationships. We're like, why does this person not connect with me? why don't why did they like girls like that? No, girls like me. It's just their preference that just don't like peppermint. And it's their loss because you're still a catch. Or how about this, I'm in my lane. I'm in my own lane of life. If someone doesn't like my lane, they can switch lanes. I love it when I drive with my mom. I mean, I love it and hate it when I drive my mom who's 70 It's not often because she lives in Florida now. But we drove recently somewhere two miles. And I was like beside myself, Mom, you're driving 10 miles under the speed limit. What are we doing? Like mom like not? Did you know it's more dangerous to drive slowly than to do tend to speed that you are endangering yourself on the road by driving under the speed limit? And she said, I don't care. That's like, Oh, man. This is such good. This is such good coaching. She goes they can go round me. I'm a stay at my pace. I like my lane. And you know, aside from the fact that I really do think driving under the speed limit is dangerous, which I continue to do encourage her to go at least the speed limit. She does have a point. I'm in my lane. There's another lane. They can go around me or if there's not another lane they can wait the 45 seconds they need to wait to then pass me. Right. She's retired she's not thinking the way I'm thinking but it's beautiful. Another two other people waffled are not very eloquently phrased. But these will be helpful as well. And I've got these in the show notes. By the way, you can grab the show notes at Trish blackwell.com Ford slash five to six for episode 526. Hey, they probably don't think about me. I'm just neutral in their mind, and that's okay. And another one was is that I like his hay. I like being myself. And I like people who are themselves. When you feel like you're feeling pressure to be different, or you're overthinking, I don't encourage you just simply to tell yourself This simple statement. I like being me. I like being Trish. Say your name. When you start criticizing yourself and thinking you're too nerdy. You're too this you're too interested in that. Whatever you're, you're critiquing yourself on, go back and be like, You know what I like being made. I like what makes me weird like this. It's crazy how powerful and freeing that feels you'll feel relief, kind of in like an exhalation all over your body. So resources to continue this conversation. I've got two podcast episodes that you absolutely need to listen to if you've not yet. And that is episode 477 The courage to be disliked. And then episode 516 being different from others. So that's 477 the courage to be disliked and 516 being different from others. And then of course, you can get instant access to my free masterclass. I have a whole masterclass on this, on how to stop caring what people think. Go to Trish blackwell.com forward slash free class to get that, hey, our listener that episode is Melissa Dickinson. She said, Hey, Trish, I hope you are well I listen to you here in the UK and your light shines all the way across the Atlantic, it feels every time I listen to a new podcast, you've been reading my mind and it relates to my struggles. I've been through a difficult time with menopause and all and had lost all direction. But with your podcast and with a therapist, I've come out of the other side and started wait for it guys a menopause business and a mentor that because my friend, I think that is a huge need. Huge need. The season of menopause, any season of change and transition is overwhelming. Our brains go on, start going on on like supercharged and super drive and we feel uncertain. And so I'm so proud that you're taking the work, you're doing your work yourself, and then you are paving the way to help other women. That is, that's amazing. You're living the dream, you're building the dream, and you're creating healing and tools and an encouragement for others. And I'm just so honored to get to be a part of your journey part of your story. And I can't wait to see where he goes. I can't wait. I would challenge you, Melissa and anyone else who has a business to ask yourself alright, how many people did I impact positively this year? Through my work paid and unpaid, right? People who you who read your blog posts, and then people who paid you and put a number to it and then ask yourself? Could you 10x that next year? Could you to max that like what for the next year? How many people do want to encourage how many people do want to be moved and inspired or have filled with hope with your work? Whether or not they pay you it doesn't it's not about the what you make, it's about the influence you have. And so let's start is casting a vision. I mean, because there are 8 billion people in the world. And let's just do simple math. Let's say that there's 4 billion women, that's a lot of women. There's probably about a billion of them going through menopause right now. A lot of people to help. And that's exciting. Because I hope this was an encouraging episode for you don't forget, I cannot wait to see you on the 29th of December go to Trish blackwell.com forward slash 2023. That's 2023 Trish blackwell.com forward slash 2023. One more reminder. In 2023, the cost of the College of confidence is going up by $30 don't overpay get in now go to college incompetence.com You will sign up at our lowest rate and then you'll have that rate locked in as long as you don't cancel, we will not raise that rate on you. It will be an entirely different year. If you have my courses, my coaching and this amazing, most encouraging community on the planet in your pocket, and that's what you get with the COC. So go to college competence.com To find out more guys, I love you. I hope you have an amazing day. Whether you're listening and finishing up a walk finishing up a run finishing up your dishes, whatever it might be driving in the car on your way to work. Make it a great day. Make it a day filled with gratitude. Be thankful for who God made you when you learn to just believe that you are God's masterpiece that gives you right there permission to like yourself and if you will Like you, you can let go of making everyone else like you as well. It is freeing, easier said than done, but the work is worth it to lean into it do this work, keep going get access to my master class Trish blackwell.com forward slash free class that

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will be a great start and want you to know I believe in you. Go out there today go be more of who God created you to be.

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Be you. Be free. If you loved today's episode or the confidence podcast, I invite you to check out the College of confidence at college confidence.com. The COC is where your next step is. In the COC we cultivate confidence create courage and spark change. It takes everything we do here on the podcast to the next level, and our members get crazy life changing results. I'm so confident that you will find that the COC is the most encouraging place on the internet, and that it will so wildly exceed your expectations that it comes with a money back guarantee hate joining is completely risk free you owe it to your future self to take your growth to the next level by coaching with me in the COC. Join me today at culture confidence.com

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