HOW TO BE NICE TO YOURSELF INSTEAD OF HARD ON YOURSELF
Do you often find yourself putting undue pressure on yourself to achieve more, accomplish goals faster, and be perfect? If so, it’s time to start being nicer to yourself. As high-achieving women entrepreneurs, there comes a point when we have to come face-to-face with our own self-imposed limitations and challenge those self-defeating beliefs by exhibiting some much-needed kindness towards ourselves. It’s difficult but essential if we want to truly live up to the highest potential of who we are capable of becoming. In this podcast, I am going to provide tips for how you can become better at being nice – not only for your own well-being but also as paths that will lead us closer to fulfilling our ambitions.
In this week’s episode of The Confidence Podcast, we’re chatting about:
- How to Stop Beating Yourself Up
- Shifting from Doubting Yourself / Dumbing Down Your Potential to Believing in Yourself
- Seeing Yourself as You Would Your Best Friend
REVIEW OF THE WEEK:
Great Thought Work
I found your podcast while trying to gain confidence learning to play golf. Now I listen often because you help me see ways I can improve my life in every aspect including my affect on others. Thank you.
HOW TO STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP
Join us for our Stop Beating Yourself Up Workshop
You have to be a member of the COC to get access.
If this is something you struggle with, it’s worth you getting access to this coaching.
It could very well be what changes the entire narrative of how you talk to yourself the rest of your life – and your ability to break the patterns of self-criticism and self-disappointment.
Join at www.collegeofconfidence.com
We’re coaching live – with real life scenarios – on how to shift from self-criticism to self-compassion on Wednesday 12/21 … now is the time to get in.
SHIFTING FROM DOUBTING ONESELF TO BELIEVING IN ONESELF
- Stop being afraid to take risks.
- Have the courage to be committed.
- Believe in the life you are creating not the life you have now.
1. Get to Know Yourself
The first step to stop doubting yourself is to get to know yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What do you like and don’t like? What makes you happy and what makes you sad? The more you know about yourself, the easier it will be to accept yourself for who you are.
2. Be mindful of your thoughts
Be aware of the thoughts that go through your head on a daily basis. Are they positive or negative? Do they make you feel good or bad about yourself? If you find that you’re having a lot of negative thoughts, try to replace them with positive ones.
3. Don’t compare yourself to others
One of the main reasons people doubt themselves is because they compare themselves to others. But the truth is, everyone is unique and has their own set of skills and talents. So instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on your own unique qualities and what makes you special.
4. Practice self-compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and compassion that you would show to a good friend. If you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead, learn from it and move on.
5. Surround yourself with supportive people
Surround yourself with people who believe in you and who will support you on your journey. These people will help to boost your confidence and remind you of your worth when self-doubt starts to creep in.
6. Don’t make the doubt a problem
Doubt is part of the human experience – it’s not a problem unless you make it one.
7. Imagine simply saying “no thank you” to fear.
Doubt is part of the human experience – it’s not a problem unless you make it one.
God is with me and He guides me, I will not have fear.
I will refuse it when it’s offered to me at the table – like potatoes, no thank you.
BUILD BELIEF ON PURPOSE:
We build belief by taking risks.
We create belief by showing ourselves that we’re capable.
We scale belief by tapping into our braveness – and self-identifying as courageous
Make courage your go-to decision, and do things that you are afraid to do.
The more you do this, the more you are training your mind to be BOLD by default. Boldness becomes you. Boldness is what you do..
Rule your mind or it will rule you.” – Horace
“Often, in the real world, it’s not the smart who get ahead, it’s the bold.” -Robert Kiyosaki
“Fortune favors the bold.” – Virgil
Freedom lies in being bold. -Robert Frost
People of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things. -Leonardo Da Vinci
This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/confidencepod and get on your way to being your best self.
Sometimes I wish I just had an owner manual for life – and for parenting – but unfortunately, life doesn’t come with a user manual. So when it’s not working for you, it’s normal to feel stuck. Therapy can help you get unstuck. BetterHelp has connected over 3 million people with licensed therapists. It’s convenient, secure, and accessible anywhere — 100% online. The combination of therapy and coaching was life-changing for me, as you probably have read about in my latest book, Straighten Your Crown. Finding the right therapist and getting started can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t need to. With Betterhelp, just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren’t clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn’t be simpler. No waiting rooms. No traffic. No endless searching for the right therapist.
Get unstuck, with BetterHelp. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at Better Help dot com slash confidencepod. That’s better HELP—H – E – L – P—dot com slash confidencepod.
SEEING & BEING YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND
Think about your best friend.
Think about Firefly Lane – Tully and Kate.
Think about how you cheer on those you love.
You know how to do this.
Practice turning it on yourself.
Now – why do we get distracted from doing this?
We lean into worrying about not being enough.
We spend our energy looking at what other people have instead of enjoying what we have been given.
The Parable of the Talents gives me tremendous peace.
What would happen if you just did your best with what has been given to you.
I’m talking total ownership of your life.
Matthew 25:23, NIV
His master replied, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share in your master’s happiness!”
Get to know yourself.
Celebrate the weird stuff you love.
Have fun with yourself – do things you love and that make you come alive.
Practice indulgent self-care.
Buy yourself gifts.
Build yourself up with words of encouragement.
Talk to yourself and remind yourself of who you are.
Take adventures with yourself (in your mind – with your idea of what you can do in the future)
BELIEVE IN THE LIFE YOU ARE CREATING, NOT THE LIFE YOU HAVE NOW.
#517: Permission for Happiness
#501: Feeling Better About Yourself When You’re Self-Critical
#424: How to Think Like a Happy Person
#430: How to Make a Good Life a Great Life
#483: Self-Validation – The Art of Not Needing Others to Tell You “Good Job”
You're listening to the confidence podcast, your favorite coaching podcast oozing with motivation, inspiration, and confidence to help you boldly take action on your dreams. I'm your host, Trish Blackwell, internationally recognized Confidence Coach, Best Selling Author and founder of the College of Confidence, the most encouraging place on the internet. I teach go getters in life, how to take your thoughts captive, how to step out of the shadows of self doubt, and how to courageously step into their purpose. With competence. It's time to pump our competence muscles and train our thoughts, y'all. Let's get started. Hey, guys, it's Trish Blackwell. And you're listening to the confidence Podcast, episode 525. And we're talking about a subject that I have struggled with so much of my life as somebody who's wired the way I am. And if you're anything like me, if you've ever found that I resonate with you, we have some similarities and some, some common thought patterns, behaviors, you're probably gonna like this episode as well. That is, this is for those higher tears. This is for those of you who put pressure on yourself. This is for those of us who were perfectionist growing up we are now in recovery. We know how to push ourselves, we know how to strive, we know how to have high expectations and to, to shift ourselves into discipline and, and just go all in for whatever's required. We know how to be nice to everyone else. But we don't always know how to be nice to ourselves. And the thing is about so many of these concepts that I coach on. And the reason I'm so passionate about them is because when I was so deep in the pain, of feeling like I could never get my brain to work for me that my brain was always working against me. And not for me that I was, it was achieving things. And I had this perfect life on paper, and yet it felt miserable inside. And I remember looking at other people and fantasizing about what their brains were thinking about how they probably weren't worrying about the same ridiculous things that I was, how they knew how to chill and be nice to themselves and not always be beating themselves down. So I it's one of those things when I started going well, how do I change this? People? The answers and the answers I found on Google and the answers I found in books were just practice self compassion. I'm like, Okay, thanks. How? Right now, it was very much the same as when I was swimming. And, you know, had these high Olympic expectations put on me at a young age was on track for the Sydney games. I mean, we're talking back in 2000. Yes, yes, I am. I am very much dating myself. And every coach I've had every coach I've had in any sport, said, Well, your potential is ridiculous. Whoa, your work ethics ridiculous. And so I would perform, I would achieve, I rise up the ranks, so to speak, and then I lose my belief, then I would overthink. And Coach after coach set. Tricia, stop overthinking. What I want you to do is I want you to go in this race and not think and I was like, okay, so you're telling me to think about not thinking how do I do that? And no one could answer me. And that is why I love helping athletes. Now I have the answers. Now I know how to tell it to you. I have the strategies, the methodologies, the ways the methods to turn your brain off, so that you can go into a place of trust, I know what to help an athlete with training and throughout the season, and what words they can, what new beliefs and power statements they can use, so that they trust their training so that they trust themselves so that they don't, they don't crumble in the pressure. And so this concept is the same. I remember being so self critical, and I had had mentor after mentor just very lovingly say, just be nice to yourself. I was like, Okay, can you I don't know how that looks. I don't know how to do that. So if you find yourself if you're someone who's found yourself putting undue pressure on yourself to achieve more, to accomplish goals, to accomplish goals faster, and to be perfect or to be better, then it's time to start being nicer to yourself. One of the ways we take the pressure out is we poke a hole in the balloon. And as high achieving listeners I know you are there has to come to a point we have to come face to face with our with our own self imposed limitations and challenge the self defeating beliefs by exhibiting some much needed kindness towards ourselves, because it's difficult, but it's essential if we truly want to live up to our highest potential of who we're capable of becoming. So in this podcast, I'm going to provide tips on how you can be better at being nice, not only for your well being but also as a path that will lead you closer to the fulfillment of your ambitions. And if you think about it, it's it's difficult to do. But it helps it's essential for you to live up to the highest potential athletically. You athletes perform better, when they're, it's joyful when it's exciting when it's a game, when there's a, there's this initial dialogue of let's see what I can achieve. But when it shifts to pressure dialogue, I have to do really well there choke so that's the distinction I didn't know how to do but but you can be driven you can still work hard, you can still have massively high expectations and be nice to yourself along the way. That's what I want you to take away from today. So we're going to be talking about how to stop beating yourself up how to shift from doubting yourself and dumbing down your potential to believing in yourself and how to see yourself as you would your best friend because I think one of the core ways that's been helpful for me to be nice to myself is to start treating myself the way it would treat some of my best friends my my friend Melissa my friend mo my friend, Angie, my friend, Caroline, my friend, the Phil no twins, my like the like, there are certain core people in my life. I'm like, I would never I would never allow them to say that to themselves. I I am they're like, number one fans. I just think the world of that. And I started asking myself what if I started talking to myself the way I think about them?
Right, and this is something we practice it feels weird. It feels awkward. You're like this is just a but it works. So don't knock it until you try it. Okay. Hey, before we dive into the coaching, I want to let you know we our review of the week is from Jacqueline see she said just great thought work Jacqueline, thank you for our might be Jacelyn I'm sorry, thank you for writing a review. Here's what you said I found your podcast while trying to gain confidence learning to play golf. Speaking of sports girl, like I didn't, I didn't even know that was coming. Now I listened often because you helped me see the ways I can improve my life in every aspect, including my effect on others. Thank you, Sister, thank you for sharing. And I'm so glad that you can use the what we teach in this podcast for your life but also for your support because I love sports so much. Because it's this sort of microcosmic example of life. And if you can practice these life skills and these characteristics in these thought patterns and these the practice of believing yourself in sport or any achievement of any goal that matters to you, you can then translate it and transfer it to your overall larger picture of life. It's such a great place to practice what matters the most. The other super important announcement that I've got to let you guys know is that we are doing something special that have never done before. It's at the end of December and it is called the 2023 Confident year master planning workshop. That's a that's that's a mouthful but here's here's what it is. It Nobody said success is easy. And but with the right plan and the right belief patterns, anything is possible if you're looking for a roadmap to success or step by step guide to actually reach your goals and not just think about your goals, not to give up on your goals. If you're looking to achieve your goals in 2023 Look no further what we're going to be doing on Thursday. December 29 is a 2023 Confident year master planning session so I'm going to provide the necessary tools and strategies for you to create your very own master plan and I'm going to help you get there even faster. In the past I have offered this in the past but I've offered it as a one on one experience. I charged $1,000 for that in the past let's see the past three years we did that they always booked up. I was maxed at 10 people that I could take and I decided to share I was going to make it one available to more people and at an exclusive never offered before discounted price. You get two hours of this master coaching session live the interactive coaching with me the masterclass replay a 24 page workbook all that I used to charge $1,000 For just one payment of $97 this is what you have been waiting for it to make sure that next year is the best that it can be in 2023 Go and find out all that you need to do grab your spot at Trish blackwell.com Ford slash 2023 Okay, let's dive into how to stop beating yourself up let's talk about how to be nice to yourself. And we start with when deciding to be this tiny to be a nice person through and through and consistent right. I have done a lot of episodes on this. I'm going to link all those episodes at the end of the episode in the here. So when you go to the shownotes you'll find those at Trish blackwell.com Ford slash five to five because I want you to know you're not alone. Our self our our episodes on self criticism, our episodes on putting pressure on yourself our episodes on feeling behind and like you're not doing enough, those are our most listened to episodes. And I find that encouraging, I find it encouraging that you're not alone. And I also want to remind you that this pressure doesn't work, the undue pressure the the I need to earn self care I need to earn. And you might be thinking self care, well, I don't want to take a bath Trish, like that's not the self kindness and self compassion that we're talking about. Now, sometimes it might look like a bath. And sometimes it might be cutting your workout in half. Sometimes that might be slowing down your pace of the day. Sometimes self compassion might be staying at the pace and the and you're rocking things out knocking things off the park accomplishing things like a boss, and pushing away every comparative thought pushing away every critical thought reframing every thought of exhaustion and just having the compassion to say it to cheer yourself on and say look at me crush it today. Right? So because self compassion and being nice to yourself, go it's not just I'm gonna go and Zen and go have an hour of prayer time with God or go meditate for an hour. Sometimes it might be that and sometimes it might be you know what today, I bought it. Like, I crushed it in my workplace. I crushed it with my time management, my workout was amazing. I've eaten in a way that builds me up and makes me feel incredible. I've connected with the people I love the most I've parented Well, I am going to celebrate that I am going to say well done, I'm going to go pour myself a glass of champagne tonight and say, girl, this is the life, self compassion and being nice yourself is also the act of cheering yourself on. But in general, when we start shifting from doubting, and to be nice to yourself, we also what we do is it opens up the floodgates to believing in yourself. It being nice to yourself, learning how to be a friend yourself is the key that opens the doors of belief of self belief. But we've got to get out of doubt, to get into belief. But remember, the doubt is not going to disappear. The doubts not a problem. Having doubt having self doubt, is part of the human experience. And we'll talk about that in a second. But I want you I want to encourage you to stop being afraid to take risks, have the courage to be committed to what matters to you. And then we go to a place of self belief. And to be nice to ourselves about what we're creating, by believing in the life that we're creating, not the life we have now. I'm gonna repeat that to believe in a life you are creating, not the life you have now. I think about my best friends. I believe in the life they're creating. There's a couple there's there's a few friends that I have that are haven't yet are either are divorced and remarried or haven't yet married and are waiting for their soulmate and to meet this perfect partner for them in life. And I have so much confidence in that person that they that they don't yet they haven't met. I have so much belief in God's timing I have so much I can I see their lives because I love my friends so dearly. I see what a catch they are see how incredible they are in the world, the light they make the difference they make. And I know what kind of partner they would make, what kind of parent they would make and, and I just I'm like so excited about the life that they haven't had. I'm excited about their life now. But also, because I see nothing but good. I see that. So that's how we think about our friends often. But when we think about ourselves, we're like, Well, I hope it keeps going well. I hope this works out for me, you guys, we've got to get out of a place of hope. Hope is not faith. Not in this context. Stop hoping that your life is going to work out how you want it and decide that it will decide that you have the power to create the future that you want. Those people who are living lives of their dreams aren't just lucky. They've made decisions. Right? Like I think I think it's really important to slow down and realize that your future is up to you. We sometimes feel so victimized by circumstances in life and well I just can't control you can control a lot more than you think you can. And it starts with your thoughts. But let me get back to let me get back to shifting out of the self doubt out of the beating yourself up. I want you to get to know yourself. One of the first steps to stop doubting is to get to know yourself. Know what your strengths or weaknesses are, know what you like and you don't like what makes you happy. What makes you sad? Because the more you know about yourself, the easier it will be to accept yourself for who you are. When you know you just absolutely love something and it's undeniable. You're able to support that in yourself. Right over that you guys have you know this by now if you've been listening, but I am ridiculously obsessed with snowboarding. I don't know. For me it's almost like a spiritual experience I, I feel so connected to God when I'm on the mountain I feel so there's this serenity and peace for me. It's very chilled but also active, which is like the perfect combo. I spent all year cutting down planning outs and my snowboarding trips. And I used to think that was silly. I only picked up snowboarding in my 30s I used to think it was ridiculous. And then I also then was like, Oh man, I like it more than my husband, this is gonna be a problem. And then it just decided that it wasn't a problem. In fact, I'm supposed to take the kids snowboarding tomorrow, I'm gonna pull them from school. We're gonna sneak up to the drive for three or four hours just a day trip we're gonna go up. I mean, that's what I'll do. I love it so much. I'm gonna wake up at five to drive my kids in the dark to be first on the slopes. Which because it's we're able to get out there sooner than the the mountains that are closer to us.
That's what you do when you love. Now I thought about it. Me and my husband has to work. Should we do this as a family? I don't care. I mean, yes, I'd love him to come but what I know what it makes me happy. And you know, it makes me even happier. Sharing snowboarding with my children doing it alongside them laughing together playing on the mountain. It's so once I gave myself permission to like this just lights me up. I don't overthink it anymore. I don't think all people don't think Trish, aren't you? You're almost 40 Should you really still be this obsessed with it? Yeah, no, because I only started when I was 30. Right? Like, stop apologizing. But when you know what you like and you don't like you can accept it. You can embrace it, you can chase it. Now next next thing that's going to help you step out of doubting yourself is to be mindful of your thoughts. Be aware of the thoughts that go through your head on a daily basis. Horace Horace said, master your mind or your mind will master you I actually I might be paraphrasing, I believe the quote says rule your mind or your mind will rule you. It is our our personal obligation. It's our personal responsibility to be serious about what we think about to take our thoughts seriously and to slow down enough to think about what we think about. And it's actually not as time consuming as you might think is five minutes of journaling. The journal a journal is your is a journey into your interior. It is the basis of all growth. And it helps you see what is it that you're actually thinking what is that that you're actually feeling and help you deconstruct that. If you don't know how to journal, I've got a ton of resources on it, go check out my my website, Trish blackwell.com. I got some great blogs there on that. And then of course, we have journal courses, and we a lot of the core of what we teach in the COC is effective next, leveling your journaling life and starting it off and then taking it to the next level. So of course, come and join us in the COC college a confidence.com. But but being mindful, uh No, no, whether they're helpful or they're not helpful, learn how to talk back to them. That's where that's where your change is going to happen. And then the the help that is perpetuating you. And the doubt that is creating more criticisms, the doubt that you're allowing to run wild. It's like a wild like toddler running around throwing a tantrum that's not being directed or corrected or loved or whatever parent positive parenting method you want to employ. It's just, it's ignoring the the tantrum and the child that needs attention or needs love. And our thoughts sometimes are like that, we go and we go into a place of comparison or jealousy and self doubt. And then we indulge in self pity or and how hard it's going to be and we get overwhelmed. And then we we sort of go down this and it feels very intense and very heavy and very high. For me, there's no other word for the for the feeling that pressured and pressure can choke you out. And so we've got to reel it back in. And we do that by just asking ourselves is this true? We do that by starting to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding and compassion, that in the same way that you would show to a friend, and that we start saying if I make a mistake, I'm not going to beat myself up. Instead, I'm going to learn from it and move on. I'm going to move on to surround yourself with supportive people. That's that's where the change starts to become. And remember, doubt isn't a problem unless you make it one. See, I used to think I'll just because I'm having doubt it means I'm not totally confident than I'm not totally confident. I'm not going to do well here. And now I've learned that the doubt in my mind is never going to go away. It's part of the human experience. It's part of how a human brain works. My brain is always trying to protect me. And so it's always going to offer me a thought that says Trish Are you sure? This might not work out? And that's all it is. And then now rather than going oh no, maybe that's right. Maybe I'm not ready. I go hey, brain. Thanks. Thanks for being on the lookout. I'm still gonna give it a go. Remember, as long as you have more confidence than you have doubt you have enough confidence. So 49% of your brain about something that's thinking I don't know. But 51% says I've got this friend you have all you need. Dude, like, seriously, you're confident enough. And as you start practicing paying attention to your thoughts, and practicing, being nice yourself and encouraging to yourself, and that you practice catching your thoughts, when you beat yourself up, the more you do that the louder the internal voice of confidence is going to be. And belief is going to be unkindness will be, and the lower the volume is going to be turned down of the doubt of the fear of the negativity. And it's crazy, because what you are thinking about entirely changes your human experience of life. Because your thoughts create your emotions and your emotions are where we create action from the action that comes from an emotion of confidence from emotion of this is going to be fun, is so crazy. It's the difference of the level of effectiveness. And the the immensity of enjoyment, is incomparable to that when you're like, I have to go do this. And you can just think about this. And let's say you want to go for a run. And it's the perfect fall day and the leaves are beautiful, and you can't wait to see New Year's. You imagine yourself just the endorphins coming and how proud you're going to be with with the mileage you did. You look forward to it, it feels good. The whole experience is easy. You feel like you're sort of in that runner's high, we're just floating as you trot along. It's gorgeous. But then what if it's a busy day, and you're gonna have to do a run? Oh, okay. And then you like squeeze it in, and you don't. And then you Your thought is, I don't feel like it's gonna be hard. But it will take it from me, it becomes twice as hard. And then it's like, you get to one mile. And you think, oh, it's only been one mile so hard. I wish it didn't have to do this. I wish I was just, you know, naturally, blah, blah, blah, whatever. You guys, our thoughts change our experience of things. A thought is just a thought. It's the thought that you double down on that creates the emotion experience. And one of the things I think it's been really helpful for me, as I've learned, so one of the reasons I was so self critical, one of the reasons that compelled me, things that compel me to continue to double down and beat myself up and never think it was enough, was because I thought if I loosened up, I was afraid I had a fear that if I didn't put so much pressure on myself, and it didn't keep beating myself up and doubting myself in bullying myself that maybe I'd stopped trying or stopped caring. And I want to let you know something that one of my therapist said to me at one point, she said, Trish, it is not in your blood to not care you literally like when you care that much. There's no way you can go. I was so afraid of the pendulum swinging like 180 degrees the other way, just not possible. And more proposed to you today. That's the clinging on to the fear that you're going to stop caring or stop trying. That is you're still choosing to live your life from a place of fear. And we have a choice in life. Do you want to live with fear as your guide, or faith, fear or courage, fear or love? And I want you to imagine simply saying, No thank you to fear. You know, I love I love spending time in the Bible and one of the one of the things and whether or not you read the Bible, or even if you share the same faith as me, this is gonna resonate for you. And it's that in Scripture, God says over and over, do not fear I am with you. Do not fear I am with you. He reassures us hundreds of times. Have no fear. I am with you do not be afraid I am with you. And it's interesting. I realized the other day I was doing some journaling and I had this revelation. That fear is offered to me all the time. But just because it's offered to you, doesn't mean you have to accept it. Now bear with me. I don't like potatoes, but they get offered to me a lot is weird. Did you like Do you want some potato salad? Do you want some french fries? My husband was like, Hey, should we have some baked potatoes today? I'm like, I hate like, I don't even not like potatoes because it's like a health thing. I just don't like potatoes. I've never liked them even as a kid. Now sweet potatoes. They got my heart, potato potatoes. Oh, like, you can give me you like cherish these French fries or to die for I just like maybe if you pay me $1 To eat them. I might have one. But I just don't like them. And so if I'm sitting at the table, even that come to your house and you're like, Hey, would you like some potatoes? I'm like, oh, gosh, thanks so much. But no thanks. I'm going to say no thank you to what is offered to me because I truly don't want it. I don't want it. I don't like it. I don't want it in my life. I want to propose to you today that when you think about fear and doubt you can simply say when it's offered your brain is going to offer it to you. And you go hey, no thanks. And then when they offer again don't be alarmed that you get offered it again. Oh, no thanks. Right. I have my husband doesn't love why And I do. I every time I pour a glass of wine, I always say, Hey, babe, do you want a glass of wine? He always says, yeah, no thanks. But I will still offer because I liked the idea of him. Sometimes every now and then, every now and then he said, Yes. I love that sharing a glass with him. But just because I'm offering doesn't mean he has to say yes. However, you don't have to say yes to what your brain always offers you. Guys, I gotta take a quick break. For a word from our sponsor, this episode is brought to you by better help, give online therapy a try better help.com forward slash competence pod and get on your way to being your best self. Sometimes I wish I was given the owner's manual, just tell me exactly what to do for life and for parenting and for achieving goals. But
unfortunately, life doesn't come with that. So when life's not working for you, it's normal to feel stuck. therapy can help you get unstuck, better help us connected over 3 million people. That's a lot of people, guys with licensed therapists. It's convenient, secure and accessible anywhere 100% online. You guys know this, that the combination of therapy and life coaching was entirely life changing for me. You probably read about that in my book, or heard about on episode 444. And I need you to know that finding the right therapist and getting started. I know it can feel overwhelming. But it doesn't need to. That's the great news about better help, because with better help, you just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, just switch to new therapist any time you want. It could not be simpler, no waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist. That's game changing. get unstuck with better help learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/confidence pod that's better help h e l p.com/confidence. I want to give you guys a quick, simple way to talk back. When you find yourself in a self critical cycle when you find yourself not being nice to yourself. Now, this is something that we are going to be going over in the culture competence, we have a whole workshop coming up on how to stop beating yourself up, it's the stop beating yourself up workshop, you do have to be a member of the COC to get access. But I'm telling you if this is something you struggle with, it's worth giving you getting access to this coaching, even if you just joined the COC for one month, it very well could be what changes the entire narrative of how you talk to yourself the rest of your life, and your ability to break patterns of the self criticism, self disappointment. We're going live with real life scenarios on how to shift from self criticism to self compassion. We're going live December 21. So now is the time to get in and go to college competence.com. And you'll get access to the scenario and to the workshop and the worksheet. And you'll get a feel to get live coached by me. But when we stop the self critical cycle and when you find yourself not being nice to yourself, here's a couple questions. I want you to ask yourself. What exactly am I beating myself up over? Okay, this is get your journal out, folks, this is what we do we do the work here. What exactly am I beating myself up over? And next? What exactly am I saying to myself? And this is where it gets painful. Once you write those sentences down, allow yourself to grieve a little because often what we would write ourselves up or down that we're saying about ourselves is really mean. It's like me mean, it's like you would you would cry if your friend was thinking about their things that best friend that when you think is extraordinary. You're like how do they not see themselves? Okay, next question. How do I de dramatize the disappointment I feel in myself, like sometimes we over dramatize we're like in it we go to this catastrophic, extreme place? What are good things I can find in this in this scenario? How can I see something new or grow here? And then finally, what could I say to myself instead? Or maybe rephrased? What would being kind to myself look like here? I love that question to ask myself that often? What would be being kind of like to myself, sometimes I say that when I'm five minutes late to something because I used to beat myself up endlessly if I was late. What does being kind look like here? Or if I accidentally overpay for something or forget to cancel something that and I used to beat myself up tremendously about anything that I deemed was financially irresponsible, right? I had this like, very deep like, had to be perfect. And it's some of it was because of certain things in my past. And you know, one time as a kid, I lost a check and I got in trouble for a long time about it of losing money and how we are responsible and what does that mean about me as a human and to doing this work helps you helps you learn to let go of old stories that maybe not weren't entirely true or that maybe we doubled down on and unnecessarily? Because we've got to take ownership of what is it that happened and then get down to the facts? And then ask ourselves, Is there a different way to think about it. And I want to, I want to, I want to shift. So shift here, and talk about how to build belief on purpose. You can build belief in yourself and build belief in your potential. And when you believe in yourself, you're often cheering yourself on this is all own. This is an effort for me to get you to start creating an inner narrative where you're proud of yourself, where you're cheering yourself on where you're saying, Man, I could have done better here, for sure. But can I work on this is good, but here's where I'm winning. And we build belief by taking risks. We create belief by showing ourselves that we're capable. We scale belief by tapping into our braveness and self identifying as courageous on a child. This is a challenge we recently did in the COC. But my challenge is that you make courage or go to decision and that you on purpose, do things that you're afraid to do. Because the more you do this, the more you're training your mind to be bold by default, and boldness becomes your boldness then becomes what you do. As Virgil said, Fortune favors the bold. Robert Frost said freedom lies and being bold. I love love, love, love, love. This quote. Robert Kiyosaki, often in the real world, it's not the smart, who get ahead. It's the bold I love that. And then one more quote I have to share with you is Leonardo da Vinci. And this is good when you're thinking, Well, I gotta pressure myself to be able to be accomplishing things and to get ahead, I'm so far behind it. Like I'll be nice when like, we got to drop the if when you don't have to earn your worthiness you don't have to earn your self care, you don't have to earn the rest unit earn and kindness. Those are part of being human that is your, you're a child of God. So I love this though, people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to thinks that's Leonardo da Vinci. Go out and happen to things. And then be nice to yourself along the way. Be proud of yourself. When I started doing bold things, whether it's planning a trip or trying something new in my business, or pushing myself at a certain pace on the, on the treadmill and seeing how long I can hold it. There's emotional boldness to that. Here's I gotta do all the mind drama of like, oh my gosh, can I hold this gonna hold space? Like it, play with it? But when you do it, it's not about can I hold the pace? Or can I actually do it? But can I embrace the emotional discomfort with the physical discomfort. And then whatever comes from the effort, be proud mentally of myself as a human being and my willingness to show up, and my willingness to happen to things. It's not right, like, it's just fun. And when you're nice to yourself, it's fun life becomes so much more fun. So let's just let's close out with talking about how to see and be your own best friend. So I want you to think about your best friend. And I actually want you to think about for those of you who are on Netflix and for watching Firefly, Firefly lane. I just finished watching this last season, and I love it. And what's crazy is like I'm texting all my best friends at the time. I'm like, like, this show is us like this is I wish I could just walk binge watch the show with you, right? But think about Tolian Kate, they see the best in one another. But if you think about any story of two great friends, they cheer each other on they see the best and one and one another they can do no wrong. They see things in each other that the other doesn't quite see that. There is this admiration, this mutuality, this, this love. And so I want you to know that you know how to do this. Because you probably think about your friends this way or your mentors this way. Practice turning that narrative, that same lens with which you see those people on yourself. And start being that start being your own cheerleader. Start being your own best friend. How do you do that? Spend time with yourself. Take yourself to a restaurant by yourself. Go to a movie by yourself. Go snowboarding by yourself go have coffee and sit and take a walk what? Like practice? No, because your friendships come and are formed through shared experience through time together. You've got to learn how to do that with yourself. Now, why do we get distracted from being able to do this? Why do we lose touch with being connected to ourselves well, comparison we lean into worrying about not being enough we spend our energy looking at what other people are doing at seven joy and what we have been given you guys I want to the going back to one of my favorite parables in the Bible is the parable of the talents in Matthew 20 Oh, I think it's Matthew 25. Matthew 25 gives me tremendous peace. And because it's it's a story of of how a master gifts his his his three servants different amount of talents and what they do one dealt with the two of them double it one holds on to it and the two that were that doubled it that stewarded that invested that care to them. And the master returned. He said in Matthew 2523, and also verse 21. Well done good and faithful servant, you have been faithful with a few things I put you in charge, I will put you in charge of many things come and share in your masters happiness. I love that.
I think sometimes we get distracted. And we aren't nice to ourselves, because we're so worried about everyone else is doing what everyone else has what everyone else's life looks like. And you guys that is like looking at when somebody else's talent and talent in this parable is a portion of money. We're looking at somebody else was given and then we're trying to imagine ourselves in comparison to that there is no reason to compare. You have what you have been given. You have the background that you've been given you have the family you have been given you have the country of origin that you've been given the language you've been given the stories, the unique experiences that no one else in the world but you have experienced. And those things that you have been given the actual talents, the way you think your personality, your love that combined is what you have been given. What are you doing with that? That is what we're judged on. That is what you I just for me, that excites me, because it encourages me to not lose my happiness in the pursuit of my big goals. So knowing my big goals, we get so distracted by looking around at others and thinking we're behind and beating ourselves up and putting pressure on ourselves up and we want to change our body to look more like somebody else's. But you weren't given that person's body you were given your body, how do you still get and use that body or given how do you make that the best that it can be? The healthiest that it can be not how somebody else who is completely different body shape. But you will stay in your lane of happiness you will stay in your lane of, of just absolute flow when you're faithfully stewarding your your ideas, your your body, your life, your story, your experience, your passions, your interests, that, that taking total ownership of your life gives you permission to just be yourself. And when you're selling yourself, you can have fun. You're not so worried comparing yourself you're not worried about how am I doing in comparison to somebody else, but that God doesn't care about that. What are you doing with what you've been given? That is how we make a great life we go, this is what I've been given, how can I invest it? How can I grow it? How can I multiply it? How can I maximize it? How can I squeeze every last ounce if you imagine I think if sometimes I think about my life, my talent, my stories might what gotten the potential that God's given me. Only think about it like a lemon and how to squeeze out every last ounce of that love and get every squeeze of juice outright. And even once you squeeze a whole lemon, there's still more, there's always more. Here's some practical tips. Get to know yourself. Get to know yourself. Celebrate the weird stuff you love. Have fun with yourself do things that you love and that make you come alive. I don't care if it's cosplay I don't care if it's breakdancing. I don't care if it's crocheting. Do things you love fun, create time in your day to have fun on purpose. We've got to stop taking things so seriously. I mean look, you're talking to the Queen of it. Oh, I have had to learn this and I have to remind myself to not take things too seriously to not get too serious to not get too attached to work. Because when I do that I lose being a person I lose being myself and when I lose being myself I stopped being a friend to myself. I know you've had that friend that's too busy to rip right back. We all have one of those. It stinks and you want to shake them like your work is not that important. Just text me back I just that's it it's what to text back. But often, the tragedies we do that to ourselves, we're too busy for ourselves because we think we have to accomplish all these things in order to deserve the time to have fun to chill. And really, if you learn how to work hard and also and work well and live well. Your living well will overflow into your work you will and there will be beauty in the way you live your life. I want you to practice indulgent self care what would indulgent self care look like? I go in and got a massage a 90 minute massage the other day on a Monday and I was like Wolf but and I was trying to talk myself out of it I actually totally Let's go 75 minutes because I felt like 90 minutes was too indulgent. And then I did 90 Simply because I said you like there's no reason not to. Because I want to be able to to give myself permission I would want a friend if because I honestly I was prepping this podcast and If a friend had said, Well, I could have stayed for 90 minutes and it wasn't about the money. I just felt guilty that I could do it on a Monday. I'm like, You are a fool girl, you should have you should have done a two hour massage. Because I think that highly of my friends, I love them that much. Right? But so sometimes it's helpful to go what what I tell my best friend right now, I would say stay, indulge, do the thing, right. Another way to be nice to yourself is to buy yourself gifts. You know, by yourself guessing that doesn't mean like every whim but sometimes buy a gift and delay the gratification of it. Because speaking back to if you want to work on delayed gratification, we did that last week, episode 524. I actually touched a little bit on this in, in it, but I didn't mention that. One of the ways I practice delayed gratification is I buy myself fun gifts, and then I get excited about when I'm going to give it to myself. And sometimes I wrap them for myself legit, I have no shame in my game. But it make it fun. Another practical tip to really be nice to yourself is to build yourself up words of encouragement, learn how to be your own cheerleader, we have a whole episode on that. The art of practicing self validation, I'll make sure that gets in the link Oh off the top of my head. I can't remember what episode number that is. But we'll get that in the show notes for you. Practicing self validation and encouragement. And then talk to yourself and remind yourself who you are. We practice this often with my students in the COC. But just say words of affirmation and proclamation about yourself, I am brave. I am somebody who does big things. I love going all in I am ridiculous and goofy and fun, right? Start talking about yourself the way you would want your friends to describe you. Or maybe they're not this isn't true yet about you. But describe the person your future person different describe the future use the 2.0 you the next year you you go I am a carefree, light hearted leader who's totally present. And to hold the focus and vibrant at the same time. Talk about that person, remind yourself of who you are. Not who you've been, I want you to believe in the life you're creating, not the life you have now. And then also take it ventures with yourself ticket ventures with yourself. And I would do this in your mind and also what you can do in the future. Like the idea of what you can do in the future with yourself as you continue to grow because there is nothing that there's no limit. Now I like this in a in a very visual imaginative way. But I also think about this, like I think about myself and what my office is going to look like and feel like five years from now. I think about what my clothing style will transform into I think about where in the world I'll be making courses for my students and like I get excited about the future self and how she lives her life and how she manages her life and what her routines look like. And these are all an idealized version of what I want to be. But the the vision of it excites me, I start becoming friends with my future self and she becomes more accessible her her level of achievement becomes more normalized to me. I not like oh man, I hope I can just go okay, I can't wait to grow into that. Now another way, is the practical tip of of actually just like actually take adventures dream. I have spend the last couple days hours looking up stuff on Morocco because on a whim, my husband and I decided that next November, we're going to take the kids to Morocco for a week. We're going to we're going to Paris earlier in the year. And we found out there some some days off of school and we said why not. And I'm looking up riding camels in the Sahara and sandboarding and these extraordinary adventures and it's it's exciting. And now it's a year away. Well actually it would be about 11 months away. But I'm already imagining what my family photo in the Sahara is going to look like imagining what waking up to the sunrise over the desert looks like what speaking French with people in Africa is going to feel like for me I'm I'm allowing my brain to have an adventure before the adventure happens now also for me I'm going to be I'm thinking work how will I work from there? How do I get ahead and work how what how many weeks ahead? And podcasting will I be and course content? What kind of course do I want to make for my students? Right because I take my students everywhere I go so what am I what do I need to bring them? What do I What is the college or competence needed? What lessons are going to come from being in Morocco? Like what is that going to look like? What is the adventure of it? And it's just exciting to go. I get to take adventures my whole life now you might not have any interest in travel the way I do and that's fine but your adventures could be hikes you want to take locally or different types of adventure into your We're creative passions, you know, my mom is incredibly into quilting and loves the art of it and invests a lot in it is adventure, the art of creating something, whether it's a physical thing or an experience. It's whimsical, it sweeps us up. It connects us to ourselves. And I want to propose to you, you can enjoy the adventure before the adventure happens, because I can tell you what I'm sure I am. I feel like I've already been to Morocco and I definitely have not.
So if you are excited about this context, this this this concept, and you're ready to double down on being kind to yourself on breaking the self critical cycle here, a couple episodes one, like as I said, you really need to be in the college competence as much as a reminder, this is last month that you can get in at $67 instead of $97. And you lock in that rate, our rates are going up it we have six years of content here, it's incredible you and you join you get access to it all. So the price is going up because with the amount of content and the increase of what we offer, it's it's we're just too underpriced. So it is incredible. And if you're wanting to be somebody who is a friend to themselves, who has healthier internal dialogue, who isn't ruled by their their mind, but has learned how to rule their mind, that is all the work we do in the COC and I would love for you to come and join us in the How to stop beating yourself up workshop that's happening this month. So go to college competence.com To get started. But here's the recommended episodes that are going to be helpful for you to continue working on on this concept of being kind yourself episode 430 How To Make a Good Life a great life, Episode 424 how to think like a happy person because a kind person is often a happy person, Episode 501 feeling better about yourself when you're self critical. And then episode 517 permission for happiness. And then of course, I'll look up that one for the self validation. I'll make sure that gets in the show notes as well for you. So you can just click and listen guys. Thank you for sharing the show with your friends. Thank you for helping us grow we are reaching more and more people around the world every single episode. And it is just my absolute privilege to be a coach and a voice of encouragement in your life. So thank you for spending time with me today. I'll see you here same place on the confidence podcast next week and hopefully sooner in the COC. Now go out there today go be more who God created you to be use what He has given you. Use it to the fullest live it out multiply it maximize it. Be you be free.If you loved today's episode of the Confidence podcast I invite you to check out the College of Confidence at www.collegeofconfidence.com the COC is where your next step is. In the COC we cultivate confidence create courage and spark change. It takes everything we do here on the podcast to the next level and our members get crazy life changing results. I'm so confident that you will find that the COC is the most encouraging place on the internet, and that it will so wildly exceed your expectations that it comes with a money back guarantee. Hey, joining is completely risk free you owe it to your future self to take your growth to the next level by coaching with me in the COC. Join me today at www.collegeofconfidence.com
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