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You're listening to the confidence podcast, your favorite coaching podcast oozing with motivation, inspiration, and confidence to help you boldly take action on your dreams. I'm your host, Trish Blackwell, internationally recognized Confidence Coach, Best Selling Author and founder of the College of Confidence, the most encouraging place on the internet. I teach go getters in life, how to take your thoughts captive, how to step out of the shadows of self doubt, and how to courageously step into their purpose. With competence. It's time to pump our competence muscles and train our thoughts, y'all.

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Let's get started.

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Hey, guys, it's Trish Blackwell and you're listening to the competence Podcast, episode 521. This episode is for you. If you want to have more confidence, speaking up now that could be public speaking and the traditional stance, it could be being participatory in class or in meetings. It could be simply speaking your mind whether to friends and family in a relationship, or having social courage to speak more confidently on social media. This episode is going to go over some some tips on really just trusting yourself to be yourself to speaking out what you have to say matters. Now if you are in sales of any sort, your confidence in your ability to speak and to be persuasive is absolutely critical to your success to you standing out to you creating more income more value in the world to you communicating that which you are selling, that it how impactful it be to the lives of those who you are trying to sell it to. So this is also for those of you who have a business or in sales. And you guys, we are all in sales, we are selling ourselves all the time, whether you're in high school, trying to get to college and you're selling yourself to the colleges, you're selling yourself within the corporation that you work for to get a promotion, you're selling yourself to other people all the time. So how you communicate is critical. And so public speaking is speaking your mind no longer needs to panic you or make you feel anxious or unsure of yourself, I cannot wait to pull back the veil. Because in this podcast episode, I'm going to give you practical and easy to implement tips to improve your self confidence or the next time you speak in public. The next time you sell something the next time you raise your hand, or their next time you're trying to speak your mind or offer your opinion about something that matters to you. I want to normalize some of what happens I want you to know that the brain is going to always offer us some panic, the brain is always gonna say oh, is this unsafe, that I'm gonna you're gonna listen to this episode and learn that some of the overthinking that you're doing is normal. And that it's not something you need to worry about or even listen to. Here's the other thing. You don't need to be extroverted or even 100% confident in yourself to appear more confident when speaking in front of others. In at the end of this episode, I'm going to teach you how to trust yourself, and how to keep your thoughts in a place of confidence. Instead of a place of self judgment and fear for the next time you speak. Because that's what happens. We start judging ourselves about being awkward or saying the wrong thing or not being eloquent enough or not really knowing. And then we assume that people are saying things or thinking things about us. And we get distracted and we go to a place of insecurity rather than staying firm in our place of confidence, knowing that we have something good to say. So we're going to talk about all things about speaking and using your voice. Hey, our review of the week is from ltr 1101 that just said love it love this podcast just on it last week, and it has already helped so much looking forward to listening to even more episodes. And going on this confidence journey. I gotta say thank you, friend for listening to the show, and a week letter writing review that, that hits me hard that makes my heart smile. So thank you. So if you've not written a review, but thought about it, it's time y'all. It's time. I also wanted to highlight we have some incredible feedback from some of our members in the college competence. Three recent read testimonials that we got was just the change in the COC. We create change, we change our lives. We take things here on the podcast, and then we actually work it out into our lives to really cultivate our confidence really, really create courage and then go step into our calling. So Shana said this she has business growth from being in the CSC. She says I'm getting more clients in my business because I'm more bold now. I have more positivity and power in my daily life. I'm learning how and to practice having my own back through the decisions that others disagree with. And I'm doing meaning it to my business more and my business growth and my personal flow of peace in life is evident. I believe now, I recommend the COC because the support is so practical and positive slash effective. Thank you. Shana. Anna Barr said this, she went from freedom to anxiety. I have confidence and ease in every room I'm in now, family functions where I've known everyone my whole life to gatherings where that used to make my stomach hurt. Thinking of seeing them and social settings with people I used to think were fancier in the me, not only do I now know, I belong wherever, whatever room God places me in but I thrive with confidence. I love the constant encouragement from the COC community, I joined to help with anxiety, both socially and in life. I couldn't function and especially afraid of health, bad health outcomes that I avoided that I even avoided the doctor. My confidence was built up and I was able to go and guess what I've experienced healing from multiple illnesses, y'all are amazing. And they can't be brought to us at this improved marriage. I'm amazed at how much content there is in the COC and content that relates to almost everything you could use confidence growth in it's helped me to overcome my social anxiety, and my social overthinking in my interaction with others. And most notably, the COC has transformed my confidence in social situations, and my self esteem in my marriage relationship. I love being able to watch recordings always, and be able to go at my own pace. Knowing Trish works on developing a relationship with each of her students, as long as you put the effort into be on the calls is incredible. Thank you, Kami, you guys. If you've even thought about joining the COC, this is the month, this is the month, it's an absolute no brainer, because this month, we have more coaching than we've ever had before more opportunity than we've ever had before, we're creating more results than ever been before we are going deep. And then next month in the COC. Oh, it's gonna be good. We're talking about how to dream bigger. So that's my plug, go check it out College of confidence.com. Let's dive in to public speaking. We're going to start with three rules. Three rules to public speaking. And again, this does not have to be on a stage this could be raising your hand in class, raising your hand at a board meeting or having an opinion in a large family gathering. Know your audience. So number one, know your audience. Number two, know your material, know what you want to say know what you're standing for, know what you represent. And number three, know your passion. Know why it matters to you to speak up know why your voice matters. So often, we just glaze over and go I guess I don't really matter. I guess it doesn't really matter that it takes for this. But I want to give you some very practical tips here. I want you to be comfortable with the pause when speaking in any capacity. Use the pause. Now, I used to be terrible at this because I was so nervous speaking because I was told well, you might know this. I'm a pretty fast talker. I used to apologize for it. Now I embrace it. But I've also had to learn learn to work within my excitable nature. To intentionally insert pauses to not assume that you're bored. But rather, maybe hanging on to what I'm ready to say. It this was all foreign to me and I would tell a story and go oh no, you tell the story. I was the I was the friend in a group of friends there or something amazing, epic happening. And they'd be like Trish, Trish tell them what happened. I'm like, no, no, you because I felt I felt social pressure. I felt like my friends could always tell the story better. It was got the punchline better. I would, I would get nervous providing too much detail and get distracted when the person listening would like kind of you know, tap out look bored. And I didn't know how to how to captivate my audience. But I also wasn't using voice inflection on purpose, pausing on purpose. But more than anything, I was believing this narrative. This is the dangerous narrative that will make you come off as insecure when you're speaking your mind when you're speaking in a capacity in front of others. The narrative was, I didn't think I was good at talking. I didn't think I was eloquent. And I also didn't believe I was good storyteller. And so what's one simple way we can start we got to start talking to yourself as if you are someone who has command of what you want to say now how do you get good at that you practice? How am I comfortable behind the mic now? When I used to think I you know everything about how I talk is wrong. Well, take a look at how many episodes have done 521 That, you know, almost 10 years of public speaking every week of the year I've gotten better I trust what I have to say more. But in order to become better, you have to show up and do in order to be a better storyteller, you've got to start practicing telling stories at the table. In order to be a better public speaker, you've got to raise your hand and offer to get on stage, in order to be better at giving your opinion and then having a preference, you got to start putting your preferences out there and having an opinion worth being willing to, to, to not be convenient for everyone, right. So that's first, we're going to start by talking back to ourselves and start, I want you to start affirming yourself, that you're learning how to project your voice. So say it with me here. And this is not even in my notes, I'm going off the cuff here. But I am a person

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who loves to express my opinion, I am a person who's practicing, being a powerful communicator, I am a person whose voice matters. And I will use my voice to stand up for what matters to me in this world. If you start with those statements, you'll start creating a self concept of yourself as a great communicator, if you believe that you're a great communicator, and that communication is one of your core values. And it's one of mine, then you will step into the field because it's a value, it's easy to step into. It's not just something you want to prove. But we know it's one of your values, you will have less pressure, you will have less fear about speaking up in whatever capacity you want to improve. And as we before even continue even further, I do want to challenge you to think about one area of your life. When it comes to speaking in front of other people that you want to improve. Is it going to be actual public speaking? Is it perhaps you have a podcast? And by the way, if you do have a podcast, I'd love to come hang out on your podcast with you. So let me know. Is it the you want to have more social confidence in the boardroom in the classroom? Is it you want to be the person that finally expresses their real opinion? What think about the we're going to attack each area of our speaking confidence? Maybe you just want to be a better storyteller like that I did. I've again, even even in my first couple years of marriage, I find myself still doing this guys. My husband is this incredibly engaging storyteller, he can captivate an entire room, at least that's through my lens. That's what I see. His description of detail is so much better and more eloquent and just exquisite than mine. So anytime we have come back from a trip, and we've been or a family, and they say, Well, how was Rome? How was Cree? What was cool? All Brandon Brandon tell them, like, it's so funny. So I noticed that pattern in myself and I challenged myself to know where you were gonna know where you tap out, and then lean into that and just say, this is the area I'm not running from anymore. I've determined I'm going to be better at this. Because all this is a skill. It's just practice. It's just doing the same thing over and over until you're comfortable. And so this is this is critical. It's cool that you're not comfortable. Maybe you just haven't practiced enough. That's like my son, Baker, we've been starting to play pickleball we play once or twice a week, about twice a week. And it's super fun. But he's five guys. Like really, it's about hand eye coordination. And I can volley back maybe only good on a good volley 10 times. And oh, man, he thinks he can beat my husband. He has such such confidence in his pickleball. But most of the time, the truth is, one out of three times when he hits back, it does not stay on record. Because he's five. And the reason I'm sharing this is I think we often think, well, I should just he's got he's he's got a good ego. But when my daughter plays and she sees She's old enough to see he thinks he's incredible. My daughter is about the same level. And she's old enough to know, hold on. Why am I not as good as you as frustrating. And she's not as good because she's hasn't practiced as much. I've spent years playing racquetball I have more experienced with a racket and hand eye coordination. And so for her to compare herself to me, playing pickable is not reasonable. So be careful who you're comparing yourself to in your storytelling in your writing in your speaking. Because in your salesmanship, a lot of it is just practice repetition. I'm convinced that the people who are the greatest at their anything they do this, you know, we are all ordinary people who do in the ordinary people who create extraordinary results in their lives are simply people who are willing to do the ordinary thing with extraordinary consistency. They're doing ordinary things over and over and over and over until they become incredible. One of the reasons I was a good sock Your player, even though I wasn't a year round or travel or travel soccer player was that one, because I was swimming all the time, I had incredible long endurance so I could outrun anyone on the field. But also to I did so I forget what my injury was. This was back in high school, and I mess something up with my right leg and I'm, I'm a righty. And so what I did was I would swim for two and a half, three hours in the morning, and then in the afternoon, I played soccer, and I would when I was injured, and I couldn't use my right leg. Well, it was when my right leg was still healing. I was past healing, I was allowed to like put pressure on it, but I wasn't allowed to kick hard with it. I spent an hour every day in the gym at Chatham Hall in Chatham, Virginia, kicking with my left foot. And it was terrible. I was just kicking against the ball, kick the ball against the wall, kick the ball against the wall, kick the ball against Wall, and I started off terribly. And you know what my junior and senior year of soccer and I was I was, I don't even know what you call it. You call ambidextrous, two hands, what is Ambu? Well, in whatever Amba for your feet is, is what I became, I could play the field, as right on the left side of the field, as well as the left side of field is with the right side of the field. But it took me being injured, it took me being dedicated, took me being willing to be the kid who went and just by myself, in my free time, repeated something 1000s and 1000s of time until it became automatic for my left foot. Now my left foot is as strong and powerful at kicking as my right foot. And that's all it is with any type of success in anything. Right? It's critical to know that if you're frustrated with yourself, and you're beating yourself up and and you're maybe being hard on yourself, maybe you just need to be more dedicated to doing the boring thing over and over and over. Maybe we're overcomplicating, it's not about your capacity or your potential, we just need to put in more time. So back to speaking now I'm off on the soccer tangent. Okay, we're gonna practice the pause. Don't worry, by the way, when people don't look, engage, and that means in your audience in your story, have a plan. Know, your opening and closing statement. Assume that people care. Remember this, especially in the terms of public speaking. The audience is on your side, you know, this, the public speaking is the number one fear that people self report, people are terrified of public speaking, which is why all the more I wanted to dedicate an episode to this because if you can master public speaking, you can master anything. Because in order to shop with confidence in a public way, you've got to be okay with yourself, you've got to be okay with your opinions, you've got to be okay with being looked at, you've got to be okay, neutralizing your brain. Because your brain is gonna say all kinds of things that they're judging me and they think this and they don't like my shoes, and they're bored, and you're, you're gonna be able to neutralize that and stay on, on on track and go, they like this, you'll be you have the capacity to convince yourself to stay on track. So in general, use inclusive language use stories, I mean, you can, this is not a how to be a great public speaker. I want to just point out that if you want to improve this area of your life, there are strategies that are techniques, use inclusive language, practice, practice, practice. And then in general, from a confidence standpoint, where something that makes you feel powerful. I'm not saying we're something that other speakers were, were something that makes you feel feel powerful that you love. I would if you ever see me at a conference, you will always see me in heels. I love how heels make me feel I got great legs, and I have some incredible calves in my calves and heels. I'm like, I feel like powerhouse. You will always see me in big earrings. They make me happy. They make me feel powerful. And I grew up you might not know this about me. I was not allowed to get my ears pierced until I was 18. My mom was extremely conservative, extremely strict. And technically, she didn't allow it I was at and I said I'm getting my ears pierced. And I just love that for me. These the earrings represent independence, this sense of self, right? That gives me power. So it's not actually always about the earrings for you. What is it that gives you that slight edge. And the other thing is to embrace your personal style and your quirks is huge. It's kind of quirky that I like really bright colors and these be big earrings. It's also just me, it's your job when you go on stage, your job when you raise your hand and in the classroom. Your job when you raise your hand in the boardroom is not to be like everyone else. It is to be you. One of the most powerful things a mentor ever said to me when I was going on stage. This was about 12 years ago, and I was at an international fitness conference and I was being sent on stage and I was still in the in the final healing stages of my eating disorder and my body image and I had some things idea about being seen and looked at. And I was comparing myself to every other woman at this massive fitness event thinking they were prettier and they were more successful and they had more Lululemon clothes than me and like, you know, I had some work to do guys with this mentor set. I can remember where we're standing. I can't remember his name was crazy. But he works for free motion fitness I was being sponsored by free motion fitness and he said to me, Chris, we brought you here we hired you. We have chosen you make that enough. Go be Trish. Just go be Trish Blackwell. Don't worry about anybody else. Go be Trish Blackwell go have your energy could be you. That's because I was like, I'm not sure what you need me to do. Like what if I say the wrong thing. And you said just copy Trish Blackwell.

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And you guys have heard me say that on the podcast in different ways. I say it because it changed my life. It gave me freedom. It gave me the ability to breathe. It gave me the courage to show up and on a big stage that intimidated me not to be intimidated by the stage or the setting. All you need to do is be you guys, we're gonna take a quick pause because I gotta let you know that this episode is sponsored by better help. Give online therapy, a try@betterhelp.com Ford slash competence pod and get on your way to your best self. I sometimes wish that I had an owner's manual for life that somebody had said, Trish, this is exactly what you need to do. But unfortunately, life doesn't come with an owner's manual. So when it's not working for you, I want you to know it's normal to feel stuck. And therapy can help you get unstuck. therapy can help you break patterns that have been passed down to you therapy can help you heal from trauma that has happened and better help us connected over 3 million, 3 million people with licensed therapists and it's convenient, it's secure. It's accessible anywhere and it's 100% on line. For me the combination of therapy and coaching was life changing for me. And you can find the right therapist and get started on feeling less overwhelmed right now. And with better help, if you find a therapist, they end up not being the right fit. You can always switch they make it so easy. With better help you just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with therapist. And it couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no delay. No endless searching for the right therapist. get unstuck with better help learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/confidence. Pod that's better help hvlp.com/competence pod. Okay, guys, first speaking hacks in general, there's two things I want you to do. I want you to prepare personally, I want you to effective speaking via volume production, vocal production, I'm going to cover that very, very briefly. Effective speaking in any way, small group, big group, huge stage, small stage, classroom, boardroom, kitchen, your volume, your clarity, and your variety. So depending on your audience, of course, the volume so many of us speak in a way or we we feel so overlooked that we have never really practiced speaking with volume, speak in a way, which commands and demands that you are heard. Because you are worthy of being heard. Your opinion matters. So the volume is to be heard, have volume, to be heard, have clarity, to be understood and have variety to add interest. But the more I want to spend time on is your preparation, your presentation confidence to prepare for it. And we prepare by not pretending that you're immune to it. I think there's really a lot of value and freedom to identify to admit you're nervous to admit that you don't love it, to admit that it makes you anxious for for you to disagree with somebody with a friend at a big gathering that right especially in today's social and political climate. So I admit that you're nervous, but identify those emotions do the work. And one of the things I teach in my coaching and among college competence is the team method. The team method helps you understand your thoughts, your emotions and your actions, how they are interrelated. Because when we're nervous, we feel that it's based on our thoughts and our thoughts are creating our emotions. And our emotions show up if we don't if we show up and we allow ourselves nervousness to be the primary emotion that is driving you your actions, the way you show up on stage, the way you show up in that social group. The way you show up in that conversation is going to reflect that we want you to show up and speak from a place from an emotional state of power from an emotional state of peace from an emotional state of clarity and so Should we do the work before you speak to do that? And here's the other thing I already kind of hinted at this at the beginning of today's episode. Please don't be surprised with all the junk that your brain says, expect your brain to offer criticism and judgment and insecurity, and all sudden you're gonna feel rich, and you're gonna, you'll you'll have eaten well all day, but then you're gonna go, Oh my gosh, I feel bloated and uncomfortable. And that does this shirt fit. My brain does all kinds of trash to me throws it. It's sort of like, oh my gosh, one of my favorite games, I don't play a lot of games. But one I do love is Fruit Ninja. And it's so old. I feel like you probably know what I'm talking about. It's like fruit being thrown at you just think about like Fruit Ninja when you get to the next, like the higher levels, how they get how these things just keep getting thrown at you and thrown at you or thrown at you. That's what your brain does when it feels vulnerable. So you just take your little ninja knife and keep slashing that fruit? Keep cutting through and go nope, not a problem. Nope, not a problem. Nope, I'm actually not that bloated, nobody can see like, you just keep talking back to yourself. Because here's what the world needs, the world needs you to show up. The world does not need a shrinking version of you. who waits for approval and validation. The world needs your opinion the world needs your power than the world needs your voice.

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So, a couple other hacks is to dress for how you want to be addressed.

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If you want to feel powerful if you want people to respect you, it's time to take a good look at your style as your wardrobe. But are you showing up in a way that would make you proud? Are you do you have standards for yourself in a way that your future self will be proud of how you showed up? One thing that I like to ask myself is does this belong in my future does how I show up today and what I'm wearing? It belongs to my future would my future self go well done. You took time and you presented yourself? Well. We want to present ourselves in a way that feels powerful. When you feel powerful. You trust that your opinion matters. When you feel that you when your brain offers all of that fruit ninja nonsense. You're able to strike back with a lot more quickness, and agility. posture. Posture matters. It's so funny. I hate it as a kid. My mom and as a swimmer swimmers have this bad stereotype and bad habit of slumping because you swim a little butterfly you swim a lot. You sort of have these rounded shoulders and the big thing my mom always was like, What did was pull my shoulders back. And she would say Trisha, stand up straight. I hated it. I was like, ah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh, did that come back to life when I was a personal trainer, I cannot stand something because here's the thing. One, you look thinner, you look better, you look more competent. Everything looks better when you stand up straight. And not even that when you are standing up straight, and you have great postures, chest out, shoulders back, chin up slightly. It projects open body language and even to yourself. Just Just practice as you're listening slumped your shoulders over. Pretend you have like sweats on just watching a movie chillin. Now, and then I'm actually doing that right now behind the mic. And then take a deep breath, put your shoulders back, stand up tall, and project and just take a nice breath. And tell me you don't feel better about yourself. You feel more aligned, you feel more capable, you feel more motivated, you feel good, you feel drumroll. Confident. Posture matters. Open. Also little hack. Open body language communicates openness. And that means your posture. But it also means even if you're at a cocktail party and you want to improve your small talk at cocktail parties, hands open, crossing your arms or just being closed off or your body turned away from the room communicates you're not interested you're not available and you're not confident. Openness, even just standing with your hands out with the rest of that your side will portray you to be perceived as more confident. Another thing I like to think about is what puts me at my best. If you look at the abbreviate that that's WP M AB ma MB that doesn't work as a great acronym acronym, but it really is important to go when I feel my best what is it that puts me at my best? Because if I'm going to speak up if I'm going to have incredible relationships. If I'm going to go and do a big presentation if I'm going to present my my thesis to my you know my professor, what do I I need to do to feel as good about myself as I can. I want you to go into these, these these these speaking opportunities that you're aware of that you know about in advance, you're going to go in having prepared to be the best version of yourself that day. So here's your homework, get curious about what is it, that makes me feel amazing. On the days that I'm crushing it, what is my morning routine look like? For me,

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if I have, if I have a big

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presentation, a huge meeting, if you see me on stage, somewhere, I will have gotten up, I will done at least an hour workout, I will have read my Bible, I will put on some worship music, I will have stress done some abs, also done some journaling, and then a little review for my presentation for my thing for what matters. And then because if I do all those things, that puts me at my best. And I can call my brain and go, we got this, we're good. Moving out. Now, I wanted to spend a couple minutes today beyond the speaking hacks, because I know that you're not maybe a lot of us aren't necessarily prepping for the stage, but you might be prepping to start having more of an opinion. start trusting that your voice matters. Start believing that you can do things differently than then you've always done or that you've always been told to do. So I want to talk and just spend just a minute or two about speaking your mind speaking up for yourself being having the courage to be disagreeable having the courage to

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be different. And by the way, also sometimes in communication

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and incompetent communication. Less is more. I used to have a bad habit of when I spoke I would over explain because it was like well, I want to justify, you want to come off more confident. Stop explaining so much. Stop over explaining yourself. Less is more. And remember this you have the right to your own opinion. It's okay if people don't agree with you. You guys know I'm a huge fan of wine. I have a big dream of owning my own vineyard. But I didn't drink in college. I didn't drink until I was legal to drink. That's very weird. It's different able to do that. But I was so confident in my decision and my reasons why I liked that decision. I did it for athletic reasons. I did it. for social reasons. I had good reasons. And I just wanted to do it. A lot of people question me, a lot of people push back. I still went to parties. I still did all the things. My friends loved me. And I was a great DD I was also a very great safe drink holder for all of my girlfriends. Right? Well, and the point and I was great for beer goggles. My friends were like, Is he cute? I'm like, No, we know we move on. So I just want to I want to show whether it's like you're offering an opinion and you're the minority. And you're just willing to do things different. But people are gonna question it's not that they're doubting you or criticizing you.

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Here's what's key to know. They're just curious. Same thing politically. I'm you. I used to read. I mean, come on. I just used I would never thought I would use the word beer goggles on my podcast. But

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here we go. Right. I tried to use that because it's such a ridiculous and really unimportant example. But you know, it's more important. When you're having a conversation about political sides with people in your family who go I don't understand. How could you and it becomes this giant we make these giant there's so much division in our culture right now this these giant character characters like characterizations of people based on an opinion, and how to stand firm in your opinion, how to stand firm in your faith, whatever faith that is to you, how to not feel like you have to apologize for it or be embarrassed but But you feel confident, bold and open about it. That's, that's why I'm so passionate about having the courage and the confidence to speak your mind and to speak up for yourself. Even if people go That's weird, or what really, isn't that a little antiquated? Or that's old? Or that's this? Let people or that's too progressive. Okay. And, yeah, maybe maybe for you, but that it doesn't have to be an argument. It can just be conversation. If you want to have a voice to stand for things that matter to you politically, socially, emotionally. You've got to practice that trusting. You've got to practice trusting that what you say matters that you have to say matters. And how do you practice trusting that what you have to say matters by having an opinion and expressing the opinion? And that down to even if you're in a relationship? Eight, communicating Hey, babe, do you? I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I really prefer when you do blank versus blank, or I really feel loved when you do this. And I feel overlooked when you do this. It's hard. It sounds easy, right? Because I'm a great communicator. So my husband, and even being very, very openly communicated with him. Sometimes it's hard. And sometimes you go, Well, this opinion is so ridiculous. There's no such thing as a ridiculous opinion. There's no such thing as a thing too small to discuss. So you can practice speaking up for yourself speaking your mind being being, because here's what I know, I know that you listening are called to be a leader in this world and leaders are influencers, how do we influence will be influenced by our action, but people don't see what we're what we're doing until we speak something, you have to be willing to do live a different way and speak and sit and represent what you care about. So you can just sit we sit we practiced by having an opinion and expressing the opinion that's down to do you like this or this Don't say I don't know, like both just have an opinion practice, actually deciding to practice thinking about what in your life you'd like to change and express that opinion, you have more control than you think you do. Also, like practice by having the courage to disagree with someone, we also have we practice by debating with someone, see, if you trust me, this is this was, this is this was good help. For me. My husband is a great devil's advocate. He's Oh, man, he and his friends, I don't get it. Well, he brings like two or three friends over and they sit in the garage, even though we have great space to the hangout in the house. And they all sit in the garage, they have those little fire. And by the way, our garage has like a rug and a TV. So I don't know why there's also a fire in there. But you know, and they drink beer till 2am. And they just talk about different subjects. And they legitimately aren't attached. Sometimes they're attached to their opinion. But legitimately they just debate with one another for four hours. I go to bed, read a book, watch a friend show on my, on my bed. But they they will though if they all agree on an opinion. They then pick one person who who's going to offer the other option. And they're really just pick it apart. And it's a wonderful thing to see happen, I sometimes engage, and then I get very frustrated. And then I'm still doing the work of I should not respond to such frustration. I want to learn how to listen better, and communicate better, right? So but this is just a simple example of debating with somebody you trust of saying I am going to offer a different opinion a different way to think about it. You can also practice speaking your mind speaking up for yourself by expressing your preferences. Even when you don't want to hear Hey, people pleasers, you better listen, lean in. Even when you don't want to bother or inconvenience someone. Where do you want to greet? Oh, I don't care. Wherever you want, y'all as I it's boring. Don't be boring. It's not always accommodating. Great. Sometimes it is. But I gotta tell you, I like it. When my friends have opinions. I like it when they have preferences. I have a really great friend who I like a lot. But sometimes I'm like, Oh, I just wish you had an opinion. I want to know your preference. I want to say hey, let's go here. And I want you to say no, I'd prefer here because I want to see what you want there. I like that I want to honor you, I don't want to love you by going Cool, okay, because sometimes my personality, I can be a little bit of a bulldozer of like, oh, let's go here and the person says, Sure. I love it. When people push back and say actually, I'd prefer blah, blah, blah. That's cool to me. So practice, having your opinion, practice having a preference, even if you're like, Well, I'm not sure if everyone else is gonna like it. And that feels pressured. So what? It's okay, just as much right to pick the restaurant as anyone else. Okay, ask for what you want practice by asking for what you want. And you guys are gonna hear a listener episode is the perfect example of that. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna speed up a little bit. So we get to that you can also practice confident speaking, by initiating conversations with strangers, by initiating conversations with strangers and that you could just be in Hey, how's your day going? Hey, it's nice to see you. And asking their name. Hey, you know, we see each other all the time. What's your name, by the way, like this is for the people that you see at the bus stop. This is for the people that you see in the store, at your Starbucks at your coffee shop at the gym. Just starting to say an easy in is by complimenting three people a day. I want to tell you if you start complimenting three people a day that you don't know on a daily basis, you will see massive things change. And what you see is it has power in your voice. Your voice has power. Just watch what a compliment does. Remember this people don't care about how you look. They don't care about what you say they care about how you make them feel. There's no easier way for somebody to feel amazing and by you complimenting them. And also no easier way to start practicing initiating conversations with strangers and being confident in having a voice than just going Hey, I like your shoes. Or hey, you look I love your energy today. I love If I needed this today, you leave it at that you don't have to continue beyond that. But also embrace the unknown. Embrace the uncertainty. But let's finish out with talking about asking you for what you want. Because we have an incredible listener, the episode who sent me an email, Maria Kench. And here's what she said. First, thank you for all that you do. I've been listening to the podcast since July of 2019. And you have taught me to ask, you've taught me to ask for what you don't want what you for what you want. If you don't ask, you won't know. I recently traded in my Tahoe that was no longer being reliable for cheap. I asked if I could get a pink bow. And they said they didn't have a pink bow, but they had a red one. If it weren't for you, this is something I would have normally not asked for. I was so proud of myself for asking and them saying yes, I had to share the photo below. As I know, I hope you were also proud congrats on your 500th episode, you are truly amazing. And Maria, I love it. I love your Jeep. It's gorgeous. And you guys, if Maria is referring to Gosh, I don't know the episode number, but it's from 2020. We bought a new car, we bought a new SUV in 2020. And it was a little you know, it's one of those long days. And at the end of the day, I had said to my husband, I really want a big bow. I really want a big pink bow. And he's like, really gotta go, I was like, I'm going to ask for what I want. Because I see pictures of people with bows on their car. I know these places have that I'm going to ask and he was so embarrassed. We all hit me in my life. It made my day, maybe a week, you can scroll through on my Instagram to see it. If you scroll back a little bit, you'll see a sweet picture of me and my kids and my delight that about this giant pink bow. Brandon's a little annoyed the picture. But really, that's just because I think typical husband, he's like, for real, like, we're gonna take another 10 minutes. Yeah, yeah. And we're gonna take pictures. And you know what, it brought me joy. And it was amazing. And I just, you never know, unless you ask. And also, like, I had to overhead all this thought about like, Oh, don't be the weird kid girl who I still think of myself as a kid. There'll be the word woman who like wants a bow. And they also would talk back to that.

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So what if I am? So what if I like both? So what if it's a big purchase to pay

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cash for this awesome car. Like, that's a big deal to me. I'm proud of myself and I'm gonna put a bow on it. So guys, stop judging yourself. Allow yourself to be goofy. Allow yourself to be yourself. Allow yourself to be proud. And go ask for what you want. I'll see you next week. I cannot wait to connect more. Hopefully I'll see more of you. This week. We got couple we got at least two maybe three live coaching sessions this week in the college of confidence. I'll see you there, www.collegeofconfidence.com. In the meantime, you'll be bold Goobie you go be the very best version of who God created you to be. Be he'll be free. If you loved today's episode of The confidence podcast, I invite you to check out the College of confidence at www.collegeofconfidence.com. The COC is where your next step is. In the COC we cultivate confidence create courage and spark change. It takes everything we do here on the podcast to the next level and our members get crazy life changing results. I'm so confident that you will find that the COC is the most encouraging place on the internet, and that it will so wildly exceed your expectations that it comes with a money back guarantee. Hey, joining is completely risk free you owe it to your future self to take your growth to the next level by coaching with me in the COC. Join me today at www.collegeofconfidence.com