Podcast #471

Comparison is Killing Your Confidence and Happiness

Comparison is a default thought pattern that is killing your confidence and happiness, however, you can learn how to neutralize its negative impact on your life. This podcast episode gives 21 comparison detox strategies, along with 12 happiness hygiene habits to help you be victorious in your mental management of comparison in your life. Comparison is rooted is fear, and you can uproot both from your life, starting with this coaching. Get the full show notes at www.trishblackwell.com/471

• The sneaky way that fear shows up in comparison and what the fear underneath the comparison is doing to your confidence and your future
• Happiness hygiene habits and how they help you detox toxic comparison from your default thinking patterns
• Unmanaged comparison versus managed comparison and what to do about it other than saying “I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself, but …” 
• Taking ownership of your relationship with comparison and your relationship with the level of happiness you have in your life.

 

REVIEW OF THE WEEK:

Just what I needed, 5 Stars, Christina Slater

From the first episode I listened to I was completely drawn in. I felt like I was being heard and that this is where I was going to get that extra help, that boost that I needed. I’d highly recommend this podcast.

 

PATREON UPDATE

Announcing new options for supporting this amazing show.

Hop over to my Patreon page for all of the options, including a new $7 /month support option that delivers Weekly Journaling Prompts. Additionally, you can become part of my VIP Squad, which includes all of our normal patron goodies, AND a shout out on the air, as well as the right to personally request the topic for an upcoming podcast.

This week we’re shouting out to Ryan Painter for being our first to snag one of the VIP Squad spots! Thank you for your support, Ryan!

Go to www.trishblackwell.com/patreon to get started

 

LET’S COACH ON COMPARSION

Can we get real? Comparison is fear-based.

Fear that we aren’t enough.

Fear that we don’t belong.

Fear that we aren’t doing enough.

Fear that we don’t measure up.

And the last time I checked, fear is not of God.

I love this because it frees me.

I can give my brain permission to feel the fear and then let it pass through, because it doesn’t belong in me or on me. It’s human to have, and the enemy of my soul uses fear to try to persuade me out of the light and joy into sadness and depression – but God always wins; since I know that, that means I have the victory (and the permission) already to live by faith, not fear.

So, pause this for a minute.

Think about the comparison in your life.

And then fill in this sentence:

…When I feel “not enough” in this area _________ I am actually just afraid that _______________.

For me, it’s been:

1. When I feel not popular enough, I am afraid awkward and that I don’t belong.
2. When I feel not fit enough , I am afraid that my body will keep me from being loved.
3. When I feel not pretty enough, I am afraid that people won’t like me or see me.
4. When I feel not successful enough, I am afraid that I am wasting my potential.

Notice how you will recognize the “feeling not enough” … and when we pull back from our feelings to our thoughts, it’s our thoughts that are FEAR BASED THOUGHTS that are creating the NOT ENOUGH FEELING … and those thoughts and feelings are both driven from the ACTION of COMPARISON.

 

UNMANAGED COMPARISON JUST ISN’T HELPFUL

Learn to let go of unhelpful thinking.

1. Unmanaged Comparison > unaware, focused on others instead of yourself, default, comparing up / comparing down, fear-based motivation
2. Managed Comparison > intentional, internally focused in a healthy way, data-driven or focused with purpose outside of oneself

Comparing. Looking around. Makes your journey longer and you less effective.

Stay in your own lane.

Trust the story God has given you.

There is no comparison.

Everyone’s path is different.

What to do about either.

Don’t say “I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself, but…”

1. Be gracious and neutral about comparing habits.
2. Tell your brain that you’re in charge
3. Convert comparison into inspiration

 

DECIDE WHO YOU WILL BE, DON’T HOPE, COMPARE & STRESS ABOUT WHO YOU WILL BE

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think about it, we’ve been told ever since we were little that we can “do anything we want to do” and “be anything we want to be.” But were we really told that we can “be the type of person we dream we want to be.” You don’t get to just dream about what you want to achieve or do in this world – it’s better than that. You get to decide WHO you want to and DECIDE to be.

When you decide, you believe you will become that person.

You trust that you’ll get there.

You learn that “there” is no better than “here” and that someone who’s “finish line” might be more advanced along than your current “foundation” isn’t necessarily happier or better than you.

Decide to believe that happiness comes from growth and the goodness God already has for you, not from what you will earn when you finally “get there”, make that much money, have that title, get married, get that grade, have that many followers or weight that certain weight.

 

FRESHBOOKS ANNOUNCEMENT

This episode is brought to you by FreshBooks. There’s a lot to love about being your own boss,

but trying to figure out your financials on your own isn’t one of those things.

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Try FreshBooks free for 30 days, no credit card required. Go to freshbooks.com slash CONFIDENCE to get started today. And get more time back to build the business you love.

Go to www.freshbooks.com/confidence to get 30 days free.

 

THE RELATIONSHIP WITH COMPARISON & HAPPINESS

DO NOT believe the lie that happiness means that you don’t have problems.

Someone recently said “I just want a happy and stress-free life.”

It doesn’t work that way.

That’s one of the patterns that drive you to comparison, because it drives you to a place of helplessness and discontentment, which fires up the comparison desire to hyperdrive. Then, the more you compare, the more you despair, and the further away you are from the happiness you wanted in the first place.

Questions About Happiness

1. Do you believe that happiness is available to you?

2. What does a happy life look like?

3. Will you allow yourself to experience, settle into and fully enjoy being happy?

General Happiness Hygiene

1. Focus on good things.

2. Find adventure in finding the good.

3. Circumstances happen for you, not to you.

4. Spend time with positive people.

5. Intentionally work on detoxing negativity.

6. Cautiously monitor the Cancers of the Mind (comparison, criticism, complaining)

7. Start every day with a positive statement.

8. End every day with a positive statement.

9. Practice active gratitude.

10. Keep a gratitude journal.

11. Create pockets of peace into your schedule.

12. Practice self-compassion and allow yourself to enjoy life.

Make sure your “happy thoughts” are believable, not just trite and empty.

Take Ownership to Train Your Brain for Happiness

Are you personalizing things or allowing emotional charge to make your circumstances feel out of control for you to manage your emotions?

How much time do you spend daily in intentional thought management?

In the next month, how do you want to prioritize this habit in your daily schedule?

Use the power of “but…” to help you turn an unhappy thought around into a happy one.

“I will never find love” becomes “I will never find love if I keep staying at home and feeling sorry for myself in my loneliness. BUT if I start being more socially bold, keep investing in my personal development, continue nurturing my relationship with myself and get out more, my luck might change.”

“I feel like I will never lose this weight” becomes “I feel like will never lose this weight if I keep making excuses like I am BUT I know there are other people who used to feel as stuck as I did and they decided to change, and they made it happen, I can too.”

“But” can be a happiness magic wand.

Hurdles can hurt you or hurdles can give you heart. You choose.

 

Other Practical Tools:

1. Practice Gratitude
2. Deepen contentment
3. Behind-the-Scenes vs. Filtered Life
4. Focus on your strengths
5. Celebrate others
6. Parent Your Screen Use
7. Focus on the quality of your life
8. Name your inner critic – It gives it less power
9. Be your own best friend
10. Keep a record of your achievements
11. Practice intentional self-care
12. Create more margin in your life
13. Be proactive at mindset management
14. Water your own grass
15. Accept where you are
16. Love your past for getting you where you are
17. Know that your story is not done
18. Decide to not let fear guide your choices
19. Turn comparison into inspiration
20. Compare yourself with yourself only
21. Take back what belongs to you: your power.

 

RESOURCES YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE

In the College of Confidence, we’ve got a Compare & Despair Workshop and Happiness Optimization Workshop. Go to www.collegeofconfidence.com/join to get instant access to both workshop replays and full workbooks.

How to Stop Caring What People Think (2020 Update), Episode #419

www.trishblackwell.com/419

#462: Confidence For When You Feel Different or Just Plain Discouraged, www.trishblackwell.com/462

 

LISTENER OF THE EPISODE:

Trish, I started listening to your podcast about a year or so ago. I stumbled onto an episode after looking for a confidence Playlist to workout with. Your calming voice and godly spirit was the breath of fresh air I needed after becoming a new mother. Episode after episode it had seemed as if you were speaking directly to me. I was listening at a time that our daughters were the same age and your message was more than relatable. I ordered insecurity detox and have almost finished it but got distracted by skinny sexy mind. Once I got update on your newer podcast episodes I had to order straighten your crown. I  am only through chapter 2 and all I can say is just wow. I have been struggling with anxieties and trying to be fully in God’s peace. Reading about you feeling him so close made me feel instantly lighter. The way you write is beyond inspiring and after listening to so many of your awesome podcast, I can practically hear you reading the book to me. God has truly given you a gift and I hope you always know that what you do matters because it has impacted my life immensely. I hope one day to also publish a book and studying with you may just give me the courage to start. 

 Sincerely, A Jesus loving momma trying to find her best self for her daughter.