ARE YOU GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY? THIS IS HOW TO STOP SELF-SABOTAGE…
This week on The Confidence Podcast we’re chatting about:
- How to know if you’re getting in your own way or if life is getting in your way
- Understanding the real root of self-sabotage
- 3 ways to stop getting in your own way
REVIEW OF THE WEEK:
I am so blessed to have come across your podcast one day searching for something to help build up my confidence and I’ve been listening to it religiously every morning while I get ready for work to get in a good confident headspace. During your podcast, you mention asking for topic requests from your viewers and something I struggle with daily is that I find myself making excuses for people that treat me badly and accepting it. I struggle with standing up for myself and realizing when it’s OK to stop making excuses for other people’s actions and to stop over apologizing to those people when in fact they are the ones who should be apologizing. I just always feel like I’m in the wrong Trish, and I’m tired of it. I hope this makes sense. I love your podcast so much, thank you again for everything you do and for being so open and honest about your life and your struggles. I can’t thank you enough – Em
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I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with moms who have INCREDIBLENESS within them and I’m clapping 🏻🏻 and saying “YES, you are killing it as a mom; your kids won the mom lottery!!” and they’re like, “Okay, but … how do I stop feeling so overwhelmed, so STRESSED and so LESS THAN??!” “How can I just know I’m doing enough and actually relax and give myself permission to have less stress and more joy – my life feels too hectic for that to be realistic!”
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Preston Pugmire’s TEDx Talk
HOW TO KNOW IF IT’S YOU OR IF IT’S LIFE
You may not like this answer, but it’s always you.
Where there is a will, there is a way.
We overcomplicate success, often driving us to get in our way.
There are a thousand ways we get in our own way, but here are a few to get your mental juices going > procrastination, poor time management, overeating, overdrinking, over-exercising, perfectionism, waiting to be more prepared, over-committing, overthinking, having mixed priorities, being too obsessed with control.
Be the man in the arena.
I would rather live life all in, than in a protective shell of cautious averageness.
I did the cautious, performance-based route before, and though it may look shiny on the outside, it is empty on the inside.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
UNDERSTANDING THE REAL ROOT OF SELF-SABOTAGE
Fear drives us to self-protection. If we self-sabotage, we don’t have to be vulnerable, seen, exposed, or risk failing publicly.
So, the real question isn’t why you self-sabotage, but rather, what are you so afraid of?
And then, how can you start speaking to that inner child that is afraid of the monster under the bed of their thoughts?
You can be the parent that comes in, checks the closet, and confirms that it’s safe. It’s okay to need to affirm your safety in order to rev up the boldness but to do that you have to understand your real fear.
In my story, my fear has been a lot of things
-Lack of control
-Fear of not being noticed
-A belief that I didn’t matter
-Unresolved feelings about family turmoil
-Inability to fix things for others
For my recovery from my eating disorder and body image dysmorphia, letting go of my binge eating and binge exercising was letting go of the fear of lost control. That fear was really fear of inadequacy, and inadequacy was rooted in shame. I had shame over how I looked, over how I performed and over how I didn’t measure up to the accolades and acceptance my brother experienced. My fear was that I was forgettable.
But I perpetuated self-sabotage because if I “knew better” and it was an issue of discipline, then I didn’t need to address the deeper issues because the surface issue – the overeating, the over drinking, the over competitiveness, the over scheduling, the overthinking, the over-doing – those things, those things were the pressing problems. They distracted me from what my real problem was – they were a convenient coping mechanism that made me lose self-trust and self-esteem, deepening the feelings of inadequacy I felt in the first place.
THREE WAYS TO STOP GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY
Face your fear and step into the arena.
What does your arena look like? It might be being brave enough to step back into therapy. It might be making your website live and starting to put your message of change out into the world.
Go to gratitude in order to forgive yourself and break the cycle.
Life’s about learning; your feelings and thoughts and behaviors are not dictators, they are indicators. Look at the indications and embrace that explorer, adventurer attitude and get curious.
Manage your mindset and create space for success.
Create space to think and to feel; my best super-thinking comes when I’m journaling or walking the dog without distraction. Turn off wifi. Work to undo your toxic thinking and be as serious about training your brain as you are about training your body or progressing in your career. Seek wisdom and believe that God is not done transforming you – and notice the change that has happened. Get a group and a coach.
Ready to step out of self-sabotage for good? Join the College of Confidence.
Identifying and Modifying Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
AKA How to Stop Getting In Your Own Way
This course will help you identify and then uproot any self-sabotaging behaviors that are keeping you from the life you really want for yourself. It addresses not just the behaviors, but the mindset behind the behaviors too. In order to walk free from self-sabotage, it is important to understand the emotional reasons why those behaviors have been an important part of our life and coping in the first place.
Want to buy the course on its own? Well, it’s not quite available yet, but when we release it officially beyond the walls of the College of Confidence it will retail for $197. That’s one of the perks of the COC; members get free access to coaching courses like this, and dozens of other archived and exclusive courses, for a mere fraction of the cost.
If you’re thinking it feels ridiculous, it is.
Finally, May 2019 is the last month you will be able to join the College of Confidence at its lowest available rate. Lock in the lowest membership rate possible. Membership rates are going up by 50% and I don’t want you to miss out on the most affordable and supportive coaching program around. Enroll today and save at www.collegeofconfidence.com
LISTENER OF THE WEEK
Kristen Burke Marsh
Because, well, she’s rad, and she’s family and, more importantly, she highlighted to me that people need more education about accessing podcasts! So, will you help your friends out and tell them about all the ways in which they can access this show!?